My Man

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  ~Ephesians 5:25-32


I think I've alluded before to the fact that the first year of marriage was INCREDIBLY difficult for L and I. I came into marriage with a load of expectations that I dumped on him the moment he said, "I do." I had expectations for how he would dress, how he would act, how he would lead, the things that he would consider important, the way he would romance me...you name it, I had a PLAN. And so for almost one straight year, I spent a great deal of time frustrated that he was not living up to the expectations I thought he had promised at the alter he would fulfill. Add to the frustration the fact that I had pretty poor conflict resolution skills, and you get a total MESS and a good picture of what life was like for a large portion of the first year.

Thankfully, God has relentlessly pursued mine and my husband's hearts, and over the past six years, we have learned (by walking through the fire) how to love and respect and submit to one another - not perfectly by any means! But we are certainly in a healthier place today than we were back then. I am still so full of sinful flesh patterns, but God is teaching me day by day how to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. I have learned (over time) that GOD is the one who changes my husband's heart and actions - not me! And that when God does effect change, it is because it pleases God and honors God to do so...not because I should be the end-all, be-all recipient of L's changed life. 


When L and I first got married, I used to hold the verse above up to him as challenge - "See this? See what you're supposed to be/do/say/act like? See how you're supposed to be leading me? See all this responsibility you have before God for our marriage?" Instead of God's Word being used to offer life and grace and mercy, I was using it to crush his spirit and bring condemnation in so many ways. It's hard to confess and sad to say, but its true.

Today, though, because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in our marriage, I cannot read these words above without singing praises to my Savior for the man he gave me to live out my life with on this earth. What a testimony to the lovingkindness and favor of our God that He has brought us through fire and ice to a place where I truly believe that my husband embodies the call given to him in Ephesians 5 (and in case you read it any other way, let me be clear: God has changed MY heart and MY attitudes, so that my belief in my husband's integrity is not dependent on my husband...the source of my belief is in a God who has never failed in His goodness to me). A place where - when given the opportunity to believe the worst or the best about his motives or intentions - I can easily and freely choose to believe the best (because of God's great grace!). A place where - when Satan tempts me to list all of the things that he does that frustrate me - I can quickly and easily recall the list of things that he does to honor me and cherish me and love me (which is, by the way - the best advice my mom has ever given me and was instrumental in changing my attitude and expectations toward my husband).

I am SO excited about where the Lord is leading our marriage and for the plans He has for us. If God can take the awful mess of our first year and transform it into the marriage we have today (which is SO not perfect AT ALL, but is full of life and love and satisfaction in each other and free of so many of the expectations that I brought to the alter), I have no doubt He can do it for anyone else. And I have no doubts that He will continue to transform these areas and other areas of our lives into His image and us into a vessel that seeks to bring Him glory in all things. Praise be to God!

NYC!

As a delayed 5-year anniversary gift to each other, we flew up to NYC on Saturday for some sight-seeing, a Broadway show, and a one-night stay at the Waldorf Astoria. It was one of those trips - seriously - where everything just seemed to go right...though we weren't able to do EVERYTHING on our list, we had a magical time together and were able to see and do so much with the 24 hours we had.

NY has a pace that exhausted me after a short 24 hours. In the South, I would never hesitate to stop a stranger to ask for a picture. In NYC, the only people who are standing still are the people you would never trust to hold even a dollar for a minute. Sooooooooo...we have lots of crazy pictures where we zoomed the camera out as far as it would go, I stood on my tip-toes, and L held it back as far as his long arms would reach in order to get our faces in front of whatever scenery we were trying to capture. What we ended up with was actually quite a memorable array of some of our best moments from that day and a half - looking back, they really do capture our time there.

To be honest, this was actually the first trip that I've taken post-baby that I was able to let go of being "mom" for a day and step into the shoes of just giving myself over to being with my man. And to be even more honest, I wasn't specifically praying for that to happen - it just did. One of those things that God gives you that you don't even know that you need. For that reason, though, I think NYC will hold some pretty special memories for the two of us - a place that belongs to just L and I and isn't shared with the feelings and responsibilities of parenting. Don't read what I'm not saying! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. But there's a tendency for me to get sucked into it, to invest the best of my care first and foremost to the 2-year-old with the most immediate and tangible needs. I felt a little like a "newlywed" for a day in NYC - as if I had the freedom to offer L my best without having to worry about whether or not E's needs were being met (side note: Thank you Nana and PopPop!!).

This is still a thought-in-progress. I am looking forward to being back home with our family back together. But I am wondering about the glimpse God has given to us this weekend of the importance of a little "getaway." A time for me to focus my eyes 100% on the man God has blessed me with and to be able to offer him all the love I have in my heart for him without any hindrances. A time for romance to blossom a little more. A time to remember walking down the aisle toward the man of my dreams. A time to be thankful that I have a mate with a common vision and purpose in life. A really really GOOD time!!

Waldorf Astoria

First trip on the subway

Staton Island Ferry

Lady Liberty is back there somewhere!

Lombardi's Pizza

The Lion King on Broadway!

Times Square

We were MASTERS of the subway

Central Park

On our way home...

Brain-Power: Exhausted

My husband is in Egypt, my child with her Nana and PopPop. And I? Apart from spending too many hours at work, I am also getting to all those things that have been on "backorder" on my to-do list for...well, TOO long to admit out-right.

Since my brain isn't really running on all four cylinders tonight, I'll leave you with some humor. Enjoy!

Tale Of Two Brains - The best free videos are right here

Hope Does Not Disappoint

We live in a world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce, no matter what circles you run in. It's sad and it's frustrating to accept the reality that, unless you stick your head in the sand, you WILL be faced with marriages in crisis. And if you DO stick your head in the sand, you'd probably better be prepared to accept that it could be yours. (In other words, NO ONE is immune)

My husband and I, over the past year, have walked this road with THREE couples that we know. We have cried innumerable tears over the betrayal, the pain, the loss, and the depths of despair they have faced. We have begged God for mercy, we have begged God for fresh wind, we have begged God to change the things only He can control. I am especially burdened for a new friend of mine that is walking this road as I type, and I am praying these words over her as I plead with God to give her and her husband HOPE for a future that is greater than they could possibly imagine:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~Romans 5:3-5

He has been and continues to be an exceedingly good and gracious God to our friends. He has healed, he has restored, and he has strengthened marriages each and every time. What the Enemy has meant for destruction, He has purposed from the very beginning of time for their good and His Glory, and it has been an unbelievable blessing to be able to watch God show off in our friend's lives in ways that can only be attributed to His Power and His Grace. I have no doubt that He will continue to be faithful, that He will continue to make His will known among His people, and that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts. I have hope that He will not disappoint us, because of His unfailing love.

What an INCREDIBLE God we are free to love and know and serve!


**On that note, I cannot say enough wonderful words about my friends at WinShape Retreat/WinShape Marriage. They believe in a Great and Mighty God who desires to see each and every marriage healed, restored, and transformed so that we - husbands and wives - can bear the image of the intimacy and perfect love Jesus will one day lavish perfectly upon His Bride. Every year, my husband and I spend a weekend at Retreat, sharing in the experience of what WinShape has to offer...it is a truly extraordinary place.

Praying for Cairo

Last night I went to a prayer meeting for a team of men and women who will be going on a missions trip to Cairo, Egypt next week - a team that includes my husband.

L has traveled quite a bit in our five years of marriage, both nationally and internationally, so I'm already praying about a few major things that affect us each time he's gone:

1 - Our little one. Though I'm getting more used to the feeling of doing life without his physical presence for a few days, she is (I think) going to miss him more than she ever has. She is really starting to develop a sweet relationship with her daddy, and has learned that he is the giver of life in regards to playing, laughing, and being silly together. And because she thrives on those things, it's going to be tough to not have him around for twelve days.

2 - A spirit of humility. It's tough to submit to the fact that, for twelve days, God has designed that there are more important places for my husband and E's daddy to be than home with us. We need him here, we want him here - he is vitally important to our home. So it's difficult to submit to God and allow my husband to serve others instead of us for a brief time. (It sounds horribly selfish to say, doesn't it? Oh well...it's the honest truth).

3 - A spirit of dependence. This is probably the biggest one for me. A true Type-A, it's easy for me to take control. When L is gone for an extended period of time, its easier to take control of his responsibilities and do it all myself than it is to lean on God and others and allow them to minister to me during his absence. What this effectively does is work L out of a job as a husband and a daddy (because I'm doing it all and therefore do not need his help), and makes it really tough for us to come back together as a team once he is home.

These are a few of the things that a sweet team of prayer warriors prayed over L and his team last night. Among the many other things were for God to do a mighty work in the hearts of the team members and those they are going to serve, for safe and efficient travels, and for peace and trust in times that things don't go as planned. These things I am lifting up to a mighty God Who goes before us and makes a way for his people, a loving God Who desires that the world may know Him, a good God who knows and provides for our every need even before we know it ourselves.

The First Year

Whenever my husband or I tell our story to another couple, we always reminisce about the first year - so far, the hardest year of our marriage.

There wasn't much of a "honeymoon phase" to our marriage. From day one, I had a load of expectations that I dumped on my husband, things that either my dad or other "great men" in my life had done for their wives. When he did the things that I expected him to do, I rarely thanked him (much less threw him a party), because those were the things that he was "supposed" to be doing, right? I remember several conversations that went to the tune of this:

L: "Hey babe, did you notice that I loaded the dishwasher for you?"

Me: "Um, yeah. Did you notice that I loaded it every day for the past eight days?"

I had really poor communication skills, and he wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I was working full-time, playing more or less the role of the "breadwinner" while he finished his senior year of college. I came from a traditional family; he had stepfamilies and half-brothers. In a group setting, he wants to make sure everybody's having a good time; in a group setting, I want to make sure everybody's doing what they are supposed to be doing.

We spent the three years building up to marriage finding out how similar we were, and the whole first year and a half of marriage finding out how different we were. It was quite a ride.

I wouldn't trade that year for anything. It was the worst year of our marriage, and yet prepared us for everything we've faced since that time. I love that our God knew what we needed, even when it felt like he was against us on all sides.

Men Are From Mars

Yesterday was a tough day in our house. Through a long set of circumstances in which the details are irrelevant, I went to bed with the feeling that I was my husband's "second choice" that day - a feeling that topped off an otherwise already terrible day. During a long car ride together today, I opened up and tried to walk him through some choices that he made that I interpreted to mean that he was tired of hanging out with me and instead needed some "guy time" to kind of fill up.

I felt pretty dumb as I unpacked all of my insecurities in front of him. Though he probably knows me better than I even know myself, it still isn't all that fun to be gut-wrenchingly honest about my human insecurities. Worse still was the fact that all my assumptions were completely wrong. Once we started talking through it all, I soon found out that the choices that he made had nothing to do with how he felt about me and everything to do with the fact that he simply saw an opportunity to be a friend to one of his guys.

Oh, how different we women are from our men. And though it causes so much heartache sometimes, I always come back to something I read in a book by Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage) a few years ago - something that sparked a revolution in the early years of our marriage. His question, in fact the entire premise of the book is this: "What if God intended marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" Or, in other words, what if marriage was more about finding our pleasure in God than finding our pleasure in each other or ourselves?

And what if, by some miracle, I were actually able to take a step back during the middle of marital conflict and see that - from God's holy and righteous perspective - all this conflict is actually for my good? That I am suffering for the sake of God's ultimate purpose of cultivating love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control in my heart?

The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will receive a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:8-9, NIV)

Aesop

An old Aesop's fable that has been cropping up lately for me is the one about the Wind and the Sun. It reads:

The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: "I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin." So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on.

I was telling my husband tonight of an epiphany I was having, confident that it was going to be a grand realization for him as well, proud of what a word from God I had just heard. Haha.

He was really sweet - let me go on and on about all the great things I was thinking. After I was finished, he gently said, "Yeah, I've been thinking that same thing for a while now. Just waiting for you to realize it too."

My sweet husband. He is definitely my "sun." I can't ever remember a time when he has forced his will on me or required me to change in a way that would surely be better for everybody involved. Instead, he submits his desires straight to the Lord, and trusts Him to work His will in my life on His time. And does that joyfully. And loves me deeply. He's definitely a keeper. :)

Welcome Back to Planet Earth

Last night, L and I had our first argument since our three-day excursion to ATL. At my parents house. I was, as usual in an argument, trying to explain why I thought I was actually right about this particular point.

Me: I don't think you understand what I am saying. (silence) Do you? (silence) L__, why are you ignoring me?
L: I'm not ignoring you, I simply don't have anything to say right now.
Me: (Um, that sounds like ignoring to me)
Me: Well, I'm trying to have a conversation, and it's not much of a conversation if you're not saying anything back.
L: Well, sorry. What do you want me to say?
Me: (Ugh! I don't want you to say what I want you to say. I want you to say what you are thinking!)
Me: (Be nice. Parents are listening. New tactic.)
Me: When you say "x", it makes me feel "y."
L: Well, I'm sorry. I don't mean it that way.
Me: (Duh.)
Me: But it makes me feel that way.
L: Well, I apologize. That's not what I meant, and I will try hard not to say that again.
Me: Thank you.
L: You're welcome.
Me: I forgive you.
L: Thanks. I forgive you too.
Me: (Forgive me for what!?! I didn't do anything.)
Me: (Be nice. Parents are still listening.)
Me: Thanks.

Where You Go I Will Go

My cousin, K, married her best friend today. It was probably one of the sweetest, most natural movements into holy matrimony I've ever witnessed. My dad performed the wedding, and honestly wowed us all with the way he allowed the Lord to speak through him and bless the couple coming before God's Throne. One of the best memories of this day will always be the perfect weather that we had in spite of the forecasts for a full day of rain.

I was especially touched by the closing vows my dad recited with the bride and groom, first uttered by a desperate Ruth who was cleaving tightly to her mother-in-law after the recent death of her young husband:

"For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." (Ruth 1:16-17)

Edward Cullen, Michael O'Brien, and My Husband

On the (great) advice of a trusted friend, I delved into the Twilight novels a few weeks ago. I am not a fan of fantasy/Sci-Fi, and consider most memories of high school to be nightmarish at best, so it was quite a leap for me just to read the first sentence. But I have to admit, I enjoyed the storyline and came away with many great thoughts for discussion, and I have prompted quite a few others (including my husband) to begin reading them.

Last night, as I was reading through Stephenie Meyer's (Twilight author) website, I came across some pretty heavy critics of her work. There are those, apparently, who have found that the book has inspired in them a new standard for romance, love, and how a man should treat a woman; even to the point where wives have filed for divorce and women have left long-standing relationships in search of what they truly "deserve." And as I was reading it, my heart began to break.

Tonight, my husband and I (on our weekly date night!) enjoyed a concert by the talented pianist/singer Michael O'Brien. Afterward, my husband and I were sipping coffee, and he mentioned something about wondering if I ever wished he were more like Michael O'Brien, able to play and sing beautiful songs about love. I laughed out loud and told him that I wanted just him - just the way he was, especially when he does a good job loving me, and even when he does a bad job. And it got me thinking once again about the Twilight books and the worldly standard for love.

And you know what? I am so thankful for a husband who "gets it." Hear me out, ladies - I love my man...but he is not always perfect. However, no matter what, I know that he strives to love me like Christ loved the church, not like Edward loved Bella, not like the love songs Michael O'Brien sings to his wife, not like my dad loves my mom, not like his buddies love their wives. My man is focused on the one example that will never ever lead him astray. Because of that, I am secure. I can know that even when he doesn't quite make it to second base, I realize he was aiming for the spotlights all along. When he attempts to be Bob-the-Builder and instead has to run out last minute for a bottle of Draino, it was all done with an amazing heart of service. When he leaves me a sappy sweet note on the bathroom mirror with all sorts of typos and missing words, it was written with a heart of 100% gold. When it's all done with the goal of being like Christ, how could I ever want anything more?!?

Ephesians 5:25-28 (The Message)

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

Foolish "Wisdom"

I've been tossing around some thoughts about wisdom and foolishness for a few days now, and just yesterday morning, my husband and I had a moment to sit down and talk through some of these things.

I'm a very logical, black and white person in most cases, especially when it comes to morality, and I don't always value my husband's point of view the way that I know would honor God. I'm working on it - the challenge lies in the fact that we see through severely different lenses, not because I intentionally mean to disrespect him. Not only do I want to change, I need to change - I'm certain one of the reasons that God brought us together is so that I can conform more to Christ by learning to value others' viewpoints.

So I was thinking about wisdom and foolishness. Thinking that I could name quite a few times when I felt L was making a foolish decision (and I - because I am more logical by nature - was able to see the folly in it). Remembering how I thought I was simply doing him a favor and helping him to be more wise - more "Christ-like" - by offering my point of view to him.

This morning I felt God's spirit prompting me to see a third point of view - one I had not ever considered.

Proverbs 1:7 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Not logic. My kind of wisdom (logic) becomes hypocrisy if I try to pass it off as Godly wisdom. I cannot tell my husband that he did not make a wise decision simply because it wasn't logical, because wisdom doesn't begin with logic - wisdom begins with fearing God.

Simply put: when we make a decision based off our own point of view without seeking God first, no matter what the outcome, we are not making a wise choice. We may be making a logical choice, an informed choice, an easy choice, a sacrificial choice, a difficult choice - but it cannot be wise unless it is a choice rooted in the will and the Word of God.

Ahh, the Romance

On Sunday night, my husband and I stole away once again for a date night, this time to do some elements at a ropes course...his ropes course, in fact. Many of our friends think that because my husband is a Ropes Course Instructor Extraordinaire, that I must have climbed every tree out there. Not true. Not even a little bit.

I screamed - an unstoppable and unexpected scream - when he cut us loose on the giant dual swing. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. The second element was a 40-ft telephone pole that you climbed and stood on the top of...blindfolded, with only the help of your partner's voice. It was an awesome step outside of the norm for me, and some sweet cleaving time with my man. He truly is the one for me.

Later that night, instead of the cuddling we might have otherwise been doing, I stayed awake until 4 am throwing up the popcorn, m&m's and diet coke that I'd snacked on at the course. And my knight in shining armor became the sleepy, half-dressed butler standing in the bathroom door with a cup of water in his hand. If only you could've seen the (exact same) looks on my husband's and my dog's face after I woke them up for the fourth time with my late-night activities. It certainly was a moment of humor in the midst of the torment.

We survived, nobody else caught it (miracle!!), and we live to tell another story of this life as we know it...

Moose Tracks

I was making a dessert today which involved Mayfield Moose Tracks ice cream, and had a momentary flashback to a time in my life where things weren't quite so "illuminated" in regards to my future. My then-boyfriend (now-husband) and I were in the aftermath of a really tough break-up, and I was having a tough time getting a handle on what exactly God was doing in my life.

It was late at night, and I was sleepless and in a somber mood, thinking about all that had transpired in the relationship and wondering what in the world was going to happen between us. I went hunting in the dorm for something sweet and stumbled upon a carton of Mayfield Moose Tracks ice cream in the kitchen.

It wasn't mine, but it was perfect. I took it back to the Commons area, sat in the middle of the couch, turned on a really sappy movie, ate all the peanut butter cups out of the ice cream and cried until I had no more tears left. Then I put the leftover ice cream (with no peanut butter cups left) back into the freezer. It was a totally heathen thing to do, and I never confessed to the true owner of the ice cream. In fact, it's been my secret until now...

I look back on it and wonder just exactly how amused God was at my ridiculously young and immature self. I hope he was laughing at me, sitting in my puddle of tears stuffing my face with Moose Tracks peanut butter cups, wondering if "life would ever be okay again." It's amazing how quickly we humans lose sight of the bigger picture, forgetting that every single piece of broken glass fits into the huge stained-glass window that he is making from our shattered hopes and dreams.

To this day, a carton of Moose Tracks makes me laugh, and reminds me how incredibly BIG our God is. To my friend to once owned a carton of Moose Tracks ice cream with no peanut butter cups...I am truly sorry!!

Happy Days

Last night, I took a MAJOR leap out of my comfort zone, put on a 50's dress, and sang my heart out like the fun-lovin', extroverted June Carter look-alike that I became. Luckily, there were no video cameras, and not many in the crowd that knew me for who I really am, which eased the pressure a teeny tiny bit. My little duet with Johnny Cash kicked off a fun-filled night of 50's karaoke, diner milkshakes, fries, onion rings and Orange Crush (in the bottle!) - it was a blast!

We did manage to get a picture, if only for the sake of remembering the good ol' days!!

"Jessie & the Lawbreaker"
(our official band name)

A Little More Marriage, Please

We've had a very full week, as I look back on it, but it's been full of the goodness of God in the midst of all of our busyness. We've used four babysitters in the past five days - a habit I am definitely not accustomed to! But all in all, God has used this week to stretch our little family just a little bit more, growing us all into who He most certainly intends for us to be.

Tomorrow, my husband and I will enlist a babysitter once again, as we begin the first of an 8-week series focused on strengthening and encouraging marriages in our community. Every Sunday night for the next two months, we are committing to leave E home (with an awesome sitter) in order to prioritize each other and give God an opportunity to deepen our commitment to one another. I'm looking forward to the many ways He is going to both challenge us and bless us in these moments.

Apparently, my post about Marriage vs. Parenting struck a chord with many people in the same boat. I will be the first one to admit that it is sometimes really hard to serve my husband in the way I know that God intends, simply because my intensely strong history of serving myself grabs hold of my heart and head when I am not being intentional about my actions. We all have our struggles; letting my husband know that I respect him, that I admire him, that I am proud of him is simply one of mine.

So I am praying to become a wife of noble character. I am praying that I will be open to my husband's deep pleasure in me. I am praying that I will be responsive to his pursuit of me. I am praying for an ever-increasing love for him. Even more so, I am praying for an increase in all of these things in my relationship with my first love, Jesus Christ, so that I may learn from him all that I want to know more fully in my relationship with my husband.

(Note: This is certainly not a suggestion that our marriage is in crisis. We are so blessed, and he is absolutely without a doubt my best friend in the whole world, a better husband than I could have ever dreamed of, and the perfect dad for E's tender little spirit. I simply have this unexplained burning in my heart that there is more out there for us than what we currently have, and I want it!!!)