My Man

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  ~Ephesians 5:25-32


I think I've alluded before to the fact that the first year of marriage was INCREDIBLY difficult for L and I. I came into marriage with a load of expectations that I dumped on him the moment he said, "I do." I had expectations for how he would dress, how he would act, how he would lead, the things that he would consider important, the way he would romance me...you name it, I had a PLAN. And so for almost one straight year, I spent a great deal of time frustrated that he was not living up to the expectations I thought he had promised at the alter he would fulfill. Add to the frustration the fact that I had pretty poor conflict resolution skills, and you get a total MESS and a good picture of what life was like for a large portion of the first year.

Thankfully, God has relentlessly pursued mine and my husband's hearts, and over the past six years, we have learned (by walking through the fire) how to love and respect and submit to one another - not perfectly by any means! But we are certainly in a healthier place today than we were back then. I am still so full of sinful flesh patterns, but God is teaching me day by day how to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. I have learned (over time) that GOD is the one who changes my husband's heart and actions - not me! And that when God does effect change, it is because it pleases God and honors God to do so...not because I should be the end-all, be-all recipient of L's changed life. 


When L and I first got married, I used to hold the verse above up to him as challenge - "See this? See what you're supposed to be/do/say/act like? See how you're supposed to be leading me? See all this responsibility you have before God for our marriage?" Instead of God's Word being used to offer life and grace and mercy, I was using it to crush his spirit and bring condemnation in so many ways. It's hard to confess and sad to say, but its true.

Today, though, because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in our marriage, I cannot read these words above without singing praises to my Savior for the man he gave me to live out my life with on this earth. What a testimony to the lovingkindness and favor of our God that He has brought us through fire and ice to a place where I truly believe that my husband embodies the call given to him in Ephesians 5 (and in case you read it any other way, let me be clear: God has changed MY heart and MY attitudes, so that my belief in my husband's integrity is not dependent on my husband...the source of my belief is in a God who has never failed in His goodness to me). A place where - when given the opportunity to believe the worst or the best about his motives or intentions - I can easily and freely choose to believe the best (because of God's great grace!). A place where - when Satan tempts me to list all of the things that he does that frustrate me - I can quickly and easily recall the list of things that he does to honor me and cherish me and love me (which is, by the way - the best advice my mom has ever given me and was instrumental in changing my attitude and expectations toward my husband).

I am SO excited about where the Lord is leading our marriage and for the plans He has for us. If God can take the awful mess of our first year and transform it into the marriage we have today (which is SO not perfect AT ALL, but is full of life and love and satisfaction in each other and free of so many of the expectations that I brought to the alter), I have no doubt He can do it for anyone else. And I have no doubts that He will continue to transform these areas and other areas of our lives into His image and us into a vessel that seeks to bring Him glory in all things. Praise be to God!

First Day of (Pre)School

I just love my kid. She is growing into a little girl before my very eyes, which is definitely a little scary along with the thrill. But she has a really precious and tender little heart, and I've got an awesome task to steward that heart in a way that leads her to the feet of a Holy God. I actually don't feel the pressure to get it right all the time; in fact, the pressure I feel is almost the exact opposite - to be vulnerable enough before her to show her how to run to Jesus when she and I and everyone else in the whole world get it wrong...sometimes really, really wrong. To have the discipline and grace to step back and allow the Lord to use EVERYthing - accomplishments, tragedy, disappointments, joys, fun, heartache - for the purpose of drawing her closer to Him. If I am afraid of anything it would be my tendency to rush in and provide a band-aid in my own strength when there is a God patiently waiting to apply full and miraculous healing for her wounds in His own timing and purpose.

I definitely shed a few tears this morning as I went in to wake E for her first day of preschool. It seems totally unreal that only three short years ago, I was just starting to get used to the way she fit into my arms. And yet she is already old enough for preschool. Incredible. Surreal.

She's had an independent streak in her since Day One, and was never really a "cuddler." Today I found the blessing in that as she didn't even look back at me after I kissed her "bye." Not one tear. Not one extra hug. Just, "Bye, mom." I forced myself to walk away, knowing that if I didn't my instinct would soon take over to grab her up, take her home, deadbolt the doors and never let her grow up. I really and truly envisioned myself doing that a few times. But God - in His mercy - always brings me back to my calling to steward her life well and I let go again, submitting gladly to the fact that He has planned great and wonderful things for her life.

She had a great day, of course. When I showed up this afternoon, she actually didn't notice me at first so I had a few stolen moments to get the "scoop" from her teacher and watch from a distance as she played.

After we got in the car, I interrogated her a bit about her day:

"What did you do today?" We played.
"Who did you play with?" My friends. *HUGE smile*
"Who are your friends?" C.
"And J?" Yep.
"And S?" Yep.
"And W?" (Thinking for a second.) Maybe not.
"What did you have for lunch?" Peaches! And crackers. And caaaake. *grin*
"Did you have fun?" Yep.
"Wanna go back again tomorrow?" Yep. 

Aside from the fact that she came home saying "Yep" instead of "Yes, ma'am," I think we'll count the first day as a pretty big success. :)