How Are You Doing?

This is probably one of the worst questions ever.

Now, I know that this is more than just a journal - it's a public blog too. And I've probably already offended someone or made someone feel uncomfortable, or something worse...but hear me out.

It's one of the worst questions ever because it's one of those questions that forces you to make eye contact with the person if you want to know if they really care what your answer is. Then when you make that eye contact and you find out they really do care, well...for me, that's when the tears start flowing. And I've cried a LOT of tears over the past few weeks. Because, you know what? There are actually a LOT of people in this world who have asked that question with eyes and hearts full of love and concern for me and my family. It's humbling. It has affected me and changed me deeply as a person.

The other reason I hate the question is because I always wonder if those people ever talk amongst themselves about the answers I gave them. Not in a gossipy kind of way, just more along the lines of "Hey, sounds like J is doing well." Or, "Wow, J's having a really rough day." Because if they did, what they would more than likely find is that at 9:30am on a Wednesday, I was having a really awesome day, then for reasons I couldn't even explain, at 4:30pm on that same day, I laid down in the middle of the floor in the fetal position and cried like a baby. And then at 1:30am in the middle of the following night, I sat wide awake on the couch wondering if I would ever be able to sleep normally again. The reason I wonder if these people talk amongst themselves is because when I look back at the day and remember the things I said to someone at one moment and then remember the way I felt at another moment, it's apparent that those two things were completely different, though - in their respective moments - completely accurate. Taken as a whole, I look (and feel) completely bipolar, and a total hypocrite. It's not really plausible to offer someone the whole picture every time they ask, but a snapshot really isn't a good gauge for how I really am either. 

Thirdly, though I feel in NO way worthy to compare myself to David, I have had a few 'kindred moments' while reading through some of his writings and songs, with his manic-depressive way of boasting proudly in a mighty God one moment, and then begging God humbly for new mercies the next. Psalm 89 is a classic example of David's "rebounding" - and is a great portrait of my days right now. I believe God is faithful and has a purpose for our loss. (How unbelievably depressing would it be if I didn't think God had a great purpose in that!?) However, even though I believe in my heart, and in my mind, and have spoken that belief over and over with my words, I still feel like David in vs. 46-49, and I have begged God many, many times to just allow my heart to move forward out of this valley. My mind seems eager to move on: to get back into a workout routine, or to get back into the pace of work or just daily living. But it's as if God has not fully released me from this trial for some reason, and I still have lessons yet to learn.

Now that's a lot to unpack for a sweet friend who is just meaning to check my vitals and hug my neck. Hence the reason I don't usually give the full-length version when someone pops the dreaded question. And, deep inside, I do understand and appreciate that those around me - as I said before - really care deeply, even when they aren't asking for the full commentary on my life over the past two weeks.

Since this IS a public blog, it must be said that I am not keeping a secret list of those who have asked this question of me. To be honest, so much of these days has been a fog that I couldn't tell you half of the things that have been said to me, unless they were written down. So if you have found or if you do find yourself wanting to ask this question of me, please don't hesitate. Just know two things: 1) I will be looking in your eyes to find comfort in your genuine concern, at which point you might witness a few of my tears; and 2) Whatever it is that I tell you could very possibly be null and void 30 minutes later. This is just a journey with lots of ups and downs, and bumps and bruises. And you are welcome to walk a portion of it with me at anytime.