NOW I Remember Saying That.

It hit me sometime over the past few days that about a month or so ago - during my prayers and conversations with God - I had mentioned to him that I would be willing to go wherever He led our family and that no matter how much He wanted to shift our idea of "normal," I would be okay with that and follow Him. Of course, I was thinking and praying inside a box that meant I would be willing to adapt to changes in zip code or changes in societal comfort levels...NOT even considering for a moment that God would turn life completely upside down in a way that I never even anticipated.

I can't tell you how much I just never, ever, in a million years, expected to be the girl on the ultrasound table who heard the words, "Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." Never. Ever. Now, don't get me wrong. God provided a supernatural peace throughout the whole experience of that moment. But even now, when I look back on the whole situation, it's still hard to believe that it's actually been me - in MY skin - walking through this whole process. To complicate the reality of it all, I still have memories in my head of the first ultrasound visit for this little baby, at around 10 weeks, when I saw him bouncing all around on the big flat screen, with a heartbeat steady and strong, flexing his long little legs, turning his little head toward me on the screen. In that moment, I loved him. I came home and put pictures of him up on Facebook for the whole world to see. It's been hard to reconcile that that baby is no longer alive on this earth and that he will not one day be the child that E is now. His purpose for existence was very different, and I'm still on a journey to understand what that purpose really was and is.

So now I remember telling God that I was ready for him to change our lives. And now I understand that I was only ready because He had begun prompting me and prompting my heart to accept the trials He was planning for me. And though I certainly never anticipated the kind of changes He was about to make in our lives, I rest in the fact that God has a purpose and a plan. In fact, I have found myself saying over and over again recently to those around me that the only thing that holds me together some moments is the overwhelming truth and persuasion that God has great purpose in all these things to bring glory to His Name through demonstrating His goodness in all circumstances. It doesn't take away the hurt all the time, but it does give unexplainable peace that resonates deep within my soul.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

-Horatio Spafford, 1873

P.S. If you've never read the story behind these words, it's worth your time.