Perspective

I think I've been approaching Day 3 with the wrong perspective. Though I fully believe the details and timeline of the day are important, simply telling it from that perspective is not working. So I'm going to try a different tactic for now, and then maybe go back later and write down a timeline.

There were many themes of Day 3. One was certainly Deuteronomy 7:9 - "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Another was Isaiah 25:1 - "O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Again and again, we came back to Jeremiah 1:5a - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you."

L and I both trusted God to be faithful. In fact, just days before the storms began, we were sitting on our couches having a conversation about how we knew that no matter what our future circumstances would become, we would be able to trust that God would provide and continue to be faithful to us because of how much he has proven His faithfulness to us up to this point. Of course I had no idea of what was to come in the days ahead. And though admittedly I was speaking those words in the context of earthly comforts - a home, food, clothes, etc. - it is has been no less true in our current situation.

Sometimes the only thing I could say back in texts, emails or messages to friends and family offering comfort were the simple words, "God is Sovereign." Though it didn't answer the question of "why," it pointed me to a better question of "Who is in control?" Isaiah 45:11-12 says this: "Thus says the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed [Israel]: 'Ask me of things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands? I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host.'"

So as I consider Day 3, the only thing I feel that is truly worthy to write about is the faithfulness, the goodness, the mercy, the marvelousness, and the sovereignty of the LORD that was evident in every moment of that day. We had so many questions of how God would accomplish His good and pleasing and perfect Will that day, and I am going to attempt to answer as many of those questions as I can over the next few days. I pray that in all these things God will be glorified.

Surrounded

Giving words to Day 3 has been difficult, so I'm going to take a break and come back to the here and now for a while. To say that people have been kind to us over the past few days is so understated. L and have found ourselves saying over and over again, "There is an army surrounding us." An army of people who have met every need, even before we knew them, even when those needs were small and (seemingly) insignificant, or even when those needs were completely unrelated (logically) to the immediate concerns of health, safety and support. L and I talked today also about how sweet it has been to see God knit together the strengths in each of our friends and family members, to meet our needs completely, even though no one person alone has been able to meet all of our needs.

I want to remember these thoughtful deeds and caring words and the steady support for the rest of our lives. I want to build an alter of thanks to the Lord, recognizing that He has been the one weaving every facet and every detail of these days together -  not just sustaining us but setting our feet on solid rock; not simply shielding us from pain but allowing us to drink deeply of the joy of the Lord.

On Thursday, as I mentioned before, L had some things to settle at work in preparation for the days ahead, so we agreed for him to go into work while I ran a few errands. Obviously a little side-tracked as he pulled into the parking lot at work, he forgot to cut the headlights before getting out of the car. So at noon, when he was supposed to be on his way to lunch with friend before coming home to me and E, he discovered that his battery not just dead, it was so dead that it could not even be jumped off, and eventually discovered to be so dead that it did not even register a charge at the local auto supply store. People jumped at the chance to assist in a tangible way, and he was soon off to lunch in another vehicle, while friends took care of replacing our battery and eventually returning our vehicle to us. This has been one of those somewhat unrelated gifts of compassion and care for us, but it directly relates in the sense that it eliminated a potentially distracting and frustrating event and allowed us to continue grieving and processing our most immediate situation.

I have mentioned it already, but it is worth saying again: God has been alive and evident through our little girl. After noticing the flowers around our house that had been delivered throughout the day yesterday, she gathered together some "flowers" herself from outside, and presented them to me last night. She has been patient and kind and thoughtful. She has not been perfect, but she has been real in her love to me. We have not yet had a moment to explain all that has gone on in the past few days, but I have no doubt that she will accept it with grace and as much understanding as she can. I am so thankful that God has allowed us to parent her for a season, and will be forever changed in the way that I carry out my responsibility to do so.

According to hospital policy, I was not allowed to eat from the time they began the induction until the time that they released me from the hospital yesterday. Clear liquids and sugar-free popsicles were my only indulgences (and, admittedly, a few Jolly Ranchers snuck in between nurse rounds). Because my husband still had a need for food, though, people began signing up to bring us food first thing on Friday morning, and it literally hasn't stopped since. Breakfast, lunch and dinner has been provided for two days straight, and meals are already mapped out through next weekend. I'm not sure I've actually ever thought of taking food to someone who's experienced a miscarriage, but I'll never overlook the true ministry of that simple action in the future. Once again, it has allowed us to experience these moments without stopping to think of our basic physical needs. Also, though I am certainly capable of cooking for myself at this time, receiving someone into our home to share a meal with us has allowed us to experience community and share the story of God's faithfulness again and again, and is multiplying the effect of the gospel throughout the lives of our friends and family, and bringing glory to God in a way I truly never anticipated.

Many people have prayed for us over these last few days. Before I even received hard evidence via ultrasound, people were praying. Interceding for us, pleading with God to guard our hearts and minds against the lies of the Enemy, praying for strength for each moment, praying for specific events to occur that would allow us healing, praying for things that I still do not even know about. As people have shared their specific prayers with us, I continue to be amazed at how God has directly answered them. For example, one friend shared with us that he prayed we would not feel as though any of this was our fault, and specifically that I would not wonder why my body rejected this baby. I had wondered many times throughout these last few days why I was not battling with those particular feelings, and as he shared his prayer with me, I understood why. Because he (and I am sure that others) had been going before us in prayer and shielding us from the lies of the Enemy for those exact emotions. That's why. Another friend prayed specifically for us to find comfort in His grace and cling to the truth that He has not forsaken us; while reading her words I knew why I had been able to do that these days: because she (and others) had prayed for those things for us. The events of the birth unfolded in ways that seemed to answer our every prayer. Feelings of sadness were met with surpassing feelings of infinite joy. L and I have had more love for each other and have been more connected to each other than ever before. And all of these things (and more) our friends and family have literally told us they have prayed for. I pray that God has received the glory for granting the requests of these amazing prayer warriors.

Several scriptures have been spoken over us these past few days. They have pointed us to truth and encouraged us immensely.

• Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
• 1 Peter 1:3-9 - "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
• Psalm 54:4 (spoken over us by a 7-yr-old!)- "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."
• Psalm 56:8 - "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
• 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
• Psalm 84:11 - "For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
• Psalm 23 - "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
• Psalm 34:18 - "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
• Isaiah 43:1-3 - "But now thus says the Lord, He Who created you, O Jacob, He Who formed you, O Israel; 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.'"

And finally, there have been countless email, texts, cards, flowers, voicemails, visits, and life-giving words of support, encouragement and love. We are forever grateful for our friends and families who have lifted us up and held us close during this time. Thank you for joining with us on this journey. Our prayer continues to be that as we live life transparently before you, you will be able to taste and see that the Lord is good in ALL that He does, and that He will reveal Himself to you so that you will come to know and believe in our God, the living Christ who shed His blood on the cross - our Savior who is oh so worthy of nothing less than all our love. 

The Swell Approaches

Day 2 - Thursday, Nov 18th

I woke up about 4am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. E, who was already supernaturally attuned to the emotions of the day, crawled into bed with us around 5am, cuddled up close, and drifted back off to sleep. I laid there once again reminded of how precious little ones really are. 

L headed into work to get a few things squared away in preparation for our weekend. After dropping E off at the sitter's with a promise to go get ice cream when I picked her up, I headed out to run a few errands. The next few hours were kind of a fog. I walked aimlessly around a few stores, managing to buy discounted jars of Playdoh for E's upcoming party but forgetting to grab things that were really necessary such as shampoo. I was still responding to texts and messages, but found myself weary of explaining the circumstances over and over again. I really had no problem with people knowing, and I truly coveted the prayers that were surrounding us literally every moment of the day; it was just getting harder to be the person on the frontlines of telling others. A definitive lack of sleep mixed with an emotional roller coaster was proving to be heavier by the moment.

I picked up E at noon, and we headed off to grab some ice cream, as promised, and her simple joy over an ice cream cone was a nice little lift to my day. Lawson met us at home a little later in the afternoon, and then our pastor and friend came by to listen, to support us, to remind us of God's Word and truth, and to pray for us. And once again I was floored by just how completely God has surrounded us with His church for this time. To add grace upon grace, though - during the entire conversation with M, our pastor - which lasted more than an hour, I think - E played completely independently, with only a few moments of help from her daddy. Again, even though she did not yet know of the circumstances of the day(s), she was just supernaturally guided into behaviors that allowed peace to reign in our home. God would have still been just as good if he had allowed her to completely melt down every 10 minutes during that hour. Circumstances do not change God's infinite goodness. But His gift of mercy does sometimes allow us to experience his goodness in ways that minister to our hearts. On this day, he gave us many gifts of mercy and grace through our little E.

M left us with hope and hugs (even a totally spontaneous hug from E!), and shortly after my parents arrived to help with taking care of E over the next few days. They brought dinner, then L and I showered and finished packing for the hospital. We arrived at the hospital right at 8pm, and headed up to Labor and Delivery with our doctor's orders to begin inducing labor that evening. They got us settled into a quiet (thank you, Lord) room, and began the barrage of questions and paperwork.

After the paperwork came the procedures: IV, drawing blood, induction. I laughed silently when the nurse made an off-hand comment about the IV being the worst part (Had she read my paperwork? Did she know why I was here?!), but after four blown veins and five sticks, I was beginning to wonder if maybe there was going to be some truth to her statement. Not to mention we'd had a few friends stop by who were witnessing the entire drama unfold. I didn't mind spectators, but it did kind of add to the hilarity of the situation. I finally breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when a male nurse by the name of Charlie - brought in especially for me because I had "tiny veins" - was able to get my IV started. I told him afterwards that although my husband was the only man in the room worthy to be my hero, he (Charlie) had come in at a close second that night. :) I knew that wouldn't be the worst, but I definitely had not anticipated how bad it truly was. At one point, I had had a nurse on one side drawing blood for labwork, and another nurse on the other side poking me with an IV needle. Not one of the best moments, to be sure.

The induction was started as soon as the IV was going, right around 10pm. We had a wonderful nurse who was very kind to us throughout the entire night, offering everything she was allowed to under the moon. Our doctor came by as well, explaining the protocol for the induction and his general thoughts on how quickly things might process. We were told to expect to be in labor for 1-2 days, with recovery of up to a day afterwards depending on how things had progressed and what additional types of interventions needed to be used. Our friends, who so graciously had moved in and out of the room as was necessary, hugged us and prayed for us, then headed home around 10:30pm. The quiet opened up some opportunities for L and I to talk, to cry together, and to eventually begin settling in for the night. We were not expecting things to change much during the first night, so at around 11:30pm, we determined to try for as much sleep as possible, knowing that sleep would certainly not be easy. 

Day 3 coming soon...

The Tsunami in the Distance

The past few days have presented one of life's greatest storms for L and I up to this point. Our Sovereign God, who has numbered each of our days, decided to number our growing baby's days quite a bit shorter than we had anticipated. I feel as though I've lived a hundred years in the past three days, making decisions that I never even dreamed would be necessary. Throughout every moment, though, God has weaved his cord of everlasting life and gracious providence through the Water of the Word, answering prayers of the body of Christ as they have gone before Him interceding on our behalf, and overwhelming us with His great love, His faithfulness, and His mercy. In the best days of my life, I have never felt His presence nearer than I have in the past 24 hours. Oh how He loves us!

Day 1 - Wednesday, Nov 17th
After switching care providers three times (long story), I went in for my first  prenatal visit with my new OB. Because this was really my third OB visit for this pregnancy so far, I had already had bloodwork and exams (visit #1 - 8 weeks) and then more bloodwork and an ultrasound showing the strong heartbeat and developing little baby (visit #2 - 10 weeks). On visit #3 - 14 weeks, then, I was hoping to hear the heartbeat by doppler, talk a bit with the doctor, and schedule my 4th visit which would be around week 20, just in time to find out the sex before Christmas.

After having trouble determining a heartbeat by doppler, my doctor put me in line for an ultrasound. I texted a few people to ask for prayers, but was truthfully only a little anxious - we had a tough time finding E's heartbeat before week 20 as well, so this felt a little normal based on my previous experiences.

The ultrasound tech came quickly, taking me back to the room, reassuring me that many times it's hard to find a heartbeat in these early weeks. I hopped up on the table, she pulled out her magic wand, and as soon as she touched my belly, our sweet baby appeared right there on the screen, just as perfect as I imagined he would look. She took a quick picture of the screen, put the wand down, and then started looking around for a different wand. And then she left. While she was gone, I started studying the picture on the screen. Some things became apparent, such as the fact that the baby was measuring about 5 days behind - not extremely significant if this was my first ultrasound, but especially significant considering my first u/s had shown development right on schedule. When she returned with my doctor, it didn't take long to find out why. The sound that every mom waits to hear - the thundering horses that reassures your hopes and calms your fears - was never heard. Further scans showed no blow flow throughout the baby, and most significantly, no blood flow to the heart. There are truly no words to describe that moment. I would imagine it's a little like staring at a tsunami far off in the ocean, heading your direction, promising certain disaster but not knowing to what degree that disaster will affect you.

I called my husband. I called my mom. I called work. Texts started to flow with messages of love and concern. I went home, and L came home to meet me. We cried, we talked, we laughed, we prayed. I explained more details from the morning and we began to make a few decisions that would create a tentative timeline for the next few days. We had lunch, rested for a bit while we continued to share the news with family and friends, then went to pick up E from the sitter's house. Our emotions fluctuated throughout the evening, feeling God's presence through our joys and tears. I enjoyed and appreciated my time with E that night in ways I never had before. Sleep was evasive, but we endured the night.

Day 2 coming soon...

Talking Sticks

Today as we pulled out of the parking lot of the church on our way home, I heard E in the backseat...'I love you so much, mommy.' This indescribable feeling swelled up in my heart - I mean, there is nothing in this whole world that compares to hearing your own child say those words - so I turned back to her and said, 'Baby, I love you so much too!' She quickly replied, 'NO! Not youuuu, mommy - this mommy.' And she pointed to the two sticks she had managed to pick up and sneak into the car - one of those clearly being the 'mommy' stick and the other being the child, I guess.

I mean, sure.......I would've loved to have been the intended recipient of that outward expression of her affection, but it was enough to know that even in the imaginary world that she's beginning to create, genuine love is expressed in families. And even if I don't get a direct 'I love you' every day, it's still sweetly affirming that if even sticks love their mommies...maybe little girls do too. ;)

When conversations with God don't go as planned.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:

J?
I'm not listening.
J?
Not listening!
J?
God - I know you want to talk to me about my frustrations with my husband. And right now, I just want to stay mad at him forever. And if I talk to you, I know I won't be able to do that. So....as I said, I'm NOT listening. (So I turned the praise music up louder.......to hear Kari Jobe singing......and God laughing in the background)

At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart; yes, You've won my heart
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty 
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross

God?
Yes, J?
I'm ready to listen. It's just that I miss him, I wish he weren't gone so much. I wish I could be sure that he wanted to be here more. I wish...
You're not really ready to listen, are you?
Sorry. I'm ready.
J, you've been doing a lot of comparing lately. A lot of comparing the behavior you perceive in him to what you would wish it to be. A lot of comparing of how much he's giving into the "family" to what you've been giving. And he keeps coming up short in your mind...so you're frustrated, right?
Yes! So you see it too? Oh, I should've been listening to you sooner, God! You really do understand....
You're not listening, again.
Oh. 
As I was saying, you've been doing a lot of comparing...but you've not been doing the right comparing. You've been operating as though you are the righteous one, as though you are the one who has the power to forgive, as though you are the one in control. And, beloved - I love you dearly, but you are missing the point. 'No one is righteous, no, not one.' (Rom 3:10) That was the reason I had to send Jesus. Through Jesus, I have given you a severe mercy, a mercy that as a follower of Christ you are to extend to others. 'Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' (Col 3:12-13) Dear one, the only justification for comparison that you will find in the cross of Christ is in how much a reflection you are toward others of the great mercies you have found in Me. In how much you love others. In how willing you are to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No other comparisons can be made, for no one is worthy according to their own merit. 
Oh, God. Wow. I really screwed this one up, didn't I?
I love you, dear one. I have been working in his heart too. Go to him. Trust me. Honor me in your heart and in your words and I will go before and behind you. 'Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

Things you need a mom for.

There are things in this world that you just need a mom for. In light of the fact that I am REALLY thankful for her today for coming up and being "Nana" for a day while I escaped these four walls(!!), I'd thought I'd list a few:

-Moms just really "get" you - even when you don't think they ever could
-Moms only get better with age at lovin' on little ones - exploration, excitement, doing things over and over and over and over and over and over......
-Moms can (apparently) lead your child to a 100% successful pottying day on the first day they arrive (even though you've been trying to get there for five days......)
-Only your mom can give it to you straight without offending you in the slightest (because you know deep down they really do care)
-Moms never stop wanting to become a better person - love more deeply, serve more intently, give more freely

I really love my mom. :)