Our Chance

I am so in love with my husband. God is doing some pretty incredible things in his life right now, shaping him into a man I could never have even dreamed of, both spiritually and physically (shameless plug for our new CrossFitting life).

I haven't been privy to much conversation with him lately, since both of us have been plowing through the craziness of June. But one conversation we did have has been rocking my thoughts. His insight into one of the most pervasive questions of Christian Theology just floored me. He probably learned it from his Perspectives class (another shameless plug), but the fact that he didn't just hear it but also digested it and then turned around and articulated it to a fellow believer struggling with the authenticity of the gospel and our God just floors me. I love him.

The conversation he had centered around a pretty hot topic thanks to our friend, Mr. Bell: How is it fair that anyone who doesn't accept God within their lifetime on earth doesn't get to go to heaven? What about those people who didn't have a real chance at understanding who God is? And friends, it IS a valid question, and one that is answered in Genesis 3.

Here's the scene: Adam and Eve hanging out in the garden. Unhindered communication and communion with God. Stop. Say that again. Unhindered communication and communion with God. Some days I wonder what that must have been like for Eve. See, I don't really have any issue with whether or not God is who He says He is in a cerebral sense. It's the relational aspect of God that I get tangled up with. Talking to someone I can't see (I hate even just talking on the phone). Listening for someone that isn't physically present (just ask my husband sometime about my listening skills - if he's honest, he'll tell you they are better than they used to be...). Letting down my guard. Relationally I struggle with God sometimes. So to think of Adam and Eve and imagine that they could SEE God, that they could talk with God FACE to FACE, that they were shameless enough to stand naked before God each and every day. That's just crazy talk to me.

And then enter the serpent who offers Eve the ONE forbidden thing in the entire garden. Remember - Eve has no "fall-back" for why she chose the apple. It's not that she didn't know what was right - the serpent himself even reiterated what God had instructed in regards to that tree. It's not that she couldn't hear God's voice or wasn't sure what he was saying to her - she had unhindered communication with him. It's not that God was absent that day - she had unhindered communion with him (and the scene takes place in GOD's garden). It's not that she didn't understand why God didn't want her to eat that fruit (though apparently, "you will surely die" is not a good enough warning - anyone with a teenager can tell you that much I guess). Then what's the problem? Why in the world did she eat the stinkin' fruit???

The answer to that question reveals why every excuse for every person in the whole world who doesn't choose Jesus is really just that...an excuse. Because if Eve - who was a perfect human being, formed by the very hands of God himself, with a perfect husband, a perfect place to live, perfect things to eat, a perfect body (I'm just guessing here, but it follows the logic), perfect understanding of God - if PERFECT Eve chose in even one small moment to disobey God, who am I (or anyone else) to think that I have even one small shot at getting it right enough my whole life in order to gain admittance to heaven? See, Eve (and Adam) demonstrated what EVERY person will choose for themselves in the midst of temptation, regardless of the circumstances. And when Eve (and Adam) chose "death" in the garden that day, they chose it for us all. We are born into the choice that they made. And yet the mercy of God through the love of Christ bore that punishment for us on a cross and made a way for us to one day experience that unhindered communion and communication with God in heaven, if we choose to believe in the redemptive story.

And if none of that made sense to you, Mitch Jolly says it better here (listen to Revelation 11:15-19) and here (notes to follow along with it). :) (But I think my husband did a pretty darn good job, if I say so myself).

My Man

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  ~Ephesians 5:25-32


I think I've alluded before to the fact that the first year of marriage was INCREDIBLY difficult for L and I. I came into marriage with a load of expectations that I dumped on him the moment he said, "I do." I had expectations for how he would dress, how he would act, how he would lead, the things that he would consider important, the way he would romance me...you name it, I had a PLAN. And so for almost one straight year, I spent a great deal of time frustrated that he was not living up to the expectations I thought he had promised at the alter he would fulfill. Add to the frustration the fact that I had pretty poor conflict resolution skills, and you get a total MESS and a good picture of what life was like for a large portion of the first year.

Thankfully, God has relentlessly pursued mine and my husband's hearts, and over the past six years, we have learned (by walking through the fire) how to love and respect and submit to one another - not perfectly by any means! But we are certainly in a healthier place today than we were back then. I am still so full of sinful flesh patterns, but God is teaching me day by day how to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. I have learned (over time) that GOD is the one who changes my husband's heart and actions - not me! And that when God does effect change, it is because it pleases God and honors God to do so...not because I should be the end-all, be-all recipient of L's changed life. 


When L and I first got married, I used to hold the verse above up to him as challenge - "See this? See what you're supposed to be/do/say/act like? See how you're supposed to be leading me? See all this responsibility you have before God for our marriage?" Instead of God's Word being used to offer life and grace and mercy, I was using it to crush his spirit and bring condemnation in so many ways. It's hard to confess and sad to say, but its true.

Today, though, because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in our marriage, I cannot read these words above without singing praises to my Savior for the man he gave me to live out my life with on this earth. What a testimony to the lovingkindness and favor of our God that He has brought us through fire and ice to a place where I truly believe that my husband embodies the call given to him in Ephesians 5 (and in case you read it any other way, let me be clear: God has changed MY heart and MY attitudes, so that my belief in my husband's integrity is not dependent on my husband...the source of my belief is in a God who has never failed in His goodness to me). A place where - when given the opportunity to believe the worst or the best about his motives or intentions - I can easily and freely choose to believe the best (because of God's great grace!). A place where - when Satan tempts me to list all of the things that he does that frustrate me - I can quickly and easily recall the list of things that he does to honor me and cherish me and love me (which is, by the way - the best advice my mom has ever given me and was instrumental in changing my attitude and expectations toward my husband).

I am SO excited about where the Lord is leading our marriage and for the plans He has for us. If God can take the awful mess of our first year and transform it into the marriage we have today (which is SO not perfect AT ALL, but is full of life and love and satisfaction in each other and free of so many of the expectations that I brought to the alter), I have no doubt He can do it for anyone else. And I have no doubts that He will continue to transform these areas and other areas of our lives into His image and us into a vessel that seeks to bring Him glory in all things. Praise be to God!

When conversations with God don't go as planned.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:

J?
I'm not listening.
J?
Not listening!
J?
God - I know you want to talk to me about my frustrations with my husband. And right now, I just want to stay mad at him forever. And if I talk to you, I know I won't be able to do that. So....as I said, I'm NOT listening. (So I turned the praise music up louder.......to hear Kari Jobe singing......and God laughing in the background)

At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart; yes, You've won my heart
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty 
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross

God?
Yes, J?
I'm ready to listen. It's just that I miss him, I wish he weren't gone so much. I wish I could be sure that he wanted to be here more. I wish...
You're not really ready to listen, are you?
Sorry. I'm ready.
J, you've been doing a lot of comparing lately. A lot of comparing the behavior you perceive in him to what you would wish it to be. A lot of comparing of how much he's giving into the "family" to what you've been giving. And he keeps coming up short in your mind...so you're frustrated, right?
Yes! So you see it too? Oh, I should've been listening to you sooner, God! You really do understand....
You're not listening, again.
Oh. 
As I was saying, you've been doing a lot of comparing...but you've not been doing the right comparing. You've been operating as though you are the righteous one, as though you are the one who has the power to forgive, as though you are the one in control. And, beloved - I love you dearly, but you are missing the point. 'No one is righteous, no, not one.' (Rom 3:10) That was the reason I had to send Jesus. Through Jesus, I have given you a severe mercy, a mercy that as a follower of Christ you are to extend to others. 'Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' (Col 3:12-13) Dear one, the only justification for comparison that you will find in the cross of Christ is in how much a reflection you are toward others of the great mercies you have found in Me. In how much you love others. In how willing you are to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No other comparisons can be made, for no one is worthy according to their own merit. 
Oh, God. Wow. I really screwed this one up, didn't I?
I love you, dear one. I have been working in his heart too. Go to him. Trust me. Honor me in your heart and in your words and I will go before and behind you. 'Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

Jehovah-jireh

Jehovah-jireh: The Lord Who provides; the Lord Who sees; the Lord Who will see to it that my every need is met; the One Who knows my need because He sees; the One Who is able to meet my need in just the right time as He did for Abraham; the One Who can meet it fully.


A few weeks back, our little family was over at our friends' house having dinner and spending some quality time together. E absolutely adores their kids, and follows them around like a little puppy...laughing at their silliness, playing with their toys, trying to do everything they do. They encourage us and offer wisdom to us as parents, and are living life fully to the glory of the Savior, so we gravitate toward spending our free evenings with them when we can. 


After finishing up dinner, C and I decided to make an ice cream run - one of our little "summertime" things. On the way out the door, I reminded E to finish her dinner so that she might be able to have some ice cream when we got back, and she trotted off to the kitchen.


Well, apparently at some point during our outing, E slipped out the back door of the house, wandered into the street where she was spotted and chased down by one of the neighbors, who - once he caught up to her - knocked on the front door and returned her safely to her daddy's arms. Though the whole episode could not have lasted more than five minutes, my heart aches to imagine the potential for danger in those brief moments.


Of course, all had been settled by the time C and I returned, but even the fact that I was absent for the entire situation brought an added measure of fear for having absolutely no control whatsoever of what had just happened. To say that L and I were shaken doesn't even begin to describe our emotions. We rode a pretty serious roller coaster for the next 24 hours, both trying to search out God's purpose for not only exposing E to such danger but also protecting her so miraculously - all within an extremely short amount of time. 


Though I believe I still have lessons to learn from this, here are a few things God has revealed to me so far: When I focus on my inadequacies as a parent that may have surely led to this event, I feel nothing but shame and helplessness. But when I focus on the amazing protection and providence of an Almighty Jehovah-jireh, I cannot deny His faithfulness, His enduring love, His amazing grace. I cannot help but praise a God who would see fit to meet me in my weakness and prove His strength. I cannot help but to humbly say Thank You for an act of mercy that was totally undeserved. And I cannot help but be reminded that above all of my plans, He is the One Who is in control. Focusing on myself leads to death and emotional devastation, but focusing on Him leads to life and hope in the One Who promises to "see to it that my every need is met."


"For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations." Psalm 100:5

Relationships are more important than being right.

This is one of those things that I wrestle with God about every once in a while. I don’t mean for that to sound trite – He is a Holy God, and I believe we owe Him instant submission to His perfect will in every situation. I believe that…but I do not always give Him that (and I am so thankful for His unending grace for me).

So I absolutely admit that my “wrestling” is also disobedience (and while I’m at it, I might as well admit that it happens more than “every once in a while”). God gave me a brain that seeks security in logic, in the letter of the law, in what I see as just and right. And just like all good gifts from Father, Satan is quick to twist what is meant for God’s glory into a temptation to believe that I actually know better than my omniscient God. When the Spirit calls me to let go of being right in and instead walk in obedience to Him, I have this moment where I feel like a 3-year-old in my heart. But…God! What that person did was wrong! My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways. But…God! I have forgiven them before, only to be betrayed again! Are you saying that I should just forgive and trust them again without any repercussions? Forgive others, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you. Seventy times seven, J. But…God! What if it happens again? Place your hope in me. I am always faithful. I am always true. But…God! It did not honor you, and they should be punished for that. I am the only just King, Who sits on the Throne. I have chosen to forgive you over and over again, J. Who are you to decide who deserves the shed blood of my one and only Son?

And you get the picture. I am a finite human being with a very limited understanding of justice that is only further skewed by the ugly sin that entangles me. No way could I ever be more “right” than God. And he’s doing some pretty tough chiseling on my square brain when it comes to relationships: believing in others, trusting others, living in unity with those around me, even when it hurts a little. But that is the model that Jesus set for us here on earth: growing in favor with God and with man. Living peaceably with others. Forgiving sins that were in direct conflict with scriptural law. I feel like such a Pharisee when I realize how much of His life He devoted to relationships with others, and compare that to how much I live my life making sure that I’m abiding by the law.

“One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as "those evil people" or "those poor people who need our help." Nor must we search for signs of "loveworthiness." Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.” (What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey)

An Answered Prayer

This post is dedicated to my friend, M, for being there for me in a BIG way today.

Tonight on the way home, I stopped by the grocery store to grab a few staples - milk, yogurt, etc. While there, my husband texted: he was in the mood for some ice cream. So when I'd gone through my list, I finished off my shopping in the frozen foods aisle.

As I made my decisions, a man walked up beside me and grabbed some ice cream as well, making an off-hand comment about whether or not I like Haagen Dazs. I smiled politely and replied that it didn't really matter to me - I was just looking for certain flavors. He kept talking and I kept looking for my ice cream, being polite but not overly friendly, but getting a little more uncomfortable with the fact that he kept talking to me. As I was walking away, he said, "I'm going to do something for you - I'm going to buy you this Haagen Dazs ice cream."

"No, that's alright," I replied.

But he insisted. "I'll just have to find you after I check out, and give this to you," he continued.

"I'm checking out now," I told him. I really just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could without him following me.

"Well, I am too," he said. As he followed me from the ice cream aisle to the check-out line, he started to ask more personal questions like where I was from and where I'd gone to school. And somewhere in those few steps, I began to PANIC. I needed a rescue. I needed to get to my car without him seeing where I was parked. I needed to know he wasn't scoping me out like a predator seeks out unsuspecting women. I needed God to miraculously intervene on my behalf. I prayed for all these things as I scanned my yogurt and my milk and my ice cream.

As I finished paying, mind racing with what to do next, afraid to lift my eyes, I heard a voice, "Hey, J!" And I looked up and met eyes with one of my husband's good buddies. Honest to goodness, I felt like kissing him...but I didn't. ;) When his wife (and my friend), M, walked up behind him, though, I hugged her tightly while quickly explaining the sketchy situation and begging her to walk me to her car in case the man followed me to the parking lot. She got her keys from her husband, and we walked toward the door together. We passed the man, who extended the ice cream to me, but clearly picked up the signals that I was finished with our conversation. As we walked to the car, I recounted all that had happened while she watched for signs of the man following us. When she determined that he was nowhere to be seen, we redirected to my car to load the groceries.

I know some people would've been more verbally combative with him - I'm not great with words under pressure, so I did what I always do: shut down and walk away. Some people I know would have noticed those red flags a LOT sooner than I did - it's true that I was definitely naive to the potential peril. However it happened, though - I do know one thing for sure: my God was my Deliverer tonight. He answered my prayer - overtly and immediately. He protected me from what was certainly a sketchy, if not dangerous, situation. And He loves me. He really, really loves me.

Our God is a God of salvation, and to GOD, the Lord, belong deliverances from death. -Psalm 68:20

So Great

Today has been a hard day for many friends of mine. Though I did not know him personally, I understand that Mike Sweeney has lived a life that epitomizes Philippians 1:21, "For [Mike Sweeney], to live is Christ, AND to die is gain. He both lived in the fullness of Christ, and died to the gain of his Heavenly Father, leaving an incredible legacy of faith with his loved ones.

As I sat in church yesterday, I noticed a verse written on the dry erase board on the wall (our church is a school during the week), and the words hit me so powerfully in that moment that I had to write them down. It holds a lot of weight with many stories of cancer and unexpected loss and death that seems to just be happening all around me right now.

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3:32-33

How is it possible that an all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty God can unwillingly bring grief? Honestly, I do not have His mind, and I do not have the answer to that question. Lamentations 3 is full of the writer's conflict between the same God who purposes both calamity and good, who seemingly allows injustice to reign over a believer's life for a season before stepping forth and defending the cause of His beloved.

I'm not sure why, but I am intensely drawn toward the picture that God is tender and compassionate with me during the midst of the very trials that he ordained. Toward a God whose heart breaks as the waves he has made crash over me. Toward a God who is mysteriously able to sew painful stitches to heal a sinful, broken part of me.

Is He safe? No, but He's good. He's the King, I tell ya.

B.H.A.G.

Chick-fil-A has a love affair with the B.H.A.G.

B.H.A.G. = Big. Hairy. Audacious. Goal.

At the Chick-fil-A Seminar in Washington, D.C. this past weekend, I got a new perspective on what a BHAG really is. Danny Cahill, the "biggest" Biggest Loser the reality TV show has ever seen, was a guest on Tuesday at Seminar. He lost 239 lbs on the show - from 430 to 191 lbs over the course of the season.

Crazy Awesome.

What struck me the most was his very candid interview on stage. He admitted that he had lost 50-60 lbs multiple times over the course of his life, but because he couldn't see a difference in the mirror, he would give up and end up gaining it back. He said that if you took all the times that he lost those 50-60 lbs and added them up, it was way more weight than what he lost on the show. His "take-home point" was that he spent more energy and time quitting during all those years of being overweight than it took him to "win" on the show.

Seeing him there, it was obvious that he had had a radical perspective change. He had accomplished a Big Hairy Audacious Goal. My husband turned and looked at me as we were walking out the door after the break, "HE eliminates any excuse I could ever have for anything ever again." And it's true. He's inspiring. He's living out Scripture and bearing the standard for those of us whom God has called and equipped for the task before us.

I love how The Message puts it..."let's not allow ourselves...." So many times I "allow myself" to quit. I present excuses and accept them. I talk myself out of doing good - right there in my head, all to myself. JMom has a quote on her blog that I think of often: "The way we spend our days is, of course, the way we spend our lives" (Annie Dillard). Am I going to spend my days (and my life) giving up on the things that God has called me to do? Am I going to spend my days (and my life) thinking up excuses for not completing the task God has for me?

So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit.
Galatians 6:9 (The Message)

The Heart Issue

E is SOOOO "2." Bossiness, saying "No" all the time to everything, wanting to do it all herself, craving control and independence and an opportunity to claim her stake in this world.

As she becomes more and more self-aware and able to reflect a little bit on the reasons for her behavior, discipline is definitely changing in our home.

I'm really appreciating what Dr. Tedd Tripp offers young parents who are struggling with how to raise a child biblically in his book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, and in the corresponding Parent's Handbook. He pours Scripture into the pages, and helps me remember that this parenting job isn't just about controlling a wild-eyed, havoc-wreaking little monster. Instead, he brings me back to focusing on helping her work through her sin-ravaged little heart to be able to come to a place where God can speak grace and light into her spirit and soul, and she will recognize Him as the willing, powerful, Savior of her sin. I get SO caught up in the very thing that Jesus talks about in Matthew 23:25-28 - and find myself being such a hypocrite sometimes as I tend to cherish the cleanliness of the outside of her cup without taking note of the the inside of her heart.

This is definitely a tough one for me, and something I have to take to Jesus every day.

When I Think I Get It...But I Really Don't

E has been wonderfully independent lately. Learning LOTS. ABOUT. BOUNDARIES.

Namely: What does it really mean when mommy says it's time to go to bed?

Part of the problem I know is me. She doesn't just come out of her room, she sleeks around the corner, left eyeball first, with a Grinch grin that causes me to erupt in giggles every time. After she and I have a moment of fun, daddy swoops in to return her to the bed. I know. This isn't teaching her to stay in bed. I know. Like I said, part of the problem is ME.

Last night, though, she was in rare form. Usually, after the first - maybe second time - of getting up, she retires. Not last night. After she'd gotten up to bring me shoes, to bring me an umbrella (?!?), to ask for water, she was up yet again. Each time, per my instructions, she returned to her room. On the third time, I gave her a final instruction, "E, if mommy has to get up to help you back in bed, I am going to spank you."

So...on the fourth time...I had to follow through. I followed her back to bed. I stopped her before she climbed into bed and got down on her level. "E, do you remember that mommy said if I had to help you back in bed, I would spank you?" And with the most spirited little voice, E replied, "M-hm!" After one small spank and a few tears while we hugged, E pushed back from me and said, "All better," then climbed into bed and kissed me goodnight. And stayed there.

I was proud of myself. I thought, "Wow! She really got it!" Then we came home tonight and she got up FIVE times before we repeated the procedure (though she wasn't as enthusiastic about remembering my instruction this time). Afterwards, I closed the door to her room so that in case she wasn't quite done leaving the bed...at least she would stay in her room. And not even five minutes later, she was banging on the door.

As I thought back over all of this, I am reminded so much of my own personality. I have a really hard time when God tells me, "No" or when he doesn't allow me to go somewhere or do something that I want to do. Sometimes I think I "get it" when it comes to what God would have for me, but in reality I am way off the mark. Sometimes when I am begging God for answers, it may seem as though he is ignoring me when in fact he is standing right on the other side of the door knowing that the best place for me to be is "in my room" for that moment.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

-Matthew 7:11

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

-1 Peter 5:6

Me and My Big Mouth

tact'ful-ness n.: 1. consideration in dealing with others and avoiding giving offence; 2. a gifting that I apparently lack

My husband (and my dad, for that matter) could look directly into another persons eyes and tell them they were the meanest person with the most rotten attitude and uneven ears and they would tear up, hug them and thank them for being so awesomely genuine and loving them as a person. It's an unbelievably wonderful gift...that I do not have.

Now, seriously, they would never say exactly those things, but God has truly given these men of my life a way with the spoken word. In the face of an opportunity to share what's on my heart, I find myself often making excuses before the burning bush just like Moses once did, "But...um, God? Don't you remember that I don't speak well at all?"

So it happened again tonight - one of those "Moses Moments." I opened my mouth at the wrong time in the wrong place and apparently said the wrong words. Three strikes and I'm out. I totally offended a friend of mine (unbeknownst to me at the time), and I'm praying tonight for grace to cover my multitude of sins and wisdom to figure out where to go from here. One thing's for sure: this handicap of mine definitely forces humility on me (and makes me ever-so-thankful for my incredible husband).

And...as if humility weren't enough, God so graciously provided some conviction as well (this was waiting for me when I got home tonight as part of my daily reading):

"A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. " James 3:3-6 (The Message)

Hope Does Not Disappoint

We live in a world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce, no matter what circles you run in. It's sad and it's frustrating to accept the reality that, unless you stick your head in the sand, you WILL be faced with marriages in crisis. And if you DO stick your head in the sand, you'd probably better be prepared to accept that it could be yours. (In other words, NO ONE is immune)

My husband and I, over the past year, have walked this road with THREE couples that we know. We have cried innumerable tears over the betrayal, the pain, the loss, and the depths of despair they have faced. We have begged God for mercy, we have begged God for fresh wind, we have begged God to change the things only He can control. I am especially burdened for a new friend of mine that is walking this road as I type, and I am praying these words over her as I plead with God to give her and her husband HOPE for a future that is greater than they could possibly imagine:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~Romans 5:3-5

He has been and continues to be an exceedingly good and gracious God to our friends. He has healed, he has restored, and he has strengthened marriages each and every time. What the Enemy has meant for destruction, He has purposed from the very beginning of time for their good and His Glory, and it has been an unbelievable blessing to be able to watch God show off in our friend's lives in ways that can only be attributed to His Power and His Grace. I have no doubt that He will continue to be faithful, that He will continue to make His will known among His people, and that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts. I have hope that He will not disappoint us, because of His unfailing love.

What an INCREDIBLE God we are free to love and know and serve!


**On that note, I cannot say enough wonderful words about my friends at WinShape Retreat/WinShape Marriage. They believe in a Great and Mighty God who desires to see each and every marriage healed, restored, and transformed so that we - husbands and wives - can bear the image of the intimacy and perfect love Jesus will one day lavish perfectly upon His Bride. Every year, my husband and I spend a weekend at Retreat, sharing in the experience of what WinShape has to offer...it is a truly extraordinary place.

Mixing Rocks Into Soil

It's my birthday. E sang the birthday song to me no less than nine times, a frequent reminder of the blessing of sharing this special day with my family. My husband made breakfast, we all went on a hike (it was an unbelievably gorgeous day), we had lunch downtown, my parents took me out to dinner, I ate cake TWICE, received tons of birthday messages and some incredible news via Facebook, got several very sweet and thoughtful gifts from my friends and my hubby...all in all, a really great day.

Yet, all the above activities were accompanied by sadness - in a small way - as my husband packed, drove to the airport, and departed for a 10-day missions excursion to Cairo, Egypt. As I write, he is on a plane crossing the Atlantic.

I am praying and praying that I will not miss out on the purposes God has for me during this time of physical separation from my husband. I know He is doing a work in my heart, and that this small part of the journey is important for Him to grow in me a deeper desire for and joy in Him alone, an opportunity for me to send my roots down deeper into the fertile soil of Life in Him.

As I pondered these things tonight, I was reminded of an illustration that the Bible alludes to several times in regards to the grapevine. If you ever spend some time with a good vintner, you will notice that, in some cases, he or she will plant rocks among the soil where a grapevine grows, in order to force the vine to run its roots deep into the ground, where it will be able to find the most nutrients and a more stable supply of water. Likewise, God plants "rocks" into the soil of our lives to stretch us, to grow us, to cause us to run our roots deeper and deeper into the wealth of His Being, where we will find the Living Water - the only Water that can truly heal and sustain our lives. What a loving God - who knows exactly how to tend to our souls and cultivate the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts, even when it is tough and sometimes hurtful in the process.

This is the kind of God that I want to get to know more during these next ten days. The kind of God who knows me so intimately that I can be sure He has purposed these days long before I was even born. The kind of God who is - I am certain - on the edge of His seat as He looks in anticipation at the new things I will discover about Him as I learn how to lean on His grace and His mercy over the next week. The only God who could, would, and will ever look at me and see nothing but righteousness and the glory of His Son over me, and because of that, love me fiercely and fight for me tirelessly.

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Some sweet memories from today:

My AWESOME birthday present from my rockin' husband

Playing with Indiana at the Reservoir

SHAKE!!!

L leaving for Cairo

Part of L's Cairo Team (minus E) :)

Praying for Cairo

Last night I went to a prayer meeting for a team of men and women who will be going on a missions trip to Cairo, Egypt next week - a team that includes my husband.

L has traveled quite a bit in our five years of marriage, both nationally and internationally, so I'm already praying about a few major things that affect us each time he's gone:

1 - Our little one. Though I'm getting more used to the feeling of doing life without his physical presence for a few days, she is (I think) going to miss him more than she ever has. She is really starting to develop a sweet relationship with her daddy, and has learned that he is the giver of life in regards to playing, laughing, and being silly together. And because she thrives on those things, it's going to be tough to not have him around for twelve days.

2 - A spirit of humility. It's tough to submit to the fact that, for twelve days, God has designed that there are more important places for my husband and E's daddy to be than home with us. We need him here, we want him here - he is vitally important to our home. So it's difficult to submit to God and allow my husband to serve others instead of us for a brief time. (It sounds horribly selfish to say, doesn't it? Oh well...it's the honest truth).

3 - A spirit of dependence. This is probably the biggest one for me. A true Type-A, it's easy for me to take control. When L is gone for an extended period of time, its easier to take control of his responsibilities and do it all myself than it is to lean on God and others and allow them to minister to me during his absence. What this effectively does is work L out of a job as a husband and a daddy (because I'm doing it all and therefore do not need his help), and makes it really tough for us to come back together as a team once he is home.

These are a few of the things that a sweet team of prayer warriors prayed over L and his team last night. Among the many other things were for God to do a mighty work in the hearts of the team members and those they are going to serve, for safe and efficient travels, and for peace and trust in times that things don't go as planned. These things I am lifting up to a mighty God Who goes before us and makes a way for his people, a loving God Who desires that the world may know Him, a good God who knows and provides for our every need even before we know it ourselves.

Family Times

E is - *sniff* - getting a little bit older every day. Though I LOVE to see the growth in her, it's almost like drinking water from a fire hydrant right now...she is changing so rapidly it's hard to keep up. Whereas three months ago she had barely broken English (and lots of Chinese), she is now starting to speak in completely intelligible sentences. Three months ago she was slurping apple sauce from her fingers at the dinner table; tonight she refused to eat without a fork. We've gone from choking on apples (no matter how small) to eating chopped pieces without peeling to eating slices with the peeling to eating straight off the tree and now back to demanding pieces without peeling because she's decided she "prefers" it that way. She potties in the toilet on command (leaving this mama with no choice other than to suck it up and delve into the world of potty training before I miss my glorious window of opportunity).

All this surge of understanding has prompted me to once again raise the bar for how intentional we are being about sharing Jesus with E. Though she's probably not quite yet ready to grasp the full understanding of some of the things we'll talk about, I think we're ready to start having some dedicated "Family Time" to learn about some of the lessons the Bible has to teach us. Dr. Tripp calls it "Formative Instruction." I certainly am not suggesting that we are going to teach E that we only talk about Jesus at certain, structured times - that's not the goal at all. I'm just, as a first-time mom, trying to figure out what it all looks like for our family to get to know Jesus, with the help of some wisdom from other parents and spiritual leaders who have gone before me.

This month, we are starting with a tool called "Family Times," published by the reThink Group. There are certainly some things in it that are way beyond E's scope for understanding right now - but one thing for certain is that I don't ever want to underestimate how much she is capable of grasping about God. There are certain things included in the set - like note cards that you can write a little note on to send in your child's lunch or leave on their breakfast plate when you leave for work - that I wish I'd started last year even. It's never to early to let your child know how and why you think she is special.

One thing I hope never to forget, though, is that the command that God gives in Deuteronomy 6:6 is the precursor for the one He gives in 6:7. First is the need for me to hold his commands in my heart. If it's not my faith, then I can't give it or show it or live it for my children. They are certainly not going to want anything that I claim to believe in but don't choose to follow in my deeds. If the faith that I have isn't living and breathing before them, all the books and tools and curriculums I do to help them get to know Jesus and be a good person is only going to leave them spiritually dead.

Lord, thank you for the amazing grace you have given to me! Thank you for dying on the cross and saving me from the death that I deserved. Give me Your strength to live out each day by walking in Your love, under the watershed of Your grace. May the things that I strive to teach E about you only be bolstered by the life of faith that I live out before her, and in the places where I fail to meet up to Your holy standard, please help me to humble myself before her as Your grace shines through to meet her wholly and perfectly when I cannot.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's amazing how quickly I can go from a loving, gracious mommy to a short-tempered, legalistic dictator. Ugh. It's kind of depressing, actually.

I got a phone call from a rather antagonistic person yesterday that, frankly, left me flustered and angry. Hours later, it was obviously still brewing in my soul, and I found myself being very ungracious with E, even causing her to cry at one point of particular impatience.

Fast forward to tonight when I peeked into her room, 45 minutes past her bedtime, because she was still awake and talking. When I creeped up close to her bedside to see what was going on, she opened her eyes, looked at me sideways out of the corner of them, and started giggling. We laughed hysterically for the next five minutes.

Reflecting on my bipolar interactions with her over the past 24 hours reminds me of something Louie Giglio said last week, something that keeps coming back up for me. He gave the illustration of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the fact that after the crowd yells, "Move That Bus!!," the first thing that camera focuses on is not the house - the thing that the whole show has been apparently building up to - but the family's faces. Even though you're not able to see the actual house at first, you get excited because you see the house on the faces of the family members who are beholding it. Their thrill at the joy of this new house increases your desire to view it, tour it, analyze it, feel it.

When I am bothered by and focused on a cruddy conversation with a mean person, I reflect that in my face to E. She responds with tears, and rightfully so - what I am reflecting to her is anxiety and anger. When I tiptoed into her room tonight and was surprised by the joy and innocence of the precious gift God has given to me, I reflected that in my face back to E, and we laughed until we cried. What a reminder to me of how much my face affects those around me.

Jesus, when You said that we are to be a light to those around us, I think I'm realizing that what you meant is that we are to reflect the Light from its original source: You. When I spend time in the world, I begin to reflect the things of this world to those around me, things that are broken and shallow and hurtful. Draw me into You and lift my head up to Your Face, that I may see Your goodness and dwell in Your House. Restore my soul that I may shine Your Light to those around me. May my face reflect Your Glory, Lord, that those who see my face may be drawn toward the One who has set my feet to dancing and set my heart on fire!

The Most Surprising Speaker

Though they are undoubtably spiritual giants of the faith, it is (just being honest, here) difficult to listen to the Billy Grahams, the R.C. Sprouls, the James Dobsons of this world sometimes. Their rhetoric, their vocabulary, and their rich history of faith sometimes creates as much of a moat as it does a bridge.

Each year, Catalyst gives out a Lifetime Achievement Award, and this year that award went to Chuck Swindoll. I was excited to link arms with this man of faith from an entirely different generation, but also not as excited as I was to hear from someone like Andy Stanley or Rob Bell.

But I was surprised by the depth of this man. Humble, articulate, funny, perceptive, personal, real, and - most shocking - very current. I'll bet he even knows how to Twitter. :)

One of the first things he said has surfaced to the top of all that I've learned from the past two days: "When God wants to do an impossible task, he takes an impossible person and crushes him." (Alan Redpath) What Chuck Swindoll went on to say to leaders, to parents, to ministers, to laypersons, to the successful, and to the famed is this: "I am so proud of you and all you are accomplishing and all you are doing. It is wonderful for you to be experiencing this kind of success, and this obvious blessing by God in your life. I just want to stand here before you today and remind you to leave room in you life for the crushing, for that is where God will do His best work in your heart."

And when thinking tonight about God's purposes for trials in my life, I was led to this:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

It's so awesome when God allows seasons of joy and blessing in our life, where we are able to sit under His wings and be reminded of our Jehovah Jireh. But on the flip side of the coin is a God that allows heartache, distress, floods, abandonment, hurt, death, destruction, and grief all for the purpose of cultivating in us a heart more like that of our Savior Jesus Christ - a heart that is focused on His Co-mission: Loving God and Loving others the way He teaches us to during those trials.

Where You Go I Will Go

My cousin, K, married her best friend today. It was probably one of the sweetest, most natural movements into holy matrimony I've ever witnessed. My dad performed the wedding, and honestly wowed us all with the way he allowed the Lord to speak through him and bless the couple coming before God's Throne. One of the best memories of this day will always be the perfect weather that we had in spite of the forecasts for a full day of rain.

I was especially touched by the closing vows my dad recited with the bride and groom, first uttered by a desperate Ruth who was cleaving tightly to her mother-in-law after the recent death of her young husband:

"For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." (Ruth 1:16-17)

Catalyst 2009

L and I are in Atlanta for Catalyst 2009. My head and heart are swimming with the refreshing, reenergizing, motivating, humbling, incredible Truth being proclaimed about what God has to say in regards to being a part of His plan here on planet Earth.

Tonight was an awesome time of being reminded by Aaron Keys and Francis Chan Who Jesus is and what He has done for me. The takeaway from tonight has definitely been the reminder that the Enemy will do whatever he can to make Jesus unappealing to those who are looking in on my life wondering why I subscribe to the whole "Christianity" thing. Satan is in the business of filling my mind and my life with enough stress and anxiety and stuff to cover up the joy and grace I should be constantly feeling in the embrace of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 5:8). Instead, Jesus is calling me to come boldly, yet humbly, before His Throne, giving Him everything that loads me up and weighs me down, trusting Him - in the right time - to give me ALL grace, to restore me, to confirm me, to strengthen me, and to establish me (1 Peter 5:6-7,10-11).

What an incredible promise to rest in tonight!!

Twilight Review

So, I admitted in my post last night that, yes...I have subscribed to the recent fad in novels, The Twilight Series, by Stephenie Meyer. It's taken a while for me to organize my thoughts about them, but I think I'm finally ready to put it out there. Here I go...

I believe that we can look for the glory of God anywhere. He is able to shine His Light into any place at any time. As my husband has recently quoted from a book he is reading for Seminary, "God is the only One who is able to use sin sinlessly."

So even (and especially!) when I read a book like Twilight, I read with discernment. I enjoy the fiction, but I try not to miss any of the hidden messages that point to the glory of Christ or that might lead to the glory of man. As I read through this book, and even afterwards as I dialogued with other Christian friends - single friends, married friends, moms of teenagers - I realized that this could be a very dangerous piece of work.

It's not that I didn't enjoy it; rather, the problem is that I did. The greatest issue is not with the fact that the author is a professing Mormon, or that the book was filled with negative assumptions in regards to marriage; though these things are clearly opposing to my worldview. The problem is that the storyline - a tale of perfect mystical love - is so deeply captivating that it is easy, over the course of the four books, to "train" your heart to desire the kind of emotional satisfaction developed within the pages. When you leave the world of Edward and Bella, you might feel a kind of emptiness and longing that, if you believed was justified, you would begin searching for in your own life. And though God is ready and waiting, the book definitely doesn't lead you to search for Him as the answer to this longing.

I read this passage today, which summed up perfectly the danger that my heart was feeling in regards to this book. Again, I read Twilight, I think the author is truly gifted in her ability to capture her audience - and I might recommend it for someone who clearly understands the truth of the Word of God that only Jesus can satisfy - but it is definitely a thin rope to be walking on for anyone, myself included. Without going back often to the scriptures, without a husband that is leading me day by day to the foot of the cross, without a Jesus that fights every day for my love, I would still face these temptations myself!

Romans 1:22-26 (ESV)

"Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions."