Spring Break

This year was our first experience with a "Spring Break," and it just happened to coincide with a week-long work trip for my husband. Now, though I'm getting better accustomed to taking on single parenthood while daddy is gone on his trips, I could not legitimately look at a week where E would be out of school, I would be at work, and daddy would be in another part of the state, and still imagine a world where I was able to keep my sanity...so E and I made plans to head north to my parents' mountain house for the week.

I have to admit that although I was looking forward to some much-needed one-on-one time with E, I was also somewhat dreading the sun-up to sun-down responsibility of cooking, cleaning, pottying, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, pottying, cleaning....that was sure to take up most of the days ahead. However, it turns out my little girl has been doing some growing up herself over the past few months at preschool. Looking back on the week, I realized that about ninety percent of the times she called my name, she was genuinely requesting that I come engage in some kind of play with her, and only about ten percent of the time did she truly need help with daily activities.

It was a week of precious bonding between this mama and her little girl. Though I didn't get a ton of pictures, I did force myself to carry my camera with me on a few occasions, and it was of course worth it. I caught some priceless faces on camera, ones that will surely capture the memories of that week for years to come. We even got to spend a few of our days with JJ - one of my very best friends. Because E loves her almost as much as I do, we had a little turf war the first day over whose friend JJ was, as E was completely convinced JJ had come simply for her personal enjoyment. :)

With every stage of childhood so far, I keep catching myself thinking/saying, "Surely this is the best stage. There's no way it gets better than this." And even though the "3's" are peppered with attitudes, sassiness, and disrespectfulness at times, as I look at these pictures I'm still catching myself in the midst of the thought that this is most certainly the best stage so far. 

We've gotta find a daddy, don't we?

Some days I feel like I spend the whole day laughing at everything that comes out of my child's mouth. The things that she thinks, evidenced by the things that she says, are just plain entertaining most of the time. I even find myself having to duck behind corners to straighten my face so that I can re-enter the room and assume the disciplinarian role, when the sass begins to tilt over into disrespectfulness and an "opportunity to parent" arises.

Conversations with E these days are a true joy, though. Tonight was one I want to file away for sure. We were sitting at the dinner table, enjoying chocolate chip pancakes and cheesy eggs - a dinner she had requested and was enjoying. :) She was on her third pancake, and I was commenting on how well she was eating...

E: "Yep, I'm going to grow big."
Me: "You sure are. You're going to be big and strong."
E: "Yep, I'm going to be big and strong like you, Mama."
Me: "E, do you want to be a mommy when you grow up?"
E: "Yep, I'm going to be a mommy....We've gotta find a daddy, don't we?"
Me: "We sure do."
E: "I'm gonna marry my daddy."
Me: "Nope, sorry baby girl. Daddy's already married to me. We've gotta find you another daddy."
E: "Yeah, cause Daddy sings to you and does ballet with you."

I just love peering at the world through her eyes. I love that she loves her daddy, and that - for all she knows of marriage at this point - she's looking forward to being a mama/wife one day. And I'm especially thankful that the Lord has already set within her heart a desire to find a man like her daddy.

L and I have a little joke that #1 on the list of "what it means to be a Bost" is: A Bost gets married by the age of 23. To make a long story short, this has nothing to do with making marriage trite and rushed into, but everything to do with the fact that we ourselves would never trade the experiences we've had as "young marrieds" for anything - the Lord has taught us so much and made himself known to us, challenging us to grow and mature in ways we could've never done without each other. And as a wife, I've been able to grow, mature, fail, succeed, try, try again, try some more...all with the security of knowing that I have someone right there beside me, in the flesh, who is FOR me, who is praying for the Lord's gift of loving me unconditionally, who is never gonna leave me. The security of our earthly relationship has afforded me an incredible opportunity to become a person I never imagined I could ever be. And when I fail in every other realm of life, I get to come home to a man who first shows me unconditional love and then helps me sort through the failures and figure out what I need to take responsibility for, what I need to let go of, and what I need to take to the cross of Christ.

So, should marriage be jumped into lightly? No. Do I want E to marry the first single man she meets, if she's not married by the age of 23? Not at all. But do I want to encourage a desire within her to be seeking out her husband from an early age? Absolutely. Do I want to continue to model for her that a marriage worth having is one that is continually being refined by the Lord (so the earlier you start, the longer you'll have to actually enjoy it)? Without a doubt. :)

Favorites

On the way to school this morning, I started up a conversation with E about her "favorites" - just to see what she would say. After going through the usual list of favorite color, favorite food, favorite movie, favorite song, favorite friend, I decided to dig a little more. (Confession time - I really wanted to ask her whether mommy was her favorite or daddy.) But I couldn't get past the voice in my head arguing just how unfair and unbiblical that question really was, so I opted for another:

Me: "Hey E - What's your favorite thing that mommy does?"
E: "Ummm...cook."
(I had made her scrambled eggs that morning, which is one of her favorite things to eat)

Me: "So, what's your favorite thing that daddy does?"
E grins a little, sticks outs her tongue, and proceeds to make potty noises with her mouth...and then starts laughing hysterically.

I'm not sure if there has ever been a better commentary on life at our house. :)

Sassiness

I guess I knew I had it coming. In fact, the overwhelming majority of the people that I confide in these days have one response: "Well, I wonder where she got that from, hmmm?" (insert dripping sarcasm)

I will absolutely admit to a certain amount of pride over my daughter's behavior in the past. She is (by nature) full of joy and laughter, attractive, very healthy, a great eater, a great sleeper - and though I can take credit for absolutely none of these things, I have still stood back and beamed with pride as others have taken notice of some of these things about her as well.

And, because of my background and training in behavior modification, I have also managed to stay pretty much a few steps ahead of her on the battlefield up to this point.

And then she turned 3.

Friends warned us. Parents warned us. Authors of well-respected books warned us. Our pediatrician even warned us. And as we received these warnings, I - of course - nodded my head and smiled, seemingly understanding and accepting all they were saying; but secretly rebelling in my head: What - my child? Do you even know E? Don't you know that I have had extensive training in behavioral therapy? And she even has a very involved and authoritative father - doesn't that make such a huge difference?

It's a really good thing that I have developed a filter for my thoughts and chose to keep those particular ones to myself. Because today I am eating my words. For breakfast, lunch, dinner and a few snacks in between.

Being a parent these days is so hard. Instant gratification permeates our world. Children are valued in theory but not in practice, leading to a LOT of judgment passed on parents who are just trying to figure it all out, and I've been on both sides of the coin - finding myself passing judgment in one moment and then hiding from it in the very next.

I am so thankful to authors such as Leslie Leyland Fields, Dr. Tedd Tripp, Dr. Voddie Baucham, and many others, including some incredible friends, who are in the trenches of raising children in the Lord - not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. And by walking the walk, I mean exposing their strengths and their weaknesses, their successes and their failures, the results of their reliance on God's strength and the results of their reliance on their own strength.

Waking up to a 3-year-old who is beginning to test drive sassy little come-backs to my directives such as, "You know better than that, Mommy" and "I don't like you right now" and even just the simple, silent, willful, direct disobedience has been a little derailing lately, to be honest. At times, I've simply been so overwhelmed and bewildered at her blatant disobedience that I've had to take my own little "time-out" just to regroup and decide what to do next. Its confusing how I can love her more today than I ever have before and yet at the same time lack so much confidence in whether I am actually demonstrating that love to her as well today as I was yesterday. Love includes discipline, restraint, boundaries, in addition to the physical affection, quality time, words of affirmation and all the other things that had been in my parenting bag of tricks. When to hug and affirm and forgive? When to discipline, say no to something, withhold? When to discuss the issue? When to resolve?

Thankfully, I am not without a Guide in this process. God - our Father - has not only given us pages and pages full of how to demonstrate His love to our children, but He has actually gone before us and done it. And He has placed within me the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me each and every moment. And given us Jesus, who paid the price for our shortcomings, our sins. Every time I fail at this thing called parenting, all I have to do is run straight for the forgiveness that has already been purchased for me through Jesus' death on the cross.

This past week in church our pastor preached for almost an hour on four verses. Something of the norm, I might add. ;) Anyhow, one of the verses he talked for a while on was Revelation 2:9, "I know your tribulation and your poverty (but you are rich)." He was talking to the church in Smyrna, a group of Christians that were facing a LOT of persecution for their claim to Christ. But as our pastor discussed the many expositions and implications of this verse, I began to see a lot of parallels in how I view my own life. There are so many areas I see of tribulation and poverty (parenting has been climbing to the top of this list very quickly as of late), but in all these things - in all actuality - I am rich! I have God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and Savior, and the Holy Spirit living and active within me. I have the promise of eternity with Jesus. I have all the power given to Jesus and more. I have all these things, which certainly adds up to a LOT more than my "bag of tricks," and it's time I start relying more on these things than on my own abilities and start parenting out of my richness in Christ instead of out of my poverty as a human. And I think maybe - just maybe - the humility brought on by the newly-found sassiness of my little lady has afforded me an opportunity to come, on my knees, for a fresh start again. 


"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." ~Mark 10:15

My Man

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  ~Ephesians 5:25-32


I think I've alluded before to the fact that the first year of marriage was INCREDIBLY difficult for L and I. I came into marriage with a load of expectations that I dumped on him the moment he said, "I do." I had expectations for how he would dress, how he would act, how he would lead, the things that he would consider important, the way he would romance me...you name it, I had a PLAN. And so for almost one straight year, I spent a great deal of time frustrated that he was not living up to the expectations I thought he had promised at the alter he would fulfill. Add to the frustration the fact that I had pretty poor conflict resolution skills, and you get a total MESS and a good picture of what life was like for a large portion of the first year.

Thankfully, God has relentlessly pursued mine and my husband's hearts, and over the past six years, we have learned (by walking through the fire) how to love and respect and submit to one another - not perfectly by any means! But we are certainly in a healthier place today than we were back then. I am still so full of sinful flesh patterns, but God is teaching me day by day how to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. I have learned (over time) that GOD is the one who changes my husband's heart and actions - not me! And that when God does effect change, it is because it pleases God and honors God to do so...not because I should be the end-all, be-all recipient of L's changed life. 


When L and I first got married, I used to hold the verse above up to him as challenge - "See this? See what you're supposed to be/do/say/act like? See how you're supposed to be leading me? See all this responsibility you have before God for our marriage?" Instead of God's Word being used to offer life and grace and mercy, I was using it to crush his spirit and bring condemnation in so many ways. It's hard to confess and sad to say, but its true.

Today, though, because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in our marriage, I cannot read these words above without singing praises to my Savior for the man he gave me to live out my life with on this earth. What a testimony to the lovingkindness and favor of our God that He has brought us through fire and ice to a place where I truly believe that my husband embodies the call given to him in Ephesians 5 (and in case you read it any other way, let me be clear: God has changed MY heart and MY attitudes, so that my belief in my husband's integrity is not dependent on my husband...the source of my belief is in a God who has never failed in His goodness to me). A place where - when given the opportunity to believe the worst or the best about his motives or intentions - I can easily and freely choose to believe the best (because of God's great grace!). A place where - when Satan tempts me to list all of the things that he does that frustrate me - I can quickly and easily recall the list of things that he does to honor me and cherish me and love me (which is, by the way - the best advice my mom has ever given me and was instrumental in changing my attitude and expectations toward my husband).

I am SO excited about where the Lord is leading our marriage and for the plans He has for us. If God can take the awful mess of our first year and transform it into the marriage we have today (which is SO not perfect AT ALL, but is full of life and love and satisfaction in each other and free of so many of the expectations that I brought to the alter), I have no doubt He can do it for anyone else. And I have no doubts that He will continue to transform these areas and other areas of our lives into His image and us into a vessel that seeks to bring Him glory in all things. Praise be to God!

First Day of (Pre)School

I just love my kid. She is growing into a little girl before my very eyes, which is definitely a little scary along with the thrill. But she has a really precious and tender little heart, and I've got an awesome task to steward that heart in a way that leads her to the feet of a Holy God. I actually don't feel the pressure to get it right all the time; in fact, the pressure I feel is almost the exact opposite - to be vulnerable enough before her to show her how to run to Jesus when she and I and everyone else in the whole world get it wrong...sometimes really, really wrong. To have the discipline and grace to step back and allow the Lord to use EVERYthing - accomplishments, tragedy, disappointments, joys, fun, heartache - for the purpose of drawing her closer to Him. If I am afraid of anything it would be my tendency to rush in and provide a band-aid in my own strength when there is a God patiently waiting to apply full and miraculous healing for her wounds in His own timing and purpose.

I definitely shed a few tears this morning as I went in to wake E for her first day of preschool. It seems totally unreal that only three short years ago, I was just starting to get used to the way she fit into my arms. And yet she is already old enough for preschool. Incredible. Surreal.

She's had an independent streak in her since Day One, and was never really a "cuddler." Today I found the blessing in that as she didn't even look back at me after I kissed her "bye." Not one tear. Not one extra hug. Just, "Bye, mom." I forced myself to walk away, knowing that if I didn't my instinct would soon take over to grab her up, take her home, deadbolt the doors and never let her grow up. I really and truly envisioned myself doing that a few times. But God - in His mercy - always brings me back to my calling to steward her life well and I let go again, submitting gladly to the fact that He has planned great and wonderful things for her life.

She had a great day, of course. When I showed up this afternoon, she actually didn't notice me at first so I had a few stolen moments to get the "scoop" from her teacher and watch from a distance as she played.

After we got in the car, I interrogated her a bit about her day:

"What did you do today?" We played.
"Who did you play with?" My friends. *HUGE smile*
"Who are your friends?" C.
"And J?" Yep.
"And S?" Yep.
"And W?" (Thinking for a second.) Maybe not.
"What did you have for lunch?" Peaches! And crackers. And caaaake. *grin*
"Did you have fun?" Yep.
"Wanna go back again tomorrow?" Yep. 

Aside from the fact that she came home saying "Yep" instead of "Yes, ma'am," I think we'll count the first day as a pretty big success. :)

So This is Christmas

It's amazing how radically different this Christmas has proven to be from what I had expected and anticipated.

First of all, this is my first-ever blog post on my new iPad(!!). My husband teamed up with my parents on a gift that has absolutely blown my mind. The cool part about the gift is the affirmation that came with it in regards to my writing. Their intention with this gift is not just that I could have an awesome toy (even though it is!) but that it would be stewarded in a way that allowed me to blog more easily and more often, to write at times that would otherwise be more difficult without the technology. It's no secret that to those who know me that blogging has been a window into my mostly-secret thoughts. Thoughts that in the past I have guarded very carefully, even from those whom I love and trust. Sometimes it's hard for me to verbalize those thoughts - either for fear of judgment or just because I can conceptualize the difficulty and time it would take to work through an idea with someone, and that length of time just does not practically exist at that particular moment. I have blogged many, many late nights when the house is quiet enough for me to work through the maze of my complicated thoughts and ideas. My husband and I have a running joke that sometimes others know me better than he does simply because they read my blog posts before he is able to get to them. And I have to admit that to some degree and on some days, that is probably true. Words just seem to organize in my head and flow onto paper more easily than out of my mouth. And I have the added bonus of the "delete" button when I write something I decide I didn't really mean or that doesn't truly reflect my heart or God's Word accurately. Can't do that in conversation...if you could, I would probably have more friends. ;) Anyhow, as excited as I truly am about this gift, I feel quite impressed upon to steward it well - not just as a toy, but as a way to honor God more fully in my life. I pray that I am able to do that.

Secondly, there is of course the great sadness that ebbs and flows with the desire to be nurturing life within my womb this Christmas season. The great sadness has led, though, to a fuller understanding of the greater JOY that Christ was born to us, that He chose humility and human weakness...that He left the right hand of the Father in search of the hand of His Bride. I know that Jeremiah's life was not only meant to bring me closer to Christ, but it has and for that I am looking forward to one day hugging my son and telling him how much he has affected my life just in the few weeks God allowed him to grow. The picture below is the only piece of a quilt that my sister had finished when we got the news that Jeremiah had passed. For Christmas, she framed it and gave it to us. Every single part of it is divinely inspired, and I am so thankful - once again - for God's tender graces to us through our friends and family.




Thirdly, because of travel plans this year (one of which included me agreeing to allow my parents to fly E to the other side of the continent to visit my brother and his wife in California...still not sure what I was thinking!?), we chose to have Santa bring presents on the morning of Christmas Eve. It was a completely logistical decision, but as I woke up this morning, my mind clear of any notions of presents and video cameras and breakfast preparations, I was able to sit quietly in the early morning and just pray and read the Word and remember and meditate on my Savior and thank Him for choosing us, for choosing me. The divinely-inspired ability to enjoy and celebrate and begin this day focused only on Jesus' birth has compelled me to secretly plan to work out a deal with "Santa" to arrive at our house every Christmas Eve morning from now on. Maybe I can talk him into that - we'll have to see. :)

Getting ready for the big trip to California...