Talking Sticks

Today as we pulled out of the parking lot of the church on our way home, I heard E in the backseat...'I love you so much, mommy.' This indescribable feeling swelled up in my heart - I mean, there is nothing in this whole world that compares to hearing your own child say those words - so I turned back to her and said, 'Baby, I love you so much too!' She quickly replied, 'NO! Not youuuu, mommy - this mommy.' And she pointed to the two sticks she had managed to pick up and sneak into the car - one of those clearly being the 'mommy' stick and the other being the child, I guess.

I mean, sure.......I would've loved to have been the intended recipient of that outward expression of her affection, but it was enough to know that even in the imaginary world that she's beginning to create, genuine love is expressed in families. And even if I don't get a direct 'I love you' every day, it's still sweetly affirming that if even sticks love their mommies...maybe little girls do too. ;)

When conversations with God don't go as planned.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:

J?
I'm not listening.
J?
Not listening!
J?
God - I know you want to talk to me about my frustrations with my husband. And right now, I just want to stay mad at him forever. And if I talk to you, I know I won't be able to do that. So....as I said, I'm NOT listening. (So I turned the praise music up louder.......to hear Kari Jobe singing......and God laughing in the background)

At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart; yes, You've won my heart
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty 
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross

God?
Yes, J?
I'm ready to listen. It's just that I miss him, I wish he weren't gone so much. I wish I could be sure that he wanted to be here more. I wish...
You're not really ready to listen, are you?
Sorry. I'm ready.
J, you've been doing a lot of comparing lately. A lot of comparing the behavior you perceive in him to what you would wish it to be. A lot of comparing of how much he's giving into the "family" to what you've been giving. And he keeps coming up short in your mind...so you're frustrated, right?
Yes! So you see it too? Oh, I should've been listening to you sooner, God! You really do understand....
You're not listening, again.
Oh. 
As I was saying, you've been doing a lot of comparing...but you've not been doing the right comparing. You've been operating as though you are the righteous one, as though you are the one who has the power to forgive, as though you are the one in control. And, beloved - I love you dearly, but you are missing the point. 'No one is righteous, no, not one.' (Rom 3:10) That was the reason I had to send Jesus. Through Jesus, I have given you a severe mercy, a mercy that as a follower of Christ you are to extend to others. 'Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' (Col 3:12-13) Dear one, the only justification for comparison that you will find in the cross of Christ is in how much a reflection you are toward others of the great mercies you have found in Me. In how much you love others. In how willing you are to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No other comparisons can be made, for no one is worthy according to their own merit. 
Oh, God. Wow. I really screwed this one up, didn't I?
I love you, dear one. I have been working in his heart too. Go to him. Trust me. Honor me in your heart and in your words and I will go before and behind you. 'Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

Things you need a mom for.

There are things in this world that you just need a mom for. In light of the fact that I am REALLY thankful for her today for coming up and being "Nana" for a day while I escaped these four walls(!!), I'd thought I'd list a few:

-Moms just really "get" you - even when you don't think they ever could
-Moms only get better with age at lovin' on little ones - exploration, excitement, doing things over and over and over and over and over and over......
-Moms can (apparently) lead your child to a 100% successful pottying day on the first day they arrive (even though you've been trying to get there for five days......)
-Only your mom can give it to you straight without offending you in the slightest (because you know deep down they really do care)
-Moms never stop wanting to become a better person - love more deeply, serve more intently, give more freely

I really love my mom. :)

Well, we almost made it.

I've got some really amazing friends and have had a lot of support over the past few days via Facebook, one of the social media connections of these days. Since we had been having such a successful day at home with potty training (and even a successful grocery store trip!), I wanted to let these awesome friends know. So I did the one thing I shouldn't have...I posted this as my status:

"I think we've mastered 'pottying at home,' folks."

Anyone with a sense of humor knows exactly what happened next. Yeah.

So, with a newfound humble spirit, and a renewed realization that on this Earth, our goal is not perfection, but oneness with the One Who is perfect (thanks, R) - we started over. 

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. -John 17:22-23

Evidence of Success

Because I will not remember anything about these days when E is grown and potty training her own stubborn little girl ;), I thought I might need to post some proof that today was, actually, a very good day for E. But since this is a public forum, and not simply a place for private musings, I thought I should preface this post with a very important statement.

Yes - this is as creative as it gets in my household.


I can crochet according to a pattern, I can color between the lines - I can build just about anything as long as I have directions.....but nothing in my brain tells me how to create something 'cutesy' out of nothing. So to all my kindergarten teacher friends and other friends who are able to make something beautiful out of nothing, don't hate on my attempt at bringing my two-year-old some joy, k? :)

Day 1 - Pretty good success, LOTS of prompting and prodding
Day 2 - The dip in performance is evident, I believe
Day 3 - Beginning to show signs of independence!!

This is not how it was meant to be.

Today I came face to face with 'mini-me.' A 3-ft version of myself, stubborn and unyielding to any pressure to do what I asked. To say this complicated Day 2 of potty training is an understatement. All in all, our statistics for today are better than yesterday, but my cup at the end of this day is bone dry and my patience is paper thin. I truly believe my child has had more sugar in these past two days than in her whole life up to this point.

I struggle with the notion sometimes that "this is not how it was meant to be." That - in an ideal world - it wouldn't matter all that much if she potty-trained quickly, because we would be able to work on this gradually, over the course of time, allowing her to move at her own pace and learn in her own time. Part of me does feel that cramming a developmental milestone into a matter of five days is an offense to the Maker - that it's probably not the way He designed it to happen and therefore the parties involved in such a crime feel more stress, more burden, and less joy from the experience as a matter of consequence. However, here we are. The choices that I've made in life (in obedience and disobedience to God's will for me) have led me to this moment and to these five days of insanity. I truly believe that He has called me to my current occupation as a social worker. And as such, I do not have the ability to offer E the luxury of a slow and gradual achievement of this developmental milestone - I will have to return to my regular hours on Monday, hoping that she is able to fly from the nest with a newfound confidence in herself. I am definitely praying for peace and patience and an abundance of grace and love for her, so that she and I can navigate these few days with as little stress and as much joy as God will provide. I trust that just as God blesses and gives grace to other situations in which man has thwarted God's original design, He is more than capable of proving His power and might in our 'little bitty world.'

She's a big kid now.

Today we started potty training in the "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus" way. The way in which there is no turning back. The way in which we repeat the same four lines over and over and over and over and over and over again. You might have to have been raised Southern Baptist (it's a hymn I sang once a month growing up)...but it's a pretty good description of what our day has been like here in the Bost house.

I have never in my life been so excited about putting a 75-cent pull-up on my child (only to be thrown away a few mere hours later) as I was this afternoon at 2pm. She had done much better than I'd ever expected, but potty training is a T-E-D-I-O-U-S task, and my strengths definitely do not lie in disciplined activities over a long period of time.

So here was my plan:
- 'Clean and Dry' checks to her bottom/play area every 15 mins to see if she was holding it; one chocolate chip rewarded for being 'clean and dry'
- Bubbles ONLY when E sat at the potty and attempted (one time she sat there for 45 mins just blowing bubbles and catching them with me....actually some really precious time with my sweet girl)
- An additional piece of candy for successfully tee-teeing in the potty (3 pieces for pooping)
- Sticker chart for successful pottying
- Naked from the waist down (E)
- No "forcing" her to sit on the potty - just letting natural consequences take effect when she had an accident (cleaning up after herself, cleaning the floor, etc.) and making potty time really fun so she would want to stay and try for a long enough time


Here's how it worked today:
3 - accidents (in the morning - she stayed dry all afternoon!)
1 - 'watch me, mom' episode that thankfully I was able to end abruptly and scoot her off to finish in the potty
1 - completely and totally independent, successful tee-tee in the potty
9 - stickers for making it to the potty in time!! (she got 3 at once for pooping)
1 - 'clean and dry' check for mom (E walked up behind me, swiped my bottom, and asked "Mom, are you clean and dry?" Once she confirmed that I was, she offered me a piece of 'play' chocolate from her kitchenette :)
4,000 - 'clean and dry' checks for E (1 check every 15 mins for the whole day - I'm too tired to do the math, but 4000 feels about right)
3,500 - chocolate chips awarded to E for being 'clean and dry'
9 - pieces of candy for making it to the potty (yes....in ADDITION to the chocolate chips.....)
1 - bowl of ice cream for her first success (Thanks, G!!)
4 - cups of coffee for me so that I could keep up with the 2-yr-old on the sugar high

All in all, actually a really successful "first" day of potty training. The best memory I think will be the continuous chocolate mustache she wore, evidence of her success at not having an accident. Day 1 down...4 more to go!