One thing that I love about our church is that every Sunday we partake in the Lord's Supper. Some people might argue that in doing so, it will become more commonplace and possibly lose its meaning. Through my experience, I can only argue vehemently against that point. Kneeling before God each week, remembering Who He is and the great sacrifice that He made for me to cover my sin is certainly the way that I need to start my week. One certainly doesn't have to have the bread and the cup to do that, but I am glad that we do.
Today as our pastor led us to pray and prepare for the breaking of the bread, I was crumbling. Coming into church that morning, I was somewhat overtaken by all the children and pregnant ladies around me. This was my first time back at church since our miscarriage, so there were lots of hugs and "I'm sorry's," followed by tears. I must've been holding back a floodgate of tears, because once they started, I just couldn't seem to stop them.
So we're preparing for the Lord's Supper, and I'm praying through some things in my heart, most of which are complicated, opposing thoughts of "Lord, I love you and I trust you and I want what you want for me," and "I do not want to be part of this plan you have for me. Why does she get two precious little girls and I still only have one? Why does she get to still be beautifully pregnant right now and I am not? Why do they get to have six kids? Why? Why? Why?"
With my head in my hands, pouring my heart out to the Lord while tears flowed, my thoughts shifted to the communion that was about to take place. I thought about the cup and remembered a time when Jesus wept as he had prayed for Father to fulfill His will in a way other than what Jesus knew was about to happen. Jesus knew the pain and suffering He was about to step into. He knew that God could deliver him from it if He wanted to. But Jesus had a different heart than I did as He continued in His prayer, "But not My will but Yours be done." Submission in its highest, purest form as Jesus conquered the fleshly desire to just walk away from a Father God who requires everything.
Eyes closed, as I played through that scene, I saw myself kneeling before God, beside Jesus. I saw Jesus wrestle with the emotions that I was wrestling with - knowing the plan God has, but wanting it to be easier. Then He spoke the words, "Not My will but Yours be done." I swallowed hard as everything in the garden stopped. The wind stopped whistling through the trees on that cold night and the grasshoppers and tree frogs stopped their singing as Jesus turned to me and said, "Your turn now, my child. Your turn to pray it too." And with Jesus beckoning me (and with my knowledge that His cross was to be infinitely more cruel than my own will ever be), how could I deny Him my trust? My turn. "Not my will......but Yours be done, God. Whatever it is you have planned for me, I submit to it. I trust You."
And as the scene evaporated, I heard my pastor invite us to drink and eat in remembrance. As I did, I prayed again, thankful this time that Jesus really had submitted to the will of His Father, that He had gone before me to lay down His life in the ultimate sacrifice for me. And that in doing so, He even stopped for a moment to show believers what true obedience to the will of the Father looks like in the midst of the greatest sacrifice one could possibly give - His life.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
To Celebrate or Not To Celebrate?
Some days - I'll admit - my heart gets stuck in the expectations that I had going into this Thanksgiving and Christmas season. Many people around me knew I had a countdown going for Nov 1st - the first day of my second trimester, the "magic day" at which point I was hoping to leave morning (evening) sickness behind and begin to climb toward more energy and a healthier appetite. The Thanksgiving/Christmas season has always been a fun - albeit, exhausting! - time of year for L and I (from Nov 14th to the end of the year, our family celebrates my birthday, Thanksgiving, E's birthday, L's birthday, Christmas, our anniversary and New Year's...whew!), and this year we were looking forward to adding some fun baby milestones to the mix, the biggest of which was finding out the sex of the baby. So I had a lot of expectations for these days, and most days I wake up and make a conscious decision to lay those expectations down and ask God for new mercies and the ability to appreciate the days as He planned them, not as I had planned them.
A couple of nights ago, a night when I was really wrestling with some darkness in my heart in regards to some of the trials over the last few weeks, I wandered over to my friend's blog and found this post, inspired to her by this post on her friend's blog. It spoke Truth to me in an instant, refocusing my heart on the joy that is at stake this Christmas season, calling me back to the One this story is all about, reminding me that because He is Savior and the Christ, I have a Burden-Lifter and a Hope that He is making all things new in His time.
A couple of nights ago, a night when I was really wrestling with some darkness in my heart in regards to some of the trials over the last few weeks, I wandered over to my friend's blog and found this post, inspired to her by this post on her friend's blog. It spoke Truth to me in an instant, refocusing my heart on the joy that is at stake this Christmas season, calling me back to the One this story is all about, reminding me that because He is Savior and the Christ, I have a Burden-Lifter and a Hope that He is making all things new in His time.
Not Celebrate? Your burden is too great to bear?
Your loneliness is intensified during this Christmas season?
Your tears seem to have no end?
Not Celebrate? You should lead the celebration.
You should run through the streets to ring the bell and sing the loudest!
You should fling the tinsel on the tree, and open your house to your neighbors and call them to dance!
For it is you above all others who know the joy of Advent.
It is unto you that a Savior is born this day.
One Who comes to lift your burden from your shoulders, One Who comes to wipe the tears from your eyes.
You are not alone, for He is born this day to you.
Ann Weems, Kneeling in Bethlehem
Your loneliness is intensified during this Christmas season?
Your tears seem to have no end?
Not Celebrate? You should lead the celebration.
You should run through the streets to ring the bell and sing the loudest!
You should fling the tinsel on the tree, and open your house to your neighbors and call them to dance!
For it is you above all others who know the joy of Advent.
It is unto you that a Savior is born this day.
One Who comes to lift your burden from your shoulders, One Who comes to wipe the tears from your eyes.
You are not alone, for He is born this day to you.
Ann Weems, Kneeling in Bethlehem
Sunday, December 5, 2010
NOW I Remember Saying That.
It hit me sometime over the past few days that about a month or so ago - during my prayers and conversations with God - I had mentioned to him that I would be willing to go wherever He led our family and that no matter how much He wanted to shift our idea of "normal," I would be okay with that and follow Him. Of course, I was thinking and praying inside a box that meant I would be willing to adapt to changes in zip code or changes in societal comfort levels...NOT even considering for a moment that God would turn life completely upside down in a way that I never even anticipated.
I can't tell you how much I just never, ever, in a million years, expected to be the girl on the ultrasound table who heard the words, "Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." Never. Ever. Now, don't get me wrong. God provided a supernatural peace throughout the whole experience of that moment. But even now, when I look back on the whole situation, it's still hard to believe that it's actually been me - in MY skin - walking through this whole process. To complicate the reality of it all, I still have memories in my head of the first ultrasound visit for this little baby, at around 10 weeks, when I saw him bouncing all around on the big flat screen, with a heartbeat steady and strong, flexing his long little legs, turning his little head toward me on the screen. In that moment, I loved him. I came home and put pictures of him up on Facebook for the whole world to see. It's been hard to reconcile that that baby is no longer alive on this earth and that he will not one day be the child that E is now. His purpose for existence was very different, and I'm still on a journey to understand what that purpose really was and is.
So now I remember telling God that I was ready for him to change our lives. And now I understand that I was only ready because He had begun prompting me and prompting my heart to accept the trials He was planning for me. And though I certainly never anticipated the kind of changes He was about to make in our lives, I rest in the fact that God has a purpose and a plan. In fact, I have found myself saying over and over again recently to those around me that the only thing that holds me together some moments is the overwhelming truth and persuasion that God has great purpose in all these things to bring glory to His Name through demonstrating His goodness in all circumstances. It doesn't take away the hurt all the time, but it does give unexplainable peace that resonates deep within my soul.
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
-Horatio Spafford, 1873
P.S. If you've never read the story behind these words, it's worth your time.
I can't tell you how much I just never, ever, in a million years, expected to be the girl on the ultrasound table who heard the words, "Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." Never. Ever. Now, don't get me wrong. God provided a supernatural peace throughout the whole experience of that moment. But even now, when I look back on the whole situation, it's still hard to believe that it's actually been me - in MY skin - walking through this whole process. To complicate the reality of it all, I still have memories in my head of the first ultrasound visit for this little baby, at around 10 weeks, when I saw him bouncing all around on the big flat screen, with a heartbeat steady and strong, flexing his long little legs, turning his little head toward me on the screen. In that moment, I loved him. I came home and put pictures of him up on Facebook for the whole world to see. It's been hard to reconcile that that baby is no longer alive on this earth and that he will not one day be the child that E is now. His purpose for existence was very different, and I'm still on a journey to understand what that purpose really was and is.
So now I remember telling God that I was ready for him to change our lives. And now I understand that I was only ready because He had begun prompting me and prompting my heart to accept the trials He was planning for me. And though I certainly never anticipated the kind of changes He was about to make in our lives, I rest in the fact that God has a purpose and a plan. In fact, I have found myself saying over and over again recently to those around me that the only thing that holds me together some moments is the overwhelming truth and persuasion that God has great purpose in all these things to bring glory to His Name through demonstrating His goodness in all circumstances. It doesn't take away the hurt all the time, but it does give unexplainable peace that resonates deep within my soul.
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
-Horatio Spafford, 1873
P.S. If you've never read the story behind these words, it's worth your time.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
How Are You Doing?
This is probably one of the worst questions ever.
Now, I know that this is more than just a journal - it's a public blog too. And I've probably already offended someone or made someone feel uncomfortable, or something worse...but hear me out.
It's one of the worst questions ever because it's one of those questions that forces you to make eye contact with the person if you want to know if they really care what your answer is. Then when you make that eye contact and you find out they really do care, well...for me, that's when the tears start flowing. And I've cried a LOT of tears over the past few weeks. Because, you know what? There are actually a LOT of people in this world who have asked that question with eyes and hearts full of love and concern for me and my family. It's humbling. It has affected me and changed me deeply as a person.
The other reason I hate the question is because I always wonder if those people ever talk amongst themselves about the answers I gave them. Not in a gossipy kind of way, just more along the lines of "Hey, sounds like J is doing well." Or, "Wow, J's having a really rough day." Because if they did, what they would more than likely find is that at 9:30am on a Wednesday, I was having a really awesome day, then for reasons I couldn't even explain, at 4:30pm on that same day, I laid down in the middle of the floor in the fetal position and cried like a baby. And then at 1:30am in the middle of the following night, I sat wide awake on the couch wondering if I would ever be able to sleep normally again. The reason I wonder if these people talk amongst themselves is because when I look back at the day and remember the things I said to someone at one moment and then remember the way I felt at another moment, it's apparent that those two things were completely different, though - in their respective moments - completely accurate. Taken as a whole, I look (and feel) completely bipolar, and a total hypocrite. It's not really plausible to offer someone the whole picture every time they ask, but a snapshot really isn't a good gauge for how I really am either.
Thirdly, though I feel in NO way worthy to compare myself to David, I have had a few 'kindred moments' while reading through some of his writings and songs, with his manic-depressive way of boasting proudly in a mighty God one moment, and then begging God humbly for new mercies the next. Psalm 89 is a classic example of David's "rebounding" - and is a great portrait of my days right now. I believe God is faithful and has a purpose for our loss. (How unbelievably depressing would it be if I didn't think God had a great purpose in that!?) However, even though I believe in my heart, and in my mind, and have spoken that belief over and over with my words, I still feel like David in vs. 46-49, and I have begged God many, many times to just allow my heart to move forward out of this valley. My mind seems eager to move on: to get back into a workout routine, or to get back into the pace of work or just daily living. But it's as if God has not fully released me from this trial for some reason, and I still have lessons yet to learn.
Now that's a lot to unpack for a sweet friend who is just meaning to check my vitals and hug my neck. Hence the reason I don't usually give the full-length version when someone pops the dreaded question. And, deep inside, I do understand and appreciate that those around me - as I said before - really care deeply, even when they aren't asking for the full commentary on my life over the past two weeks.
Since this IS a public blog, it must be said that I am not keeping a secret list of those who have asked this question of me. To be honest, so much of these days has been a fog that I couldn't tell you half of the things that have been said to me, unless they were written down. So if you have found or if you do find yourself wanting to ask this question of me, please don't hesitate. Just know two things: 1) I will be looking in your eyes to find comfort in your genuine concern, at which point you might witness a few of my tears; and 2) Whatever it is that I tell you could very possibly be null and void 30 minutes later. This is just a journey with lots of ups and downs, and bumps and bruises. And you are welcome to walk a portion of it with me at anytime.
Now, I know that this is more than just a journal - it's a public blog too. And I've probably already offended someone or made someone feel uncomfortable, or something worse...but hear me out.
It's one of the worst questions ever because it's one of those questions that forces you to make eye contact with the person if you want to know if they really care what your answer is. Then when you make that eye contact and you find out they really do care, well...for me, that's when the tears start flowing. And I've cried a LOT of tears over the past few weeks. Because, you know what? There are actually a LOT of people in this world who have asked that question with eyes and hearts full of love and concern for me and my family. It's humbling. It has affected me and changed me deeply as a person.
The other reason I hate the question is because I always wonder if those people ever talk amongst themselves about the answers I gave them. Not in a gossipy kind of way, just more along the lines of "Hey, sounds like J is doing well." Or, "Wow, J's having a really rough day." Because if they did, what they would more than likely find is that at 9:30am on a Wednesday, I was having a really awesome day, then for reasons I couldn't even explain, at 4:30pm on that same day, I laid down in the middle of the floor in the fetal position and cried like a baby. And then at 1:30am in the middle of the following night, I sat wide awake on the couch wondering if I would ever be able to sleep normally again. The reason I wonder if these people talk amongst themselves is because when I look back at the day and remember the things I said to someone at one moment and then remember the way I felt at another moment, it's apparent that those two things were completely different, though - in their respective moments - completely accurate. Taken as a whole, I look (and feel) completely bipolar, and a total hypocrite. It's not really plausible to offer someone the whole picture every time they ask, but a snapshot really isn't a good gauge for how I really am either.
Thirdly, though I feel in NO way worthy to compare myself to David, I have had a few 'kindred moments' while reading through some of his writings and songs, with his manic-depressive way of boasting proudly in a mighty God one moment, and then begging God humbly for new mercies the next. Psalm 89 is a classic example of David's "rebounding" - and is a great portrait of my days right now. I believe God is faithful and has a purpose for our loss. (How unbelievably depressing would it be if I didn't think God had a great purpose in that!?) However, even though I believe in my heart, and in my mind, and have spoken that belief over and over with my words, I still feel like David in vs. 46-49, and I have begged God many, many times to just allow my heart to move forward out of this valley. My mind seems eager to move on: to get back into a workout routine, or to get back into the pace of work or just daily living. But it's as if God has not fully released me from this trial for some reason, and I still have lessons yet to learn.
Now that's a lot to unpack for a sweet friend who is just meaning to check my vitals and hug my neck. Hence the reason I don't usually give the full-length version when someone pops the dreaded question. And, deep inside, I do understand and appreciate that those around me - as I said before - really care deeply, even when they aren't asking for the full commentary on my life over the past two weeks.
Since this IS a public blog, it must be said that I am not keeping a secret list of those who have asked this question of me. To be honest, so much of these days has been a fog that I couldn't tell you half of the things that have been said to me, unless they were written down. So if you have found or if you do find yourself wanting to ask this question of me, please don't hesitate. Just know two things: 1) I will be looking in your eyes to find comfort in your genuine concern, at which point you might witness a few of my tears; and 2) Whatever it is that I tell you could very possibly be null and void 30 minutes later. This is just a journey with lots of ups and downs, and bumps and bruises. And you are welcome to walk a portion of it with me at anytime.
Monday, November 22, 2010
How Long, O Lord?
Our doctor certainly prepared us for a waiting game. Because I was being induced, no one could tell us exactly how long it would take for our baby to be born, much less how long my total stay at the hospital would be. So many factors were in play that simply depended on how things progressed (medical viewpoint) and the mercy of the Lord (Christian viewpoint). We were told to expect delivery to be as early as Friday afternoon or as late as Saturday morning, and that we would hopefully be able to go home by Sunday morning at the latest.
As I laid in the hospital bed, many of my tears were dedicated to asking, "How long, O Lord?" Each time the nurse or doctor checked my progress during the night, the news was pretty depressing. So when our little baby arrived with no prior signs or signals at 4:55am on Friday, November 19th - less than 7 hours after the induction began - everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, was shocked. And we thanked God for his mercy in allowing our little baby to come quickly.
The remainder of the process progressed fairly quickly and naturally as well, and at 10am, my husband squeezed my hand, kissed me and said, "It's done." The doctor gave us confirmation around 11am that indeed everything was complete, and that he wanted to now watch me for four hours as I recovered. And then, if I was doing well, I could go home!!!
God continued providing faithfully, and at 4pm that afternoon, we were released directly from the Labor & Delivery wing to go home.
Looking back on the timing of things, I guess I might should feel as though the day rushed past. Less than 24 hours is a short amount of time to be sure. However, although every moment of the day came mercifully quickly, moments such as time alone with our little baby seemed to freeze as we were allowed to take it all in. I have no regrets as I think about the events of that day, no take-backs, no do-overs, nothing that I would have wished differently. How incredibly gracious God was to us is pretty incomprehensible as I consider these things. Praise Him! He is good in all He does!!
"I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the LORD; the humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! O fear the LORD, you His saints; for to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; but they who see the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry." ~Psalm 34:1-15
As I laid in the hospital bed, many of my tears were dedicated to asking, "How long, O Lord?" Each time the nurse or doctor checked my progress during the night, the news was pretty depressing. So when our little baby arrived with no prior signs or signals at 4:55am on Friday, November 19th - less than 7 hours after the induction began - everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, was shocked. And we thanked God for his mercy in allowing our little baby to come quickly.
The remainder of the process progressed fairly quickly and naturally as well, and at 10am, my husband squeezed my hand, kissed me and said, "It's done." The doctor gave us confirmation around 11am that indeed everything was complete, and that he wanted to now watch me for four hours as I recovered. And then, if I was doing well, I could go home!!!
God continued providing faithfully, and at 4pm that afternoon, we were released directly from the Labor & Delivery wing to go home.
Looking back on the timing of things, I guess I might should feel as though the day rushed past. Less than 24 hours is a short amount of time to be sure. However, although every moment of the day came mercifully quickly, moments such as time alone with our little baby seemed to freeze as we were allowed to take it all in. I have no regrets as I think about the events of that day, no take-backs, no do-overs, nothing that I would have wished differently. How incredibly gracious God was to us is pretty incomprehensible as I consider these things. Praise Him! He is good in all He does!!
"I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the LORD; the humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! O fear the LORD, you His saints; for to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; but they who see the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry." ~Psalm 34:1-15
Perspective
I think I've been approaching Day 3 with the wrong perspective. Though I fully believe the details and timeline of the day are important, simply telling it from that perspective is not working. So I'm going to try a different tactic for now, and then maybe go back later and write down a timeline.
There were many themes of Day 3. One was certainly Deuteronomy 7:9 - "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Another was Isaiah 25:1 - "O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Again and again, we came back to Jeremiah 1:5a - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you."
L and I both trusted God to be faithful. In fact, just days before the storms began, we were sitting on our couches having a conversation about how we knew that no matter what our future circumstances would become, we would be able to trust that God would provide and continue to be faithful to us because of how much he has proven His faithfulness to us up to this point. Of course I had no idea of what was to come in the days ahead. And though admittedly I was speaking those words in the context of earthly comforts - a home, food, clothes, etc. - it is has been no less true in our current situation.
Sometimes the only thing I could say back in texts, emails or messages to friends and family offering comfort were the simple words, "God is Sovereign." Though it didn't answer the question of "why," it pointed me to a better question of "Who is in control?" Isaiah 45:11-12 says this: "Thus says the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed [Israel]: 'Ask me of things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands? I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host.'"
So as I consider Day 3, the only thing I feel that is truly worthy to write about is the faithfulness, the goodness, the mercy, the marvelousness, and the sovereignty of the LORD that was evident in every moment of that day. We had so many questions of how God would accomplish His good and pleasing and perfect Will that day, and I am going to attempt to answer as many of those questions as I can over the next few days. I pray that in all these things God will be glorified.
There were many themes of Day 3. One was certainly Deuteronomy 7:9 - "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Another was Isaiah 25:1 - "O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Again and again, we came back to Jeremiah 1:5a - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you."
L and I both trusted God to be faithful. In fact, just days before the storms began, we were sitting on our couches having a conversation about how we knew that no matter what our future circumstances would become, we would be able to trust that God would provide and continue to be faithful to us because of how much he has proven His faithfulness to us up to this point. Of course I had no idea of what was to come in the days ahead. And though admittedly I was speaking those words in the context of earthly comforts - a home, food, clothes, etc. - it is has been no less true in our current situation.
Sometimes the only thing I could say back in texts, emails or messages to friends and family offering comfort were the simple words, "God is Sovereign." Though it didn't answer the question of "why," it pointed me to a better question of "Who is in control?" Isaiah 45:11-12 says this: "Thus says the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed [Israel]: 'Ask me of things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands? I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host.'"
So as I consider Day 3, the only thing I feel that is truly worthy to write about is the faithfulness, the goodness, the mercy, the marvelousness, and the sovereignty of the LORD that was evident in every moment of that day. We had so many questions of how God would accomplish His good and pleasing and perfect Will that day, and I am going to attempt to answer as many of those questions as I can over the next few days. I pray that in all these things God will be glorified.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Surrounded
Giving words to Day 3 has been difficult, so I'm going to take a break and come back to the here and now for a while. To say that people have been kind to us over the past few days is so understated. L and have found ourselves saying over and over again, "There is an army surrounding us." An army of people who have met every need, even before we knew them, even when those needs were small and (seemingly) insignificant, or even when those needs were completely unrelated (logically) to the immediate concerns of health, safety and support. L and I talked today also about how sweet it has been to see God knit together the strengths in each of our friends and family members, to meet our needs completely, even though no one person alone has been able to meet all of our needs.
I want to remember these thoughtful deeds and caring words and the steady support for the rest of our lives. I want to build an alter of thanks to the Lord, recognizing that He has been the one weaving every facet and every detail of these days together - not just sustaining us but setting our feet on solid rock; not simply shielding us from pain but allowing us to drink deeply of the joy of the Lord.
On Thursday, as I mentioned before, L had some things to settle at work in preparation for the days ahead, so we agreed for him to go into work while I ran a few errands. Obviously a little side-tracked as he pulled into the parking lot at work, he forgot to cut the headlights before getting out of the car. So at noon, when he was supposed to be on his way to lunch with friend before coming home to me and E, he discovered that his battery not just dead, it was so dead that it could not even be jumped off, and eventually discovered to be so dead that it did not even register a charge at the local auto supply store. People jumped at the chance to assist in a tangible way, and he was soon off to lunch in another vehicle, while friends took care of replacing our battery and eventually returning our vehicle to us. This has been one of those somewhat unrelated gifts of compassion and care for us, but it directly relates in the sense that it eliminated a potentially distracting and frustrating event and allowed us to continue grieving and processing our most immediate situation.
I have mentioned it already, but it is worth saying again: God has been alive and evident through our little girl. After noticing the flowers around our house that had been delivered throughout the day yesterday, she gathered together some "flowers" herself from outside, and presented them to me last night. She has been patient and kind and thoughtful. She has not been perfect, but she has been real in her love to me. We have not yet had a moment to explain all that has gone on in the past few days, but I have no doubt that she will accept it with grace and as much understanding as she can. I am so thankful that God has allowed us to parent her for a season, and will be forever changed in the way that I carry out my responsibility to do so.
According to hospital policy, I was not allowed to eat from the time they began the induction until the time that they released me from the hospital yesterday. Clear liquids and sugar-free popsicles were my only indulgences (and, admittedly, a few Jolly Ranchers snuck in between nurse rounds). Because my husband still had a need for food, though, people began signing up to bring us food first thing on Friday morning, and it literally hasn't stopped since. Breakfast, lunch and dinner has been provided for two days straight, and meals are already mapped out through next weekend. I'm not sure I've actually ever thought of taking food to someone who's experienced a miscarriage, but I'll never overlook the true ministry of that simple action in the future. Once again, it has allowed us to experience these moments without stopping to think of our basic physical needs. Also, though I am certainly capable of cooking for myself at this time, receiving someone into our home to share a meal with us has allowed us to experience community and share the story of God's faithfulness again and again, and is multiplying the effect of the gospel throughout the lives of our friends and family, and bringing glory to God in a way I truly never anticipated.
Many people have prayed for us over these last few days. Before I even received hard evidence via ultrasound, people were praying. Interceding for us, pleading with God to guard our hearts and minds against the lies of the Enemy, praying for strength for each moment, praying for specific events to occur that would allow us healing, praying for things that I still do not even know about. As people have shared their specific prayers with us, I continue to be amazed at how God has directly answered them. For example, one friend shared with us that he prayed we would not feel as though any of this was our fault, and specifically that I would not wonder why my body rejected this baby. I had wondered many times throughout these last few days why I was not battling with those particular feelings, and as he shared his prayer with me, I understood why. Because he (and I am sure that others) had been going before us in prayer and shielding us from the lies of the Enemy for those exact emotions. That's why. Another friend prayed specifically for us to find comfort in His grace and cling to the truth that He has not forsaken us; while reading her words I knew why I had been able to do that these days: because she (and others) had prayed for those things for us. The events of the birth unfolded in ways that seemed to answer our every prayer. Feelings of sadness were met with surpassing feelings of infinite joy. L and I have had more love for each other and have been more connected to each other than ever before. And all of these things (and more) our friends and family have literally told us they have prayed for. I pray that God has received the glory for granting the requests of these amazing prayer warriors.
Several scriptures have been spoken over us these past few days. They have pointed us to truth and encouraged us immensely.
I want to remember these thoughtful deeds and caring words and the steady support for the rest of our lives. I want to build an alter of thanks to the Lord, recognizing that He has been the one weaving every facet and every detail of these days together - not just sustaining us but setting our feet on solid rock; not simply shielding us from pain but allowing us to drink deeply of the joy of the Lord.
On Thursday, as I mentioned before, L had some things to settle at work in preparation for the days ahead, so we agreed for him to go into work while I ran a few errands. Obviously a little side-tracked as he pulled into the parking lot at work, he forgot to cut the headlights before getting out of the car. So at noon, when he was supposed to be on his way to lunch with friend before coming home to me and E, he discovered that his battery not just dead, it was so dead that it could not even be jumped off, and eventually discovered to be so dead that it did not even register a charge at the local auto supply store. People jumped at the chance to assist in a tangible way, and he was soon off to lunch in another vehicle, while friends took care of replacing our battery and eventually returning our vehicle to us. This has been one of those somewhat unrelated gifts of compassion and care for us, but it directly relates in the sense that it eliminated a potentially distracting and frustrating event and allowed us to continue grieving and processing our most immediate situation.
I have mentioned it already, but it is worth saying again: God has been alive and evident through our little girl. After noticing the flowers around our house that had been delivered throughout the day yesterday, she gathered together some "flowers" herself from outside, and presented them to me last night. She has been patient and kind and thoughtful. She has not been perfect, but she has been real in her love to me. We have not yet had a moment to explain all that has gone on in the past few days, but I have no doubt that she will accept it with grace and as much understanding as she can. I am so thankful that God has allowed us to parent her for a season, and will be forever changed in the way that I carry out my responsibility to do so.
According to hospital policy, I was not allowed to eat from the time they began the induction until the time that they released me from the hospital yesterday. Clear liquids and sugar-free popsicles were my only indulgences (and, admittedly, a few Jolly Ranchers snuck in between nurse rounds). Because my husband still had a need for food, though, people began signing up to bring us food first thing on Friday morning, and it literally hasn't stopped since. Breakfast, lunch and dinner has been provided for two days straight, and meals are already mapped out through next weekend. I'm not sure I've actually ever thought of taking food to someone who's experienced a miscarriage, but I'll never overlook the true ministry of that simple action in the future. Once again, it has allowed us to experience these moments without stopping to think of our basic physical needs. Also, though I am certainly capable of cooking for myself at this time, receiving someone into our home to share a meal with us has allowed us to experience community and share the story of God's faithfulness again and again, and is multiplying the effect of the gospel throughout the lives of our friends and family, and bringing glory to God in a way I truly never anticipated.
Many people have prayed for us over these last few days. Before I even received hard evidence via ultrasound, people were praying. Interceding for us, pleading with God to guard our hearts and minds against the lies of the Enemy, praying for strength for each moment, praying for specific events to occur that would allow us healing, praying for things that I still do not even know about. As people have shared their specific prayers with us, I continue to be amazed at how God has directly answered them. For example, one friend shared with us that he prayed we would not feel as though any of this was our fault, and specifically that I would not wonder why my body rejected this baby. I had wondered many times throughout these last few days why I was not battling with those particular feelings, and as he shared his prayer with me, I understood why. Because he (and I am sure that others) had been going before us in prayer and shielding us from the lies of the Enemy for those exact emotions. That's why. Another friend prayed specifically for us to find comfort in His grace and cling to the truth that He has not forsaken us; while reading her words I knew why I had been able to do that these days: because she (and others) had prayed for those things for us. The events of the birth unfolded in ways that seemed to answer our every prayer. Feelings of sadness were met with surpassing feelings of infinite joy. L and I have had more love for each other and have been more connected to each other than ever before. And all of these things (and more) our friends and family have literally told us they have prayed for. I pray that God has received the glory for granting the requests of these amazing prayer warriors.
Several scriptures have been spoken over us these past few days. They have pointed us to truth and encouraged us immensely.
- Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
- 1 Peter 1:3-9 - "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
- Psalm 54:4 (spoken over us by a 7-yr-old!)- "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."
- Psalm 56:8 - "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- Psalm 84:11 - "For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
- Psalm 23 - "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
- Psalm 34:18 - "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
- Isaiah 43:1-3 - "But now thus says the Lord, He Who created you, O Jacob, He Who formed you, O Israel; 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.'"
And finally, there have been countless email, texts, cards, flowers, voicemails, visits, and life-giving words of support, encouragement and love. We are forever grateful for our friends and families who have lifted us up and held us close during this time. Thank you for joining with us on this journey. Our prayer continues to be that as we live life transparently before you, you will be able to taste and see that the Lord is good in ALL that He does, and that He will reveal Himself to you so that you will come to know and believe in our God, the living Christ who shed His blood on the cross - our Savior who is oh so worthy of nothing less than all our love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)