My Man

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  ~Ephesians 5:25-32


I think I've alluded before to the fact that the first year of marriage was INCREDIBLY difficult for L and I. I came into marriage with a load of expectations that I dumped on him the moment he said, "I do." I had expectations for how he would dress, how he would act, how he would lead, the things that he would consider important, the way he would romance me...you name it, I had a PLAN. And so for almost one straight year, I spent a great deal of time frustrated that he was not living up to the expectations I thought he had promised at the alter he would fulfill. Add to the frustration the fact that I had pretty poor conflict resolution skills, and you get a total MESS and a good picture of what life was like for a large portion of the first year.

Thankfully, God has relentlessly pursued mine and my husband's hearts, and over the past six years, we have learned (by walking through the fire) how to love and respect and submit to one another - not perfectly by any means! But we are certainly in a healthier place today than we were back then. I am still so full of sinful flesh patterns, but God is teaching me day by day how to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. I have learned (over time) that GOD is the one who changes my husband's heart and actions - not me! And that when God does effect change, it is because it pleases God and honors God to do so...not because I should be the end-all, be-all recipient of L's changed life. 


When L and I first got married, I used to hold the verse above up to him as challenge - "See this? See what you're supposed to be/do/say/act like? See how you're supposed to be leading me? See all this responsibility you have before God for our marriage?" Instead of God's Word being used to offer life and grace and mercy, I was using it to crush his spirit and bring condemnation in so many ways. It's hard to confess and sad to say, but its true.

Today, though, because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in our marriage, I cannot read these words above without singing praises to my Savior for the man he gave me to live out my life with on this earth. What a testimony to the lovingkindness and favor of our God that He has brought us through fire and ice to a place where I truly believe that my husband embodies the call given to him in Ephesians 5 (and in case you read it any other way, let me be clear: God has changed MY heart and MY attitudes, so that my belief in my husband's integrity is not dependent on my husband...the source of my belief is in a God who has never failed in His goodness to me). A place where - when given the opportunity to believe the worst or the best about his motives or intentions - I can easily and freely choose to believe the best (because of God's great grace!). A place where - when Satan tempts me to list all of the things that he does that frustrate me - I can quickly and easily recall the list of things that he does to honor me and cherish me and love me (which is, by the way - the best advice my mom has ever given me and was instrumental in changing my attitude and expectations toward my husband).

I am SO excited about where the Lord is leading our marriage and for the plans He has for us. If God can take the awful mess of our first year and transform it into the marriage we have today (which is SO not perfect AT ALL, but is full of life and love and satisfaction in each other and free of so many of the expectations that I brought to the alter), I have no doubt He can do it for anyone else. And I have no doubts that He will continue to transform these areas and other areas of our lives into His image and us into a vessel that seeks to bring Him glory in all things. Praise be to God!

Relationships are more important than being right.

This is one of those things that I wrestle with God about every once in a while. I don’t mean for that to sound trite – He is a Holy God, and I believe we owe Him instant submission to His perfect will in every situation. I believe that…but I do not always give Him that (and I am so thankful for His unending grace for me).

So I absolutely admit that my “wrestling” is also disobedience (and while I’m at it, I might as well admit that it happens more than “every once in a while”). God gave me a brain that seeks security in logic, in the letter of the law, in what I see as just and right. And just like all good gifts from Father, Satan is quick to twist what is meant for God’s glory into a temptation to believe that I actually know better than my omniscient God. When the Spirit calls me to let go of being right in and instead walk in obedience to Him, I have this moment where I feel like a 3-year-old in my heart. But…God! What that person did was wrong! My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways. But…God! I have forgiven them before, only to be betrayed again! Are you saying that I should just forgive and trust them again without any repercussions? Forgive others, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you. Seventy times seven, J. But…God! What if it happens again? Place your hope in me. I am always faithful. I am always true. But…God! It did not honor you, and they should be punished for that. I am the only just King, Who sits on the Throne. I have chosen to forgive you over and over again, J. Who are you to decide who deserves the shed blood of my one and only Son?

And you get the picture. I am a finite human being with a very limited understanding of justice that is only further skewed by the ugly sin that entangles me. No way could I ever be more “right” than God. And he’s doing some pretty tough chiseling on my square brain when it comes to relationships: believing in others, trusting others, living in unity with those around me, even when it hurts a little. But that is the model that Jesus set for us here on earth: growing in favor with God and with man. Living peaceably with others. Forgiving sins that were in direct conflict with scriptural law. I feel like such a Pharisee when I realize how much of His life He devoted to relationships with others, and compare that to how much I live my life making sure that I’m abiding by the law.

“One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as "those evil people" or "those poor people who need our help." Nor must we search for signs of "loveworthiness." Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.” (What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey)

Being Real is Scary

This vulnerability thing really is a tough one for me. I'm always surprised when someone opens up and shares something precious to them with me - I don't have incredible social skills, so I've always wondered what happened to get us to a place where they felt like they could trust me with such valuable information. But I listen. I pray. I try very hard to let God do the judging and the correcting and the teaching, and I simply take in. I pray again that they don't ask for my advice - my social skills don't usually let me move quickly enough to be able to offer something of value. I'm a processor, not a reactor. I don't take sides quickly because honestly it takes me a while to even figure out what the game is and decide if I should be in it or on the sidelines.

I've sat down at the computer what seems like a million times over the past couple of weeks to write down some of the thoughts swirling through my brain. I've got a lot that I really want to capture in writing - a lot about life, a lot about lessons I'm learning, a lot about some great people that I'm learning valuable lessons from, a lot about this incredible family that God has blessed me with. But every time I sit down, my hands freeze on the keypad. As much as I want to say what is going on in this brain of mine, I'll admit that sometimes I'm just a little terrified that there's a person out there reading my words as if I'm something other than a sinner saved by grace. I get nervous when I look back over my older posts and realize I've said something that could've been taken offensively or made a side comment that might not have represented Jesus the way that I mean to. I hate that one phrase or even one word could be held against me forever simply because I decided to write it down. It's vulnerable. It's scary. It's something that my flesh has been fighting against for a while now.

It's easy most days to write about E. She's young, mostly innocent of wrong, and her life is filled with joy on most occasions. But parenting is not my highest calling - loving God with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength is. It's easy to get confused sometimes and start working out my salvation on my own terms by doing the things that come most natural to me. What comes natural is different for everybody, but for me, parenting seems to come pretty naturally at this stage of life. It's tempting to throw all of my effort and energy into the task of being a mom, and I'll be honest - really rewarding on most days. It's harder to serve a God that I can't pin down and isn't controlled by my behavioral psychology - I must submit to HIS ways and trust HIS goodness, even when I can't explain it in any tangible or logical way. (Side note: If I served a God I could control in any way, He would be inferior to my power; therefore NOT A GOD. Just sayin'.)

So I've been asking myself this question...why do I write if it is so scary? Why am I compelled to put my thoughts into words even though I hold my breath every time I press the "post" button? Is it because I want to capture moments of life that I don't want to ever forget? Is it for the benefit of future generations? Is it for the family members that live too far away to see E regularly?

Yes........but ultimately, no. I write because God tells me to. In the end, I am accountable to Him and Him Alone. He is the One who knows and is able to judge the intentions of my heart with every word I write. I hope that one day future generations will be able to look back and see a great grandmother's life lived out before her True King, but even if they do not, I am here now - doing this one thing in obedience to my Savior and God. My ultimate hope is to glorify Him through the words that I write. If I take a social misstep here or there, well - that is all definitely easy for this gal to do now and again. I hold to these words as a reminder of my God who will forever have His mighty grip on me:

"I am glad He is God... and I am not.
He knows... when I do not know.
He is able... when I am not able.
He does it... when I can't do it.
He loves when I do not even know where to begin... and keeps on loving even when I fall short."

Soli deo gloria!!

What Do Eggs Have To Do With Easter?

I've received quite a bit of flack for taking seriously my responsibility to inform my friends, family and co-workers that egg hunting has nothing to do with Jesus' resurrection. After all, I learned this very important lesson from my husband on no less than the Wal-mart Easter aisle during our last date night.

In support of my new-found soapbox, I found this card at Target:

When I stumbled upon this card, I almost had to sit down on the floor I was laughing so hard. I mean, seriously - this is some good satire.

I've thought a lot about the words "balance" and "traditions" when it comes to celebrating the good ol' Easter bunny. Sometimes I think we as Christians can justify being disobedient to that still small voice of Jesus by covering up our actions with words like these. Are traditions and balance inherently wrong? Of course not! But if God is calling our little family to swim upstream against the societal norm of ________ (fill-in-the-blank), then I have to trust that He is doing intentionally for our benefit; that He - in His infinite wisdom - has a very specific plan and purpose for our lives in which we need to not be accustomed to that luxury or lifestyle. This is not a "judgment" call - it's an obedience call (in other words - having much or having little is neither good nor bad - it's all about walking within the will of God and obeying Him with what He has given us). So often I fall into the trap of making decisions based on social norms and customs instead of based on His whispers. I did that when we purchased our first house, and now we're getting ready to sell it for most likely a substantial loss (sigh).

When God whispers to us - when He breathes a radical, countercultural idea into our souls - it is always for His glory and for our good. Though we may not understand why God has impressed upon us a particular lens through which we see the world (in this case for me: egg hunts), we have to trust that He has a good plan and a beautiful purpose, and hold on to the glorious revealing of His completed works one day.

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" -1 Kings 19:11-13 NIV

Shannon

In a former life, I was a therapist to one of my forever heroes. If you've ever worked one-on-one intentionally with a child, you understand that cell phones don't really mix in with therapy time. As in, you don't ever have a good moment to take a call or check a voicemail.

One night as I was cleaning up and writing notes after a late session, I picked my phone up off the counter to check for any important messages, and saw a text from my husband that accompanied several missed calls: "Call me now." Not good.

When I called, I had one of those "Top Five Conversations You Never Want to Have" moments, as I learned that he had been in a very serious car wreck and was on the way to the hospital - feeling physically okay considering the circumstances, but emotionally wrecked. As I talked with him, I rushed to put the last few things in place and left, trying to time my trip by the house to let the very-new puppy out just right so that I could meet him at the ER.

When I got to the ER, I learned several things. 1) My man WAS going to be okay (I needed to hold him to be able to know it). 2) Shannon - the girl who was driving the car and who pulled out in front of him, did not make it. Though the others (her friend and her two siblings) were all going to be physically okay, they had lost their sister and mom that day. She was quite young, and nobody was ready to let go of her. For the next few weeks, we struggled with a lot of emotions that we had never faced before. Sometimes L would break down and cry during the middle of doing things that he knew Shannon would never be able to do again or never be able to experience. Satan tried to attack his mind a lot, and I watched vigilantly for signs of depression. Sometimes I felt closer to him than I'd ever felt before, and sometimes there were miles of nothingness between us. It was a defining moment for us, to be sure.

Because the accident happened on a road that we travel fairly frequently, we always notice the little white cross that stands in memory of her at that intersection. When we pass it, I pray and wonder where her family and that friend are right then. I wonder if they are doing okay. I wonder how they remember that day. I wonder about the path that God has them on and why that moment was necessary and purposeful for Him to be able to carry out His Will in their lives and in our lives.

And so, on this day this year and for every year, we remember Shannon. We pray for her loved ones and for their continued comfort and God's continued faithfulness and nearness to them. We trust His Sovereignty. We acknowledge His power over life and death. We believe that He means all things for our good and His glory. We are thankful for His protection over our earthly lives and hopeful for a glorious revelation of His perfect mind one day - a moment where the veil is lifted and we finally "get it." And we wait with anticipation for the day when we embrace Shannon and celebrate Jesus together.

There will be a day with no more tears,

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

-Jeremy Camp

When I Think I Get It...But I Really Don't

E has been wonderfully independent lately. Learning LOTS. ABOUT. BOUNDARIES.

Namely: What does it really mean when mommy says it's time to go to bed?

Part of the problem I know is me. She doesn't just come out of her room, she sleeks around the corner, left eyeball first, with a Grinch grin that causes me to erupt in giggles every time. After she and I have a moment of fun, daddy swoops in to return her to the bed. I know. This isn't teaching her to stay in bed. I know. Like I said, part of the problem is ME.

Last night, though, she was in rare form. Usually, after the first - maybe second time - of getting up, she retires. Not last night. After she'd gotten up to bring me shoes, to bring me an umbrella (?!?), to ask for water, she was up yet again. Each time, per my instructions, she returned to her room. On the third time, I gave her a final instruction, "E, if mommy has to get up to help you back in bed, I am going to spank you."

So...on the fourth time...I had to follow through. I followed her back to bed. I stopped her before she climbed into bed and got down on her level. "E, do you remember that mommy said if I had to help you back in bed, I would spank you?" And with the most spirited little voice, E replied, "M-hm!" After one small spank and a few tears while we hugged, E pushed back from me and said, "All better," then climbed into bed and kissed me goodnight. And stayed there.

I was proud of myself. I thought, "Wow! She really got it!" Then we came home tonight and she got up FIVE times before we repeated the procedure (though she wasn't as enthusiastic about remembering my instruction this time). Afterwards, I closed the door to her room so that in case she wasn't quite done leaving the bed...at least she would stay in her room. And not even five minutes later, she was banging on the door.

As I thought back over all of this, I am reminded so much of my own personality. I have a really hard time when God tells me, "No" or when he doesn't allow me to go somewhere or do something that I want to do. Sometimes I think I "get it" when it comes to what God would have for me, but in reality I am way off the mark. Sometimes when I am begging God for answers, it may seem as though he is ignoring me when in fact he is standing right on the other side of the door knowing that the best place for me to be is "in my room" for that moment.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

-Matthew 7:11

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

-1 Peter 5:6

The Honest Truth

I've been gone from the blogger world for a while. Since Thanksgiving to be exact.

Part of it (a small part of it, if I'm honest) is that I've just been BUSY. Too busy. But that's a story for another day. Another part of it (most of it, really) is that I've been wrestling with God on some pretty deep relational stuff. Stuff that's affected the core of who I am. Stuff that has made me question who He has made me to be, who He wants me to be, and the path He has me on at this exact moment. My incredible husband has been with me every step of the way, even when I went for about a week straight acting like a complete and total jerk to him every chance I had. It's difficult to write about something that turns your world upside down when you're still trying to figure out how to get everything right-side up again.

Hence...the sabbatical. Trust me, you didn't want to hear my thoughts anyway. Just ask my husband - he only got the tip of the iceberg, but I think it was more than enough for him. I remember repeating over and over again in my head the words I remember my mom telling me as a kid, "J, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." There's wisdom in that warning, you know.

The first time I felt like writing (and talking nicely) again was Friday, December 11th. Since then, I truly have been so busy with preparing for the inauguration of Santa and our family Christmases that I have fallen, nearly-comatose, into bed each night. Tonight, even though it's well past midnight, I felt driven to begin again, which was a feeling I decided not to ignore. Maybe tomorrow, I will be able to get to some pics from the past few weeks.

Though the break was nice, I am ready to be back and thankful that God has once again brought me through the fire and on to the other side, purified for His glory and equipped for His purpose. Onward!

Me and My Big Mouth

tact'ful-ness n.: 1. consideration in dealing with others and avoiding giving offence; 2. a gifting that I apparently lack

My husband (and my dad, for that matter) could look directly into another persons eyes and tell them they were the meanest person with the most rotten attitude and uneven ears and they would tear up, hug them and thank them for being so awesomely genuine and loving them as a person. It's an unbelievably wonderful gift...that I do not have.

Now, seriously, they would never say exactly those things, but God has truly given these men of my life a way with the spoken word. In the face of an opportunity to share what's on my heart, I find myself often making excuses before the burning bush just like Moses once did, "But...um, God? Don't you remember that I don't speak well at all?"

So it happened again tonight - one of those "Moses Moments." I opened my mouth at the wrong time in the wrong place and apparently said the wrong words. Three strikes and I'm out. I totally offended a friend of mine (unbeknownst to me at the time), and I'm praying tonight for grace to cover my multitude of sins and wisdom to figure out where to go from here. One thing's for sure: this handicap of mine definitely forces humility on me (and makes me ever-so-thankful for my incredible husband).

And...as if humility weren't enough, God so graciously provided some conviction as well (this was waiting for me when I got home tonight as part of my daily reading):

"A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. " James 3:3-6 (The Message)

Hope Does Not Disappoint

We live in a world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce, no matter what circles you run in. It's sad and it's frustrating to accept the reality that, unless you stick your head in the sand, you WILL be faced with marriages in crisis. And if you DO stick your head in the sand, you'd probably better be prepared to accept that it could be yours. (In other words, NO ONE is immune)

My husband and I, over the past year, have walked this road with THREE couples that we know. We have cried innumerable tears over the betrayal, the pain, the loss, and the depths of despair they have faced. We have begged God for mercy, we have begged God for fresh wind, we have begged God to change the things only He can control. I am especially burdened for a new friend of mine that is walking this road as I type, and I am praying these words over her as I plead with God to give her and her husband HOPE for a future that is greater than they could possibly imagine:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~Romans 5:3-5

He has been and continues to be an exceedingly good and gracious God to our friends. He has healed, he has restored, and he has strengthened marriages each and every time. What the Enemy has meant for destruction, He has purposed from the very beginning of time for their good and His Glory, and it has been an unbelievable blessing to be able to watch God show off in our friend's lives in ways that can only be attributed to His Power and His Grace. I have no doubt that He will continue to be faithful, that He will continue to make His will known among His people, and that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts. I have hope that He will not disappoint us, because of His unfailing love.

What an INCREDIBLE God we are free to love and know and serve!


**On that note, I cannot say enough wonderful words about my friends at WinShape Retreat/WinShape Marriage. They believe in a Great and Mighty God who desires to see each and every marriage healed, restored, and transformed so that we - husbands and wives - can bear the image of the intimacy and perfect love Jesus will one day lavish perfectly upon His Bride. Every year, my husband and I spend a weekend at Retreat, sharing in the experience of what WinShape has to offer...it is a truly extraordinary place.

Mixing Rocks Into Soil

It's my birthday. E sang the birthday song to me no less than nine times, a frequent reminder of the blessing of sharing this special day with my family. My husband made breakfast, we all went on a hike (it was an unbelievably gorgeous day), we had lunch downtown, my parents took me out to dinner, I ate cake TWICE, received tons of birthday messages and some incredible news via Facebook, got several very sweet and thoughtful gifts from my friends and my hubby...all in all, a really great day.

Yet, all the above activities were accompanied by sadness - in a small way - as my husband packed, drove to the airport, and departed for a 10-day missions excursion to Cairo, Egypt. As I write, he is on a plane crossing the Atlantic.

I am praying and praying that I will not miss out on the purposes God has for me during this time of physical separation from my husband. I know He is doing a work in my heart, and that this small part of the journey is important for Him to grow in me a deeper desire for and joy in Him alone, an opportunity for me to send my roots down deeper into the fertile soil of Life in Him.

As I pondered these things tonight, I was reminded of an illustration that the Bible alludes to several times in regards to the grapevine. If you ever spend some time with a good vintner, you will notice that, in some cases, he or she will plant rocks among the soil where a grapevine grows, in order to force the vine to run its roots deep into the ground, where it will be able to find the most nutrients and a more stable supply of water. Likewise, God plants "rocks" into the soil of our lives to stretch us, to grow us, to cause us to run our roots deeper and deeper into the wealth of His Being, where we will find the Living Water - the only Water that can truly heal and sustain our lives. What a loving God - who knows exactly how to tend to our souls and cultivate the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts, even when it is tough and sometimes hurtful in the process.

This is the kind of God that I want to get to know more during these next ten days. The kind of God who knows me so intimately that I can be sure He has purposed these days long before I was even born. The kind of God who is - I am certain - on the edge of His seat as He looks in anticipation at the new things I will discover about Him as I learn how to lean on His grace and His mercy over the next week. The only God who could, would, and will ever look at me and see nothing but righteousness and the glory of His Son over me, and because of that, love me fiercely and fight for me tirelessly.

---------------------------------

Some sweet memories from today:

My AWESOME birthday present from my rockin' husband

Playing with Indiana at the Reservoir

SHAKE!!!

L leaving for Cairo

Part of L's Cairo Team (minus E) :)

The First Year

Whenever my husband or I tell our story to another couple, we always reminisce about the first year - so far, the hardest year of our marriage.

There wasn't much of a "honeymoon phase" to our marriage. From day one, I had a load of expectations that I dumped on my husband, things that either my dad or other "great men" in my life had done for their wives. When he did the things that I expected him to do, I rarely thanked him (much less threw him a party), because those were the things that he was "supposed" to be doing, right? I remember several conversations that went to the tune of this:

L: "Hey babe, did you notice that I loaded the dishwasher for you?"

Me: "Um, yeah. Did you notice that I loaded it every day for the past eight days?"

I had really poor communication skills, and he wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I was working full-time, playing more or less the role of the "breadwinner" while he finished his senior year of college. I came from a traditional family; he had stepfamilies and half-brothers. In a group setting, he wants to make sure everybody's having a good time; in a group setting, I want to make sure everybody's doing what they are supposed to be doing.

We spent the three years building up to marriage finding out how similar we were, and the whole first year and a half of marriage finding out how different we were. It was quite a ride.

I wouldn't trade that year for anything. It was the worst year of our marriage, and yet prepared us for everything we've faced since that time. I love that our God knew what we needed, even when it felt like he was against us on all sides.

On the Road Again

Every year I say the same thing: "We are not going to be as busy this year as we were last year." Every year the same thing happens: We are as busy as (if not busier) than we were last year. It's a total conundrum. I feel like I am saying "no" to more things than I ever have. I feel like I am saying "yes" to things that really matter. I am trying to be sure that I make time for myself (and have consequently started working out again at 5:30am after about a month-long break). I am trying to give my husband the opportunity to go be a guy when he needs it as well. I am trying to make sure that we somehow squeeze in some quality time to be a family in the midst of all the other things I'm trying to do.

And it hit me this past week that between September 19th and December 31st, we are going to spend exactly ONE full weekend as a family in our own home. That is totally unacceptable, but unfortunately, our fault. We are cutting things left and right to be able to carve out these precious times that we will never get back. We are apologizing to people and backing out of commitments that we had previously made. It feels (sometimes) like I am a horrible friend to the people that I love because I am unable to commit to fun things like showers and birthday parties and hanging out on the weekends.

This weekend, E and I are going to watch her daddy play in an Ultimate Frisbee tournament for his first time ever. I am hoping for it to be some quality time with each other and with some great friends of ours. I am praying that God will grant us rest and rejuvenation in the midst of being on the road yet again for the fifth weekend in a row. I am also looking forward to recommitting to a year of even more intentionality in 2010, as my husband and I continue to evaluate our priorities and the "stuff" we are involved in!

Instant Gratification

We kick-started our Family Times tool today with a little note that I stuck in E's lunch bag. Like I said yesterday, I really have no expectations for how much she is going to glean from these things right now- the point for me is mostly to go ahead and begin habits that she grows into, and to not wait until she's already formed habits of her own that don't allow for opportunities to reflect on God's providence and provision for our lives.

But on the way home tonight from dinner, I heard these little words coming from the back seat,

"Mommy, I s-h-a-r-e with Bo. S-h-a-r-e. Special. Share with Bo. Sweet. Share, sweet."

And about halfway through agreeing with her that, yes, sharing with Bo was really sweet - it hit me. The note. Why didn't I start this the first day she was alive?!?!

Men Are From Mars

Yesterday was a tough day in our house. Through a long set of circumstances in which the details are irrelevant, I went to bed with the feeling that I was my husband's "second choice" that day - a feeling that topped off an otherwise already terrible day. During a long car ride together today, I opened up and tried to walk him through some choices that he made that I interpreted to mean that he was tired of hanging out with me and instead needed some "guy time" to kind of fill up.

I felt pretty dumb as I unpacked all of my insecurities in front of him. Though he probably knows me better than I even know myself, it still isn't all that fun to be gut-wrenchingly honest about my human insecurities. Worse still was the fact that all my assumptions were completely wrong. Once we started talking through it all, I soon found out that the choices that he made had nothing to do with how he felt about me and everything to do with the fact that he simply saw an opportunity to be a friend to one of his guys.

Oh, how different we women are from our men. And though it causes so much heartache sometimes, I always come back to something I read in a book by Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage) a few years ago - something that sparked a revolution in the early years of our marriage. His question, in fact the entire premise of the book is this: "What if God intended marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" Or, in other words, what if marriage was more about finding our pleasure in God than finding our pleasure in each other or ourselves?

And what if, by some miracle, I were actually able to take a step back during the middle of marital conflict and see that - from God's holy and righteous perspective - all this conflict is actually for my good? That I am suffering for the sake of God's ultimate purpose of cultivating love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control in my heart?

The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will receive a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:8-9, NIV)

A Seaman's Story

We spent some time on Monday morning with my husband's dad's dad (E's great-grandaddy Bost) and his wife, Jenny. When we went out for lunch, we somehow got on the topic of his history with the U.S. Navy during World War II, and I sat with a mouth open-wide as he told a story of how he - as an 18-year-old - not only survived a torpedo attack on the USS Donnell, a destroyer en route to Europe, but then also went on to join the forces in the attack on the beaches of Normandy.

At the time of the torpedo attack, he should have been asleep in his assigned bunk. Instead, he had traded bunks with another soldier that was on duty. If he had been in his assigned bunk, his life would have been taken along with the lives of the 29 other men that day. Instead, God had other plans.

He went back home after the war, back to his mom's house (who had signed a waiver for him to be able to join the Navy at the age of 17 at the time of the draft), back to his preacher to find out just why God had spared him his life that day. "I don't know why he chose to allow me to live that day," he said very candidly as we sat around the table.

Ohhhh...but I do Grandaddy Bost. I'm sure there's a million, but I've got living proof of one perfect little reason why God spared your life that day.

Productivity

Tonight was a working night at the house. For what seems like one of the first days in a while, the ground was finally dry enough to tackle mowing the lawn, and the weather cooperated to allow for some other outdoor chores as well. My rockin' husband picked up E, came home, mowed the lawn, cleaned out the gutters, swept off the roof, unloaded the dishwasher, washed the dog and helped with the laundry. I made dinner, staved off a starving child to "make it" until dinner, fed everybody, bathed E, cleaned up dinner, kept laundry moving, and swept floors throughout the house. I noticed about halfway through sweeping that E was being especially quiet and was playing really well with her toys in her room. I was proud of her. I was proud of myself for helping her to get to that point. I was a bit too proud.

For what she was really doing was pulling all of her clothes out of the drawers in her dresser and off the bottom rack of her closet and draping them all over her bedroom.

Hesistant Obedience

I was in a local store the other day doing some random shopping when I stumbled upon a winter jacket that I have been trying to find for the past two years. It was exactly what I had been looking for - thick, quilted coat with the faux fur removable hood, longer length, mocha brown color, ON SALE; it was perfect. One problem: I was out of budget money for clothing, for gifts, and for "me" purchases. There was really nothing left that I could use to spend on this item. I pulled it off the rack anyway and walked through the rest of the store with it in my buggy, thinking, "Maybe I'll just get the okay from God anyway, and then I can find a way to justify it with my husband."

No such luck. I finished with the rest of my shopping and returned to the same clothing rack with my jacket in hand. I tried it on - it was a perfect fit. I literally had a conversation with God in my head: "I can put it away and use it as a Christmas present, right?" "I need a jacket like this" "I've waited two years to find this jacket for less than $80 somewhere!" And on and on. At one point in time I put it in my buggy and walked on, deciding that I would just buy it anyway, certain that I wasn't hearing the Holy Spirit correctly, unbelieving that He could be telling me to walk away from the steal of the century on a jacket I'd wanted for years. I got up to the checkout counter, loaded all my items on the belt, then of course had to walk all the way back to the back of the store to hang that stupid jacket back up, because I chickened out in the end. I mean, really - did I actually think I was going to be able to walk out of that store in complete rebellion against God who saved my soul from eternal death...over a $80 jacket?!?!

I flipped open my Bible tonight to Hebrews 12 and then remembered something that Matt Chandler said last week at Catalyst: "Every bit of hesitancy in obedience is a beckoning of God to go deeper." I think the other day maybe it had nothing to do with that jacket; maybe it was a test from God to see if I was willing to go a little deeper with Him. Praise His graciousness - in that moment, I chose Him. And it's bittersweet - there's a small, self-loving part of me that still wants that stinkin' jacket. But I want Him more. And my heart rings with the fact that my actions (for that one brief moment in time) matched my heart's cry: to choose Him above all else.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's amazing how quickly I can go from a loving, gracious mommy to a short-tempered, legalistic dictator. Ugh. It's kind of depressing, actually.

I got a phone call from a rather antagonistic person yesterday that, frankly, left me flustered and angry. Hours later, it was obviously still brewing in my soul, and I found myself being very ungracious with E, even causing her to cry at one point of particular impatience.

Fast forward to tonight when I peeked into her room, 45 minutes past her bedtime, because she was still awake and talking. When I creeped up close to her bedside to see what was going on, she opened her eyes, looked at me sideways out of the corner of them, and started giggling. We laughed hysterically for the next five minutes.

Reflecting on my bipolar interactions with her over the past 24 hours reminds me of something Louie Giglio said last week, something that keeps coming back up for me. He gave the illustration of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the fact that after the crowd yells, "Move That Bus!!," the first thing that camera focuses on is not the house - the thing that the whole show has been apparently building up to - but the family's faces. Even though you're not able to see the actual house at first, you get excited because you see the house on the faces of the family members who are beholding it. Their thrill at the joy of this new house increases your desire to view it, tour it, analyze it, feel it.

When I am bothered by and focused on a cruddy conversation with a mean person, I reflect that in my face to E. She responds with tears, and rightfully so - what I am reflecting to her is anxiety and anger. When I tiptoed into her room tonight and was surprised by the joy and innocence of the precious gift God has given to me, I reflected that in my face back to E, and we laughed until we cried. What a reminder to me of how much my face affects those around me.

Jesus, when You said that we are to be a light to those around us, I think I'm realizing that what you meant is that we are to reflect the Light from its original source: You. When I spend time in the world, I begin to reflect the things of this world to those around me, things that are broken and shallow and hurtful. Draw me into You and lift my head up to Your Face, that I may see Your goodness and dwell in Your House. Restore my soul that I may shine Your Light to those around me. May my face reflect Your Glory, Lord, that those who see my face may be drawn toward the One who has set my feet to dancing and set my heart on fire!

The Most Surprising Speaker

Though they are undoubtably spiritual giants of the faith, it is (just being honest, here) difficult to listen to the Billy Grahams, the R.C. Sprouls, the James Dobsons of this world sometimes. Their rhetoric, their vocabulary, and their rich history of faith sometimes creates as much of a moat as it does a bridge.

Each year, Catalyst gives out a Lifetime Achievement Award, and this year that award went to Chuck Swindoll. I was excited to link arms with this man of faith from an entirely different generation, but also not as excited as I was to hear from someone like Andy Stanley or Rob Bell.

But I was surprised by the depth of this man. Humble, articulate, funny, perceptive, personal, real, and - most shocking - very current. I'll bet he even knows how to Twitter. :)

One of the first things he said has surfaced to the top of all that I've learned from the past two days: "When God wants to do an impossible task, he takes an impossible person and crushes him." (Alan Redpath) What Chuck Swindoll went on to say to leaders, to parents, to ministers, to laypersons, to the successful, and to the famed is this: "I am so proud of you and all you are accomplishing and all you are doing. It is wonderful for you to be experiencing this kind of success, and this obvious blessing by God in your life. I just want to stand here before you today and remind you to leave room in you life for the crushing, for that is where God will do His best work in your heart."

And when thinking tonight about God's purposes for trials in my life, I was led to this:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

It's so awesome when God allows seasons of joy and blessing in our life, where we are able to sit under His wings and be reminded of our Jehovah Jireh. But on the flip side of the coin is a God that allows heartache, distress, floods, abandonment, hurt, death, destruction, and grief all for the purpose of cultivating in us a heart more like that of our Savior Jesus Christ - a heart that is focused on His Co-mission: Loving God and Loving others the way He teaches us to during those trials.

Catalyst 2009

L and I are in Atlanta for Catalyst 2009. My head and heart are swimming with the refreshing, reenergizing, motivating, humbling, incredible Truth being proclaimed about what God has to say in regards to being a part of His plan here on planet Earth.

Tonight was an awesome time of being reminded by Aaron Keys and Francis Chan Who Jesus is and what He has done for me. The takeaway from tonight has definitely been the reminder that the Enemy will do whatever he can to make Jesus unappealing to those who are looking in on my life wondering why I subscribe to the whole "Christianity" thing. Satan is in the business of filling my mind and my life with enough stress and anxiety and stuff to cover up the joy and grace I should be constantly feeling in the embrace of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 5:8). Instead, Jesus is calling me to come boldly, yet humbly, before His Throne, giving Him everything that loads me up and weighs me down, trusting Him - in the right time - to give me ALL grace, to restore me, to confirm me, to strengthen me, and to establish me (1 Peter 5:6-7,10-11).

What an incredible promise to rest in tonight!!