From a parenting/shepherding point of view, today was a monumental day in our house, definitely a day every Christian parent should celebrate. Tonight, in a very precious and powerful way, L and I saw evidence of the Holy Spirit working in E's little heart.
We were all sitting down to dinner when E hopped down and headed off to potty (for some reason she always realizes that she needs to potty at the exact moment we are sitting down to dinner). Since starting school, she's gotten almost completely independent with pottying, but (like most kids, I think) hates to wash her hands. So since I'm not in there to supervise, I always have to ask her on the way back if she's washed her hands...and most times I have to send her back in to finish that last step.
Tonight on her way back to the table, I asked her the same question, "E, did you wash your hands?"
"Yes, mommy. I did." I peered at her out of the corner of my eye, a questioning look on my face. "E, are you sure you washed your hands?"
"Yes, mommy. I did."
"Okay, then." I said. "Come on back up to the table." I still wasn't sure whether or not she was lying, but since she rarely bold-face lies to me, I decided to take her on her word this time. But I was already filing a mental note to eavesdrop on her next bathroom trip a little to see if her trustworthiness was beginning to diminish in this area.
We all picked up our forks and started eating. Not even three minutes later, E slams her fork down and says, almost frantically, "I need to go wash my hands! I didn't wash them." And off she went. L and I stared at each other, both thinking the same thing, "Did what I think just happened really happen?" When she came trotting back to the table a few minutes later, she was grinning from ear to ear. I picked her up to set her back in her chair, and she leaned in to my face, "Mommy, did that make you happy?"
Sensing that her little heart was really grasping some amazing truths, I responded with total affirmation, "Yes, baby. It sure did. It makes mommy so happy when you tell me the truth and do what mommy asks you to do."
When E was seated again at the table, my (awesome, amazing, incredibly Godly) husband opened up the conversation further. "E, did you hear a voice in your head telling you that you lied to mommy and daddy about washing your hands? Is that why you went and washed your hands?"
"Yes, daddy. I did." Oh my goodness! God was leading us straight into a conversation about the Holy Spirit with our THREE YEAR OLD. Amazing.
L continued on, "Well, E, that voice that you heard is God. God was the one telling you that you shouldn't lie to mommy and daddy and that you should obey mommy and daddy."
"Yes it was God, daddy. God was talking to me," she replied.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. "And when God talks to you inside your head like that, that's called the Holy Spirit. He's the one that lives in your heart and helps you obey mommy and daddy."
"Yep," she said, so matter-of-factly.
And so there it was. Evidence. Evidence that God is shepherding my little girl's heart. Evidence that he is already at work in her life. Evidence that I can trust that, when I don't discern untruths and disobedience, the Holy Spirit is working in her heart to continue to guide her toward Truth. I never imagined in my whole life I would be given an opportunity to so clearly articulate the Holy Spirit to any three-year-old, much less my own. But God is faithful and He leads us according to His purposes. And as I continue to pray for the salvation and sanctification of my child(ren), I am so encouraged to see Him faithfully answering that prayer, even at such a young age.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Surviving the Sword & Finding Grace
As I have endeavored once again to continue blogging on a regular basis (it's too daunting still to commit to the word "daily," but I'm trying), I have been met with nothing but encouragement on every side. My parents and my husband have always been the biggest cheerleaders...partly because this is sometimes the only way they get to hear the things I am pondering in my heart, the things that the Holy Spirit really is working on in me and teaching me and telling me.
I'm still struggling with figuring out how to make it part of my daily schedule. When should I try to fit it in? What is acceptable to sacrifice in order to make this a priority? Those are all questions that I'm working through as I figure out how to be obedient to the Holy Spirit as He directs me to continue to chronicle this journey He has me on.
So, in light of all these things, I started to flip back through my previous "unpublished" posts in an effort to wrap up any loose ends and also save a little time on the front end of creating an entry. Of course, these are all the reasons I had for returning to the unfinished pile...while God had a totally different one.
Most of you know that in August of last year, L and I found out we were expecting our second child. In October, during my 10-week ultrasound, I got tons of pictures, saw my baby kicking around, and heard a thrilling little heartbeat. In November, during my 15-week visit, we found out that our little one had stopped growing, and thus began one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on to date.
Somewhere between the 10-week visit and the 14-week visit, I wrote this post below, in light of all the trials I was witnessing in the lives of those around me. What I didn't know at the time, was that the Lord was massaging my heart and life to be able to have the strength to withstand the sword that was soon to come my way. Everything written below is nothing short of completely divine from my perspective, even down to the fact that I had begun this post with a passage from Jeremiah, the name that L and I eventually chose to give our son that was born to us on November 19, 2010. Even though the post stops a little abruptly at the end, I hope you can see where I was going with it (I don't want to mess with the integrity of it at all, so I am leaving it unfinished). My prayer is that you will be as encouraged as I am to see that our God goes before us in all things to prepare us for the trials He allows to come our way. And He meets us with grace in the wilderness, He comes to us and brings rest, and His love and His faithfulness will continue forever and forever. He is so worthy of our praise in all things.
_______________________________
October 6, 2010
"At that time, declares the LORD, I will be the God of all the clans of Israel, and they shall be my people." Thus says the LORD: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." -Jeremiah 31:1-3
There's a lot of pain in this world, and recently I feel met with a lot of it. Not my own - but the pain of others that is tangible enough to taste. To be honest, some days I selfishly wrestle with fear for my own family experiencing something similar, and other days I selfishly wrestle with my own misunderstandings on comprehending a God that could not just allow, but even ordain, such fiery trials.
Not one of us can understand Him or His purposes - we see finitely, and He sees infinitely. We are trapped in a dimension of time, and He has always been, is the Great I AM, and will always be. Our selfish intentions lead us to serve to the master of sin, His self-glorying purposes are always Holy, because He is Holy.
I am encouraged to watch my friends in the trials, though. I truly believe that when God ordains for His people to go through trials, He grants them access to His grace in ways and through channels that they've never before known. I don't know how else to explain why my friend can praise God through the midst of his wife living on the fringe of death, in a medically-induced coma to suppress the effects of seizure after seizure, while their two children, 3 and 1, wait and wonder at their grandparents house.
I'm still struggling with figuring out how to make it part of my daily schedule. When should I try to fit it in? What is acceptable to sacrifice in order to make this a priority? Those are all questions that I'm working through as I figure out how to be obedient to the Holy Spirit as He directs me to continue to chronicle this journey He has me on.
So, in light of all these things, I started to flip back through my previous "unpublished" posts in an effort to wrap up any loose ends and also save a little time on the front end of creating an entry. Of course, these are all the reasons I had for returning to the unfinished pile...while God had a totally different one.
Most of you know that in August of last year, L and I found out we were expecting our second child. In October, during my 10-week ultrasound, I got tons of pictures, saw my baby kicking around, and heard a thrilling little heartbeat. In November, during my 15-week visit, we found out that our little one had stopped growing, and thus began one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on to date.
Somewhere between the 10-week visit and the 14-week visit, I wrote this post below, in light of all the trials I was witnessing in the lives of those around me. What I didn't know at the time, was that the Lord was massaging my heart and life to be able to have the strength to withstand the sword that was soon to come my way. Everything written below is nothing short of completely divine from my perspective, even down to the fact that I had begun this post with a passage from Jeremiah, the name that L and I eventually chose to give our son that was born to us on November 19, 2010. Even though the post stops a little abruptly at the end, I hope you can see where I was going with it (I don't want to mess with the integrity of it at all, so I am leaving it unfinished). My prayer is that you will be as encouraged as I am to see that our God goes before us in all things to prepare us for the trials He allows to come our way. And He meets us with grace in the wilderness, He comes to us and brings rest, and His love and His faithfulness will continue forever and forever. He is so worthy of our praise in all things.
_______________________________
October 6, 2010
"At that time, declares the LORD, I will be the God of all the clans of Israel, and they shall be my people." Thus says the LORD: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." -Jeremiah 31:1-3
There's a lot of pain in this world, and recently I feel met with a lot of it. Not my own - but the pain of others that is tangible enough to taste. To be honest, some days I selfishly wrestle with fear for my own family experiencing something similar, and other days I selfishly wrestle with my own misunderstandings on comprehending a God that could not just allow, but even ordain, such fiery trials.
Not one of us can understand Him or His purposes - we see finitely, and He sees infinitely. We are trapped in a dimension of time, and He has always been, is the Great I AM, and will always be. Our selfish intentions lead us to serve to the master of sin, His self-glorying purposes are always Holy, because He is Holy.
I am encouraged to watch my friends in the trials, though. I truly believe that when God ordains for His people to go through trials, He grants them access to His grace in ways and through channels that they've never before known. I don't know how else to explain why my friend can praise God through the midst of his wife living on the fringe of death, in a medically-induced coma to suppress the effects of seizure after seizure, while their two children, 3 and 1, wait and wonder at their grandparents house.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
31 Years Later
Today my parents celebrated their 31st anniversary. This year, my mom's parents will celebrate their 58th anniversary on October 10th, and my dad's parents will celebrate their 64th anniversary on January 11th. I am so thankful for the blessing of marriage that God has allowed to pass down from generation to generation in our family.
Now, nothing about my parent's marriage has ever been reflective of Hollywood's portrayal of love and marriage (thankfully!), so I find it quite ironic that one of the defining stories of their relationship was picked up and aired by Weather Channel's Storm Stories last year. Part of the hour-long documentary can be found in the video links on this page, and though it's not the full story, it gives a good glimpse into the basic details of the flood - an event that could have certainly claimed the lives of the only two people in this world that had the potential to create me.
But quite obviously, God had a different plan in mind for my parents. One in which they would live long enough to not only marry and have their own children, but also to know their own grandchildren. One in which they would choose to stay committed to each other through the good, the bad, and everything in between. I am so thankful for the way they have modeled their love, their affection and their marriage covenant before L and me. And I am so grateful to be challenged with the task of carrying on this legacy to my own children and (Lord willing!) seeing them continue to pass it on to their own children one day.
Now, nothing about my parent's marriage has ever been reflective of Hollywood's portrayal of love and marriage (thankfully!), so I find it quite ironic that one of the defining stories of their relationship was picked up and aired by Weather Channel's Storm Stories last year. Part of the hour-long documentary can be found in the video links on this page, and though it's not the full story, it gives a good glimpse into the basic details of the flood - an event that could have certainly claimed the lives of the only two people in this world that had the potential to create me.
But quite obviously, God had a different plan in mind for my parents. One in which they would live long enough to not only marry and have their own children, but also to know their own grandchildren. One in which they would choose to stay committed to each other through the good, the bad, and everything in between. I am so thankful for the way they have modeled their love, their affection and their marriage covenant before L and me. And I am so grateful to be challenged with the task of carrying on this legacy to my own children and (Lord willing!) seeing them continue to pass it on to their own children one day.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Spring Break
This year was our first experience with a "Spring Break," and it just happened to coincide with a week-long work trip for my husband. Now, though I'm getting better accustomed to taking on single parenthood while daddy is gone on his trips, I could not legitimately look at a week where E would be out of school, I would be at work, and daddy would be in another part of the state, and still imagine a world where I was able to keep my sanity...so E and I made plans to head north to my parents' mountain house for the week.
I have to admit that although I was looking forward to some much-needed one-on-one time with E, I was also somewhat dreading the sun-up to sun-down responsibility of cooking, cleaning, pottying, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, pottying, cleaning....that was sure to take up most of the days ahead. However, it turns out my little girl has been doing some growing up herself over the past few months at preschool. Looking back on the week, I realized that about ninety percent of the times she called my name, she was genuinely requesting that I come engage in some kind of play with her, and only about ten percent of the time did she truly need help with daily activities.
It was a week of precious bonding between this mama and her little girl. Though I didn't get a ton of pictures, I did force myself to carry my camera with me on a few occasions, and it was of course worth it. I caught some priceless faces on camera, ones that will surely capture the memories of that week for years to come. We even got to spend a few of our days with JJ - one of my very best friends. Because E loves her almost as much as I do, we had a little turf war the first day over whose friend JJ was, as E was completely convinced JJ had come simply for her personal enjoyment. :)
With every stage of childhood so far, I keep catching myself thinking/saying, "Surely this is the best stage. There's no way it gets better than this." And even though the "3's" are peppered with attitudes, sassiness, and disrespectfulness at times, as I look at these pictures I'm still catching myself in the midst of the thought that this is most certainly the best stage so far.
I have to admit that although I was looking forward to some much-needed one-on-one time with E, I was also somewhat dreading the sun-up to sun-down responsibility of cooking, cleaning, pottying, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, pottying, cleaning....that was sure to take up most of the days ahead. However, it turns out my little girl has been doing some growing up herself over the past few months at preschool. Looking back on the week, I realized that about ninety percent of the times she called my name, she was genuinely requesting that I come engage in some kind of play with her, and only about ten percent of the time did she truly need help with daily activities.
It was a week of precious bonding between this mama and her little girl. Though I didn't get a ton of pictures, I did force myself to carry my camera with me on a few occasions, and it was of course worth it. I caught some priceless faces on camera, ones that will surely capture the memories of that week for years to come. We even got to spend a few of our days with JJ - one of my very best friends. Because E loves her almost as much as I do, we had a little turf war the first day over whose friend JJ was, as E was completely convinced JJ had come simply for her personal enjoyment. :)
With every stage of childhood so far, I keep catching myself thinking/saying, "Surely this is the best stage. There's no way it gets better than this." And even though the "3's" are peppered with attitudes, sassiness, and disrespectfulness at times, as I look at these pictures I'm still catching myself in the midst of the thought that this is most certainly the best stage so far.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
We've gotta find a daddy, don't we?
Some days I feel like I spend the whole day laughing at everything that comes out of my child's mouth. The things that she thinks, evidenced by the things that she says, are just plain entertaining most of the time. I even find myself having to duck behind corners to straighten my face so that I can re-enter the room and assume the disciplinarian role, when the sass begins to tilt over into disrespectfulness and an "opportunity to parent" arises.
Conversations with E these days are a true joy, though. Tonight was one I want to file away for sure. We were sitting at the dinner table, enjoying chocolate chip pancakes and cheesy eggs - a dinner she had requested and was enjoying. :) She was on her third pancake, and I was commenting on how well she was eating...
E: "Yep, I'm going to grow big."
Me: "You sure are. You're going to be big and strong."
E: "Yep, I'm going to be big and strong like you, Mama."
Me: "E, do you want to be a mommy when you grow up?"
E: "Yep, I'm going to be a mommy....We've gotta find a daddy, don't we?"
Me: "We sure do."
E: "I'm gonna marry my daddy."
Me: "Nope, sorry baby girl. Daddy's already married to me. We've gotta find you another daddy."
E: "Yeah, cause Daddy sings to you and does ballet with you."
I just love peering at the world through her eyes. I love that she loves her daddy, and that - for all she knows of marriage at this point - she's looking forward to being a mama/wife one day. And I'm especially thankful that the Lord has already set within her heart a desire to find a man like her daddy.
L and I have a little joke that #1 on the list of "what it means to be a Bost" is: A Bost gets married by the age of 23. To make a long story short, this has nothing to do with making marriage trite and rushed into, but everything to do with the fact that we ourselves would never trade the experiences we've had as "young marrieds" for anything - the Lord has taught us so much and made himself known to us, challenging us to grow and mature in ways we could've never done without each other. And as a wife, I've been able to grow, mature, fail, succeed, try, try again, try some more...all with the security of knowing that I have someone right there beside me, in the flesh, who is FOR me, who is praying for the Lord's gift of loving me unconditionally, who is never gonna leave me. The security of our earthly relationship has afforded me an incredible opportunity to become a person I never imagined I could ever be. And when I fail in every other realm of life, I get to come home to a man who first shows me unconditional love and then helps me sort through the failures and figure out what I need to take responsibility for, what I need to let go of, and what I need to take to the cross of Christ.
So, should marriage be jumped into lightly? No. Do I want E to marry the first single man she meets, if she's not married by the age of 23? Not at all. But do I want to encourage a desire within her to be seeking out her husband from an early age? Absolutely. Do I want to continue to model for her that a marriage worth having is one that is continually being refined by the Lord (so the earlier you start, the longer you'll have to actually enjoy it)? Without a doubt. :)
Conversations with E these days are a true joy, though. Tonight was one I want to file away for sure. We were sitting at the dinner table, enjoying chocolate chip pancakes and cheesy eggs - a dinner she had requested and was enjoying. :) She was on her third pancake, and I was commenting on how well she was eating...
E: "Yep, I'm going to grow big."
Me: "You sure are. You're going to be big and strong."
E: "Yep, I'm going to be big and strong like you, Mama."
Me: "E, do you want to be a mommy when you grow up?"
E: "Yep, I'm going to be a mommy....We've gotta find a daddy, don't we?"
Me: "We sure do."
E: "I'm gonna marry my daddy."
Me: "Nope, sorry baby girl. Daddy's already married to me. We've gotta find you another daddy."
E: "Yeah, cause Daddy sings to you and does ballet with you."
I just love peering at the world through her eyes. I love that she loves her daddy, and that - for all she knows of marriage at this point - she's looking forward to being a mama/wife one day. And I'm especially thankful that the Lord has already set within her heart a desire to find a man like her daddy.
L and I have a little joke that #1 on the list of "what it means to be a Bost" is: A Bost gets married by the age of 23. To make a long story short, this has nothing to do with making marriage trite and rushed into, but everything to do with the fact that we ourselves would never trade the experiences we've had as "young marrieds" for anything - the Lord has taught us so much and made himself known to us, challenging us to grow and mature in ways we could've never done without each other. And as a wife, I've been able to grow, mature, fail, succeed, try, try again, try some more...all with the security of knowing that I have someone right there beside me, in the flesh, who is FOR me, who is praying for the Lord's gift of loving me unconditionally, who is never gonna leave me. The security of our earthly relationship has afforded me an incredible opportunity to become a person I never imagined I could ever be. And when I fail in every other realm of life, I get to come home to a man who first shows me unconditional love and then helps me sort through the failures and figure out what I need to take responsibility for, what I need to let go of, and what I need to take to the cross of Christ.
So, should marriage be jumped into lightly? No. Do I want E to marry the first single man she meets, if she's not married by the age of 23? Not at all. But do I want to encourage a desire within her to be seeking out her husband from an early age? Absolutely. Do I want to continue to model for her that a marriage worth having is one that is continually being refined by the Lord (so the earlier you start, the longer you'll have to actually enjoy it)? Without a doubt. :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Favorites
On the way to school this morning, I started up a conversation with E about her "favorites" - just to see what she would say. After going through the usual list of favorite color, favorite food, favorite movie, favorite song, favorite friend, I decided to dig a little more. (Confession time - I really wanted to ask her whether mommy was her favorite or daddy.) But I couldn't get past the voice in my head arguing just how unfair and unbiblical that question really was, so I opted for another:
Me: "Hey E - What's your favorite thing that mommy does?"
E: "Ummm...cook."
(I had made her scrambled eggs that morning, which is one of her favorite things to eat)
Me: "So, what's your favorite thing that daddy does?"
E grins a little, sticks outs her tongue, and proceeds to make potty noises with her mouth...and then starts laughing hysterically.
I'm not sure if there has ever been a better commentary on life at our house. :)
Me: "Hey E - What's your favorite thing that mommy does?"
E: "Ummm...cook."
(I had made her scrambled eggs that morning, which is one of her favorite things to eat)
Me: "So, what's your favorite thing that daddy does?"
E grins a little, sticks outs her tongue, and proceeds to make potty noises with her mouth...and then starts laughing hysterically.
I'm not sure if there has ever been a better commentary on life at our house. :)
Sassiness
I guess I knew I had it coming. In fact, the overwhelming majority of the people that I confide in these days have one response: "Well, I wonder where she got that from, hmmm?" (insert dripping sarcasm)
I will absolutely admit to a certain amount of pride over my daughter's behavior in the past. She is (by nature) full of joy and laughter, attractive, very healthy, a great eater, a great sleeper - and though I can take credit for absolutely none of these things, I have still stood back and beamed with pride as others have taken notice of some of these things about her as well.
And, because of my background and training in behavior modification, I have also managed to stay pretty much a few steps ahead of her on the battlefield up to this point.
And then she turned 3.
Friends warned us. Parents warned us. Authors of well-respected books warned us. Our pediatrician even warned us. And as we received these warnings, I - of course - nodded my head and smiled, seemingly understanding and accepting all they were saying; but secretly rebelling in my head: What - my child? Do you even know E? Don't you know that I have had extensive training in behavioral therapy? And she even has a very involved and authoritative father - doesn't that make such a huge difference?
It's a really good thing that I have developed a filter for my thoughts and chose to keep those particular ones to myself. Because today I am eating my words. For breakfast, lunch, dinner and a few snacks in between.
Being a parent these days is so hard. Instant gratification permeates our world. Children are valued in theory but not in practice, leading to a LOT of judgment passed on parents who are just trying to figure it all out, and I've been on both sides of the coin - finding myself passing judgment in one moment and then hiding from it in the very next.
I am so thankful to authors such as Leslie Leyland Fields, Dr. Tedd Tripp, Dr. Voddie Baucham, and many others, including some incredible friends, who are in the trenches of raising children in the Lord - not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. And by walking the walk, I mean exposing their strengths and their weaknesses, their successes and their failures, the results of their reliance on God's strength and the results of their reliance on their own strength.
Waking up to a 3-year-old who is beginning to test drive sassy little come-backs to my directives such as, "You know better than that, Mommy" and "I don't like you right now" and even just the simple, silent, willful, direct disobedience has been a little derailing lately, to be honest. At times, I've simply been so overwhelmed and bewildered at her blatant disobedience that I've had to take my own little "time-out" just to regroup and decide what to do next. Its confusing how I can love her more today than I ever have before and yet at the same time lack so much confidence in whether I am actually demonstrating that love to her as well today as I was yesterday. Love includes discipline, restraint, boundaries, in addition to the physical affection, quality time, words of affirmation and all the other things that had been in my parenting bag of tricks. When to hug and affirm and forgive? When to discipline, say no to something, withhold? When to discuss the issue? When to resolve?
Thankfully, I am not without a Guide in this process. God - our Father - has not only given us pages and pages full of how to demonstrate His love to our children, but He has actually gone before us and done it. And He has placed within me the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me each and every moment. And given us Jesus, who paid the price for our shortcomings, our sins. Every time I fail at this thing called parenting, all I have to do is run straight for the forgiveness that has already been purchased for me through Jesus' death on the cross.
This past week in church our pastor preached for almost an hour on four verses. Something of the norm, I might add. ;) Anyhow, one of the verses he talked for a while on was Revelation 2:9, "I know your tribulation and your poverty (but you are rich)." He was talking to the church in Smyrna, a group of Christians that were facing a LOT of persecution for their claim to Christ. But as our pastor discussed the many expositions and implications of this verse, I began to see a lot of parallels in how I view my own life. There are so many areas I see of tribulation and poverty (parenting has been climbing to the top of this list very quickly as of late), but in all these things - in all actuality - I am rich! I have God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and Savior, and the Holy Spirit living and active within me. I have the promise of eternity with Jesus. I have all the power given to Jesus and more. I have all these things, which certainly adds up to a LOT more than my "bag of tricks," and it's time I start relying more on these things than on my own abilities and start parenting out of my richness in Christ instead of out of my poverty as a human. And I think maybe - just maybe - the humility brought on by the newly-found sassiness of my little lady has afforded me an opportunity to come, on my knees, for a fresh start again.
"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." ~Mark 10:15
I will absolutely admit to a certain amount of pride over my daughter's behavior in the past. She is (by nature) full of joy and laughter, attractive, very healthy, a great eater, a great sleeper - and though I can take credit for absolutely none of these things, I have still stood back and beamed with pride as others have taken notice of some of these things about her as well.
And, because of my background and training in behavior modification, I have also managed to stay pretty much a few steps ahead of her on the battlefield up to this point.
And then she turned 3.
Friends warned us. Parents warned us. Authors of well-respected books warned us. Our pediatrician even warned us. And as we received these warnings, I - of course - nodded my head and smiled, seemingly understanding and accepting all they were saying; but secretly rebelling in my head: What - my child? Do you even know E? Don't you know that I have had extensive training in behavioral therapy? And she even has a very involved and authoritative father - doesn't that make such a huge difference?
It's a really good thing that I have developed a filter for my thoughts and chose to keep those particular ones to myself. Because today I am eating my words. For breakfast, lunch, dinner and a few snacks in between.
Being a parent these days is so hard. Instant gratification permeates our world. Children are valued in theory but not in practice, leading to a LOT of judgment passed on parents who are just trying to figure it all out, and I've been on both sides of the coin - finding myself passing judgment in one moment and then hiding from it in the very next.
I am so thankful to authors such as Leslie Leyland Fields, Dr. Tedd Tripp, Dr. Voddie Baucham, and many others, including some incredible friends, who are in the trenches of raising children in the Lord - not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. And by walking the walk, I mean exposing their strengths and their weaknesses, their successes and their failures, the results of their reliance on God's strength and the results of their reliance on their own strength.
Waking up to a 3-year-old who is beginning to test drive sassy little come-backs to my directives such as, "You know better than that, Mommy" and "I don't like you right now" and even just the simple, silent, willful, direct disobedience has been a little derailing lately, to be honest. At times, I've simply been so overwhelmed and bewildered at her blatant disobedience that I've had to take my own little "time-out" just to regroup and decide what to do next. Its confusing how I can love her more today than I ever have before and yet at the same time lack so much confidence in whether I am actually demonstrating that love to her as well today as I was yesterday. Love includes discipline, restraint, boundaries, in addition to the physical affection, quality time, words of affirmation and all the other things that had been in my parenting bag of tricks. When to hug and affirm and forgive? When to discipline, say no to something, withhold? When to discuss the issue? When to resolve?
Thankfully, I am not without a Guide in this process. God - our Father - has not only given us pages and pages full of how to demonstrate His love to our children, but He has actually gone before us and done it. And He has placed within me the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me each and every moment. And given us Jesus, who paid the price for our shortcomings, our sins. Every time I fail at this thing called parenting, all I have to do is run straight for the forgiveness that has already been purchased for me through Jesus' death on the cross.
This past week in church our pastor preached for almost an hour on four verses. Something of the norm, I might add. ;) Anyhow, one of the verses he talked for a while on was Revelation 2:9, "I know your tribulation and your poverty (but you are rich)." He was talking to the church in Smyrna, a group of Christians that were facing a LOT of persecution for their claim to Christ. But as our pastor discussed the many expositions and implications of this verse, I began to see a lot of parallels in how I view my own life. There are so many areas I see of tribulation and poverty (parenting has been climbing to the top of this list very quickly as of late), but in all these things - in all actuality - I am rich! I have God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and Savior, and the Holy Spirit living and active within me. I have the promise of eternity with Jesus. I have all the power given to Jesus and more. I have all these things, which certainly adds up to a LOT more than my "bag of tricks," and it's time I start relying more on these things than on my own abilities and start parenting out of my richness in Christ instead of out of my poverty as a human. And I think maybe - just maybe - the humility brought on by the newly-found sassiness of my little lady has afforded me an opportunity to come, on my knees, for a fresh start again.
"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." ~Mark 10:15
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