The Tsunami in the Distance

The past few days have presented one of life's greatest storms for L and I up to this point. Our Sovereign God, who has numbered each of our days, decided to number our growing baby's days quite a bit shorter than we had anticipated. I feel as though I've lived a hundred years in the past three days, making decisions that I never even dreamed would be necessary. Throughout every moment, though, God has weaved his cord of everlasting life and gracious providence through the Water of the Word, answering prayers of the body of Christ as they have gone before Him interceding on our behalf, and overwhelming us with His great love, His faithfulness, and His mercy. In the best days of my life, I have never felt His presence nearer than I have in the past 24 hours. Oh how He loves us!

Day 1 - Wednesday, Nov 17th
After switching care providers three times (long story), I went in for my first  prenatal visit with my new OB. Because this was really my third OB visit for this pregnancy so far, I had already had bloodwork and exams (visit #1 - 8 weeks) and then more bloodwork and an ultrasound showing the strong heartbeat and developing little baby (visit #2 - 10 weeks). On visit #3 - 14 weeks, then, I was hoping to hear the heartbeat by doppler, talk a bit with the doctor, and schedule my 4th visit which would be around week 20, just in time to find out the sex before Christmas.

After having trouble determining a heartbeat by doppler, my doctor put me in line for an ultrasound. I texted a few people to ask for prayers, but was truthfully only a little anxious - we had a tough time finding E's heartbeat before week 20 as well, so this felt a little normal based on my previous experiences.

The ultrasound tech came quickly, taking me back to the room, reassuring me that many times it's hard to find a heartbeat in these early weeks. I hopped up on the table, she pulled out her magic wand, and as soon as she touched my belly, our sweet baby appeared right there on the screen, just as perfect as I imagined he would look. She took a quick picture of the screen, put the wand down, and then started looking around for a different wand. And then she left. While she was gone, I started studying the picture on the screen. Some things became apparent, such as the fact that the baby was measuring about 5 days behind - not extremely significant if this was my first ultrasound, but especially significant considering my first u/s had shown development right on schedule. When she returned with my doctor, it didn't take long to find out why. The sound that every mom waits to hear - the thundering horses that reassures your hopes and calms your fears - was never heard. Further scans showed no blow flow throughout the baby, and most significantly, no blood flow to the heart. There are truly no words to describe that moment. I would imagine it's a little like staring at a tsunami far off in the ocean, heading your direction, promising certain disaster but not knowing to what degree that disaster will affect you.

I called my husband. I called my mom. I called work. Texts started to flow with messages of love and concern. I went home, and L came home to meet me. We cried, we talked, we laughed, we prayed. I explained more details from the morning and we began to make a few decisions that would create a tentative timeline for the next few days. We had lunch, rested for a bit while we continued to share the news with family and friends, then went to pick up E from the sitter's house. Our emotions fluctuated throughout the evening, feeling God's presence through our joys and tears. I enjoyed and appreciated my time with E that night in ways I never had before. Sleep was evasive, but we endured the night.

Day 2 coming soon...