My Man

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  ~Ephesians 5:25-32


I think I've alluded before to the fact that the first year of marriage was INCREDIBLY difficult for L and I. I came into marriage with a load of expectations that I dumped on him the moment he said, "I do." I had expectations for how he would dress, how he would act, how he would lead, the things that he would consider important, the way he would romance me...you name it, I had a PLAN. And so for almost one straight year, I spent a great deal of time frustrated that he was not living up to the expectations I thought he had promised at the alter he would fulfill. Add to the frustration the fact that I had pretty poor conflict resolution skills, and you get a total MESS and a good picture of what life was like for a large portion of the first year.

Thankfully, God has relentlessly pursued mine and my husband's hearts, and over the past six years, we have learned (by walking through the fire) how to love and respect and submit to one another - not perfectly by any means! But we are certainly in a healthier place today than we were back then. I am still so full of sinful flesh patterns, but God is teaching me day by day how to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. I have learned (over time) that GOD is the one who changes my husband's heart and actions - not me! And that when God does effect change, it is because it pleases God and honors God to do so...not because I should be the end-all, be-all recipient of L's changed life. 


When L and I first got married, I used to hold the verse above up to him as challenge - "See this? See what you're supposed to be/do/say/act like? See how you're supposed to be leading me? See all this responsibility you have before God for our marriage?" Instead of God's Word being used to offer life and grace and mercy, I was using it to crush his spirit and bring condemnation in so many ways. It's hard to confess and sad to say, but its true.

Today, though, because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in our marriage, I cannot read these words above without singing praises to my Savior for the man he gave me to live out my life with on this earth. What a testimony to the lovingkindness and favor of our God that He has brought us through fire and ice to a place where I truly believe that my husband embodies the call given to him in Ephesians 5 (and in case you read it any other way, let me be clear: God has changed MY heart and MY attitudes, so that my belief in my husband's integrity is not dependent on my husband...the source of my belief is in a God who has never failed in His goodness to me). A place where - when given the opportunity to believe the worst or the best about his motives or intentions - I can easily and freely choose to believe the best (because of God's great grace!). A place where - when Satan tempts me to list all of the things that he does that frustrate me - I can quickly and easily recall the list of things that he does to honor me and cherish me and love me (which is, by the way - the best advice my mom has ever given me and was instrumental in changing my attitude and expectations toward my husband).

I am SO excited about where the Lord is leading our marriage and for the plans He has for us. If God can take the awful mess of our first year and transform it into the marriage we have today (which is SO not perfect AT ALL, but is full of life and love and satisfaction in each other and free of so many of the expectations that I brought to the alter), I have no doubt He can do it for anyone else. And I have no doubts that He will continue to transform these areas and other areas of our lives into His image and us into a vessel that seeks to bring Him glory in all things. Praise be to God!

When conversations with God don't go as planned.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:

J?
I'm not listening.
J?
Not listening!
J?
God - I know you want to talk to me about my frustrations with my husband. And right now, I just want to stay mad at him forever. And if I talk to you, I know I won't be able to do that. So....as I said, I'm NOT listening. (So I turned the praise music up louder.......to hear Kari Jobe singing......and God laughing in the background)

At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart; yes, You've won my heart
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty 
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross

God?
Yes, J?
I'm ready to listen. It's just that I miss him, I wish he weren't gone so much. I wish I could be sure that he wanted to be here more. I wish...
You're not really ready to listen, are you?
Sorry. I'm ready.
J, you've been doing a lot of comparing lately. A lot of comparing the behavior you perceive in him to what you would wish it to be. A lot of comparing of how much he's giving into the "family" to what you've been giving. And he keeps coming up short in your mind...so you're frustrated, right?
Yes! So you see it too? Oh, I should've been listening to you sooner, God! You really do understand....
You're not listening, again.
Oh. 
As I was saying, you've been doing a lot of comparing...but you've not been doing the right comparing. You've been operating as though you are the righteous one, as though you are the one who has the power to forgive, as though you are the one in control. And, beloved - I love you dearly, but you are missing the point. 'No one is righteous, no, not one.' (Rom 3:10) That was the reason I had to send Jesus. Through Jesus, I have given you a severe mercy, a mercy that as a follower of Christ you are to extend to others. 'Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' (Col 3:12-13) Dear one, the only justification for comparison that you will find in the cross of Christ is in how much a reflection you are toward others of the great mercies you have found in Me. In how much you love others. In how willing you are to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No other comparisons can be made, for no one is worthy according to their own merit. 
Oh, God. Wow. I really screwed this one up, didn't I?
I love you, dear one. I have been working in his heart too. Go to him. Trust me. Honor me in your heart and in your words and I will go before and behind you. 'Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

Relationships are more important than being right.

This is one of those things that I wrestle with God about every once in a while. I don’t mean for that to sound trite – He is a Holy God, and I believe we owe Him instant submission to His perfect will in every situation. I believe that…but I do not always give Him that (and I am so thankful for His unending grace for me).

So I absolutely admit that my “wrestling” is also disobedience (and while I’m at it, I might as well admit that it happens more than “every once in a while”). God gave me a brain that seeks security in logic, in the letter of the law, in what I see as just and right. And just like all good gifts from Father, Satan is quick to twist what is meant for God’s glory into a temptation to believe that I actually know better than my omniscient God. When the Spirit calls me to let go of being right in and instead walk in obedience to Him, I have this moment where I feel like a 3-year-old in my heart. But…God! What that person did was wrong! My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways. But…God! I have forgiven them before, only to be betrayed again! Are you saying that I should just forgive and trust them again without any repercussions? Forgive others, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you. Seventy times seven, J. But…God! What if it happens again? Place your hope in me. I am always faithful. I am always true. But…God! It did not honor you, and they should be punished for that. I am the only just King, Who sits on the Throne. I have chosen to forgive you over and over again, J. Who are you to decide who deserves the shed blood of my one and only Son?

And you get the picture. I am a finite human being with a very limited understanding of justice that is only further skewed by the ugly sin that entangles me. No way could I ever be more “right” than God. And he’s doing some pretty tough chiseling on my square brain when it comes to relationships: believing in others, trusting others, living in unity with those around me, even when it hurts a little. But that is the model that Jesus set for us here on earth: growing in favor with God and with man. Living peaceably with others. Forgiving sins that were in direct conflict with scriptural law. I feel like such a Pharisee when I realize how much of His life He devoted to relationships with others, and compare that to how much I live my life making sure that I’m abiding by the law.

“One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as "those evil people" or "those poor people who need our help." Nor must we search for signs of "loveworthiness." Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.” (What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey)

So Great

Today has been a hard day for many friends of mine. Though I did not know him personally, I understand that Mike Sweeney has lived a life that epitomizes Philippians 1:21, "For [Mike Sweeney], to live is Christ, AND to die is gain. He both lived in the fullness of Christ, and died to the gain of his Heavenly Father, leaving an incredible legacy of faith with his loved ones.

As I sat in church yesterday, I noticed a verse written on the dry erase board on the wall (our church is a school during the week), and the words hit me so powerfully in that moment that I had to write them down. It holds a lot of weight with many stories of cancer and unexpected loss and death that seems to just be happening all around me right now.

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3:32-33

How is it possible that an all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty God can unwillingly bring grief? Honestly, I do not have His mind, and I do not have the answer to that question. Lamentations 3 is full of the writer's conflict between the same God who purposes both calamity and good, who seemingly allows injustice to reign over a believer's life for a season before stepping forth and defending the cause of His beloved.

I'm not sure why, but I am intensely drawn toward the picture that God is tender and compassionate with me during the midst of the very trials that he ordained. Toward a God whose heart breaks as the waves he has made crash over me. Toward a God who is mysteriously able to sew painful stitches to heal a sinful, broken part of me.

Is He safe? No, but He's good. He's the King, I tell ya.

Kettlebells in the Sky

Today I lost a friend. Someone that is unlike any person I've ever met before in my life. Someone that inspired me to work harder than I thought possible. Someone who could make 45 minutes seem like FOR.EV.ER.

Today he went to be with Jesus - of that I am as certain as I can be of anyone knowing Jesus on this earth. He lived without excuse before His Lord and Savior and without making excuses about that to anyone. He was passionate about two things I know for sure: Jesus Christ being glorified and being the fittest person on the face of the earth.

He was my Tues/Thurs 5:30am trainer (whew!), but because he loved Jesus so much, he was more than just that. He was one of those people that I always found myself telling others about. I respected him greatly. He was intentional each and every day I saw him. He was one of the most "macho" men I've ever met, and yet I've only known a few men in my whole life that smiled and genuinely cared about others more than he did.

He is missed by us. He was welcomed by Jesus. If there's a way to praise Jesus by doing kettlebells, Scott's doing it in heaven right now I'm certain.

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Update: Visitation for Scott was Tuesday, and the Funeral was Wednesday morning. Never in my life have I seen more grown, muscly men cry than on those two days. Thursday morning, after a really tough workout with another one of the trainers, I think it truly set in that he was gone. And I laid on the mat on the floor of the gym and really cried for the first time. When I got up, our group circled up, and Dr. P led us all in a really moving prayer for Lisa, the kids, and the trainers, and thanked God for the legacy Scott has left for us all.