The Swell Approaches

Day 2 - Thursday, Nov 18th

I woke up about 4am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. E, who was already supernaturally attuned to the emotions of the day, crawled into bed with us around 5am, cuddled up close, and drifted back off to sleep. I laid there once again reminded of how precious little ones really are. 

L headed into work to get a few things squared away in preparation for our weekend. After dropping E off at the sitter's with a promise to go get ice cream when I picked her up, I headed out to run a few errands. The next few hours were kind of a fog. I walked aimlessly around a few stores, managing to buy discounted jars of Playdoh for E's upcoming party but forgetting to grab things that were really necessary such as shampoo. I was still responding to texts and messages, but found myself weary of explaining the circumstances over and over again. I really had no problem with people knowing, and I truly coveted the prayers that were surrounding us literally every moment of the day; it was just getting harder to be the person on the frontlines of telling others. A definitive lack of sleep mixed with an emotional roller coaster was proving to be heavier by the moment.

I picked up E at noon, and we headed off to grab some ice cream, as promised, and her simple joy over an ice cream cone was a nice little lift to my day. Lawson met us at home a little later in the afternoon, and then our pastor and friend came by to listen, to support us, to remind us of God's Word and truth, and to pray for us. And once again I was floored by just how completely God has surrounded us with His church for this time. To add grace upon grace, though - during the entire conversation with M, our pastor - which lasted more than an hour, I think - E played completely independently, with only a few moments of help from her daddy. Again, even though she did not yet know of the circumstances of the day(s), she was just supernaturally guided into behaviors that allowed peace to reign in our home. God would have still been just as good if he had allowed her to completely melt down every 10 minutes during that hour. Circumstances do not change God's infinite goodness. But His gift of mercy does sometimes allow us to experience his goodness in ways that minister to our hearts. On this day, he gave us many gifts of mercy and grace through our little E.

M left us with hope and hugs (even a totally spontaneous hug from E!), and shortly after my parents arrived to help with taking care of E over the next few days. They brought dinner, then L and I showered and finished packing for the hospital. We arrived at the hospital right at 8pm, and headed up to Labor and Delivery with our doctor's orders to begin inducing labor that evening. They got us settled into a quiet (thank you, Lord) room, and began the barrage of questions and paperwork.

After the paperwork came the procedures: IV, drawing blood, induction. I laughed silently when the nurse made an off-hand comment about the IV being the worst part (Had she read my paperwork? Did she know why I was here?!), but after four blown veins and five sticks, I was beginning to wonder if maybe there was going to be some truth to her statement. Not to mention we'd had a few friends stop by who were witnessing the entire drama unfold. I didn't mind spectators, but it did kind of add to the hilarity of the situation. I finally breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when a male nurse by the name of Charlie - brought in especially for me because I had "tiny veins" - was able to get my IV started. I told him afterwards that although my husband was the only man in the room worthy to be my hero, he (Charlie) had come in at a close second that night. :) I knew that wouldn't be the worst, but I definitely had not anticipated how bad it truly was. At one point, I had had a nurse on one side drawing blood for labwork, and another nurse on the other side poking me with an IV needle. Not one of the best moments, to be sure.

The induction was started as soon as the IV was going, right around 10pm. We had a wonderful nurse who was very kind to us throughout the entire night, offering everything she was allowed to under the moon. Our doctor came by as well, explaining the protocol for the induction and his general thoughts on how quickly things might process. We were told to expect to be in labor for 1-2 days, with recovery of up to a day afterwards depending on how things had progressed and what additional types of interventions needed to be used. Our friends, who so graciously had moved in and out of the room as was necessary, hugged us and prayed for us, then headed home around 10:30pm. The quiet opened up some opportunities for L and I to talk, to cry together, and to eventually begin settling in for the night. We were not expecting things to change much during the first night, so at around 11:30pm, we determined to try for as much sleep as possible, knowing that sleep would certainly not be easy. 

Day 3 coming soon...

The Tsunami in the Distance

The past few days have presented one of life's greatest storms for L and I up to this point. Our Sovereign God, who has numbered each of our days, decided to number our growing baby's days quite a bit shorter than we had anticipated. I feel as though I've lived a hundred years in the past three days, making decisions that I never even dreamed would be necessary. Throughout every moment, though, God has weaved his cord of everlasting life and gracious providence through the Water of the Word, answering prayers of the body of Christ as they have gone before Him interceding on our behalf, and overwhelming us with His great love, His faithfulness, and His mercy. In the best days of my life, I have never felt His presence nearer than I have in the past 24 hours. Oh how He loves us!

Day 1 - Wednesday, Nov 17th
After switching care providers three times (long story), I went in for my first  prenatal visit with my new OB. Because this was really my third OB visit for this pregnancy so far, I had already had bloodwork and exams (visit #1 - 8 weeks) and then more bloodwork and an ultrasound showing the strong heartbeat and developing little baby (visit #2 - 10 weeks). On visit #3 - 14 weeks, then, I was hoping to hear the heartbeat by doppler, talk a bit with the doctor, and schedule my 4th visit which would be around week 20, just in time to find out the sex before Christmas.

After having trouble determining a heartbeat by doppler, my doctor put me in line for an ultrasound. I texted a few people to ask for prayers, but was truthfully only a little anxious - we had a tough time finding E's heartbeat before week 20 as well, so this felt a little normal based on my previous experiences.

The ultrasound tech came quickly, taking me back to the room, reassuring me that many times it's hard to find a heartbeat in these early weeks. I hopped up on the table, she pulled out her magic wand, and as soon as she touched my belly, our sweet baby appeared right there on the screen, just as perfect as I imagined he would look. She took a quick picture of the screen, put the wand down, and then started looking around for a different wand. And then she left. While she was gone, I started studying the picture on the screen. Some things became apparent, such as the fact that the baby was measuring about 5 days behind - not extremely significant if this was my first ultrasound, but especially significant considering my first u/s had shown development right on schedule. When she returned with my doctor, it didn't take long to find out why. The sound that every mom waits to hear - the thundering horses that reassures your hopes and calms your fears - was never heard. Further scans showed no blow flow throughout the baby, and most significantly, no blood flow to the heart. There are truly no words to describe that moment. I would imagine it's a little like staring at a tsunami far off in the ocean, heading your direction, promising certain disaster but not knowing to what degree that disaster will affect you.

I called my husband. I called my mom. I called work. Texts started to flow with messages of love and concern. I went home, and L came home to meet me. We cried, we talked, we laughed, we prayed. I explained more details from the morning and we began to make a few decisions that would create a tentative timeline for the next few days. We had lunch, rested for a bit while we continued to share the news with family and friends, then went to pick up E from the sitter's house. Our emotions fluctuated throughout the evening, feeling God's presence through our joys and tears. I enjoyed and appreciated my time with E that night in ways I never had before. Sleep was evasive, but we endured the night.

Day 2 coming soon...

Talking Sticks

Today as we pulled out of the parking lot of the church on our way home, I heard E in the backseat...'I love you so much, mommy.' This indescribable feeling swelled up in my heart - I mean, there is nothing in this whole world that compares to hearing your own child say those words - so I turned back to her and said, 'Baby, I love you so much too!' She quickly replied, 'NO! Not youuuu, mommy - this mommy.' And she pointed to the two sticks she had managed to pick up and sneak into the car - one of those clearly being the 'mommy' stick and the other being the child, I guess.

I mean, sure.......I would've loved to have been the intended recipient of that outward expression of her affection, but it was enough to know that even in the imaginary world that she's beginning to create, genuine love is expressed in families. And even if I don't get a direct 'I love you' every day, it's still sweetly affirming that if even sticks love their mommies...maybe little girls do too. ;)

When conversations with God don't go as planned.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:

J?
I'm not listening.
J?
Not listening!
J?
God - I know you want to talk to me about my frustrations with my husband. And right now, I just want to stay mad at him forever. And if I talk to you, I know I won't be able to do that. So....as I said, I'm NOT listening. (So I turned the praise music up louder.......to hear Kari Jobe singing......and God laughing in the background)

At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart; yes, You've won my heart
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty 
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross

God?
Yes, J?
I'm ready to listen. It's just that I miss him, I wish he weren't gone so much. I wish I could be sure that he wanted to be here more. I wish...
You're not really ready to listen, are you?
Sorry. I'm ready.
J, you've been doing a lot of comparing lately. A lot of comparing the behavior you perceive in him to what you would wish it to be. A lot of comparing of how much he's giving into the "family" to what you've been giving. And he keeps coming up short in your mind...so you're frustrated, right?
Yes! So you see it too? Oh, I should've been listening to you sooner, God! You really do understand....
You're not listening, again.
Oh. 
As I was saying, you've been doing a lot of comparing...but you've not been doing the right comparing. You've been operating as though you are the righteous one, as though you are the one who has the power to forgive, as though you are the one in control. And, beloved - I love you dearly, but you are missing the point. 'No one is righteous, no, not one.' (Rom 3:10) That was the reason I had to send Jesus. Through Jesus, I have given you a severe mercy, a mercy that as a follower of Christ you are to extend to others. 'Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' (Col 3:12-13) Dear one, the only justification for comparison that you will find in the cross of Christ is in how much a reflection you are toward others of the great mercies you have found in Me. In how much you love others. In how willing you are to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No other comparisons can be made, for no one is worthy according to their own merit. 
Oh, God. Wow. I really screwed this one up, didn't I?
I love you, dear one. I have been working in his heart too. Go to him. Trust me. Honor me in your heart and in your words and I will go before and behind you. 'Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

Things you need a mom for.

There are things in this world that you just need a mom for. In light of the fact that I am REALLY thankful for her today for coming up and being "Nana" for a day while I escaped these four walls(!!), I'd thought I'd list a few:

-Moms just really "get" you - even when you don't think they ever could
-Moms only get better with age at lovin' on little ones - exploration, excitement, doing things over and over and over and over and over and over......
-Moms can (apparently) lead your child to a 100% successful pottying day on the first day they arrive (even though you've been trying to get there for five days......)
-Only your mom can give it to you straight without offending you in the slightest (because you know deep down they really do care)
-Moms never stop wanting to become a better person - love more deeply, serve more intently, give more freely

I really love my mom. :)

Well, we almost made it.

I've got some really amazing friends and have had a lot of support over the past few days via Facebook, one of the social media connections of these days. Since we had been having such a successful day at home with potty training (and even a successful grocery store trip!), I wanted to let these awesome friends know. So I did the one thing I shouldn't have...I posted this as my status:

"I think we've mastered 'pottying at home,' folks."

Anyone with a sense of humor knows exactly what happened next. Yeah.

So, with a newfound humble spirit, and a renewed realization that on this Earth, our goal is not perfection, but oneness with the One Who is perfect (thanks, R) - we started over. 

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. -John 17:22-23

Evidence of Success

Because I will not remember anything about these days when E is grown and potty training her own stubborn little girl ;), I thought I might need to post some proof that today was, actually, a very good day for E. But since this is a public forum, and not simply a place for private musings, I thought I should preface this post with a very important statement.

Yes - this is as creative as it gets in my household.


I can crochet according to a pattern, I can color between the lines - I can build just about anything as long as I have directions.....but nothing in my brain tells me how to create something 'cutesy' out of nothing. So to all my kindergarten teacher friends and other friends who are able to make something beautiful out of nothing, don't hate on my attempt at bringing my two-year-old some joy, k? :)

Day 1 - Pretty good success, LOTS of prompting and prodding
Day 2 - The dip in performance is evident, I believe
Day 3 - Beginning to show signs of independence!!