When conversations with God don't go as planned.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I had a conversation with God that went something like this:

J?
I'm not listening.
J?
Not listening!
J?
God - I know you want to talk to me about my frustrations with my husband. And right now, I just want to stay mad at him forever. And if I talk to you, I know I won't be able to do that. So....as I said, I'm NOT listening. (So I turned the praise music up louder.......to hear Kari Jobe singing......and God laughing in the background)

At the foot of the cross, where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart; yes, You've won my heart
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty 
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross

God?
Yes, J?
I'm ready to listen. It's just that I miss him, I wish he weren't gone so much. I wish I could be sure that he wanted to be here more. I wish...
You're not really ready to listen, are you?
Sorry. I'm ready.
J, you've been doing a lot of comparing lately. A lot of comparing the behavior you perceive in him to what you would wish it to be. A lot of comparing of how much he's giving into the "family" to what you've been giving. And he keeps coming up short in your mind...so you're frustrated, right?
Yes! So you see it too? Oh, I should've been listening to you sooner, God! You really do understand....
You're not listening, again.
Oh. 
As I was saying, you've been doing a lot of comparing...but you've not been doing the right comparing. You've been operating as though you are the righteous one, as though you are the one who has the power to forgive, as though you are the one in control. And, beloved - I love you dearly, but you are missing the point. 'No one is righteous, no, not one.' (Rom 3:10) That was the reason I had to send Jesus. Through Jesus, I have given you a severe mercy, a mercy that as a follower of Christ you are to extend to others. 'Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' (Col 3:12-13) Dear one, the only justification for comparison that you will find in the cross of Christ is in how much a reflection you are toward others of the great mercies you have found in Me. In how much you love others. In how willing you are to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No other comparisons can be made, for no one is worthy according to their own merit. 
Oh, God. Wow. I really screwed this one up, didn't I?
I love you, dear one. I have been working in his heart too. Go to him. Trust me. Honor me in your heart and in your words and I will go before and behind you. 'Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

An Answered Prayer

This post is dedicated to my friend, M, for being there for me in a BIG way today.

Tonight on the way home, I stopped by the grocery store to grab a few staples - milk, yogurt, etc. While there, my husband texted: he was in the mood for some ice cream. So when I'd gone through my list, I finished off my shopping in the frozen foods aisle.

As I made my decisions, a man walked up beside me and grabbed some ice cream as well, making an off-hand comment about whether or not I like Haagen Dazs. I smiled politely and replied that it didn't really matter to me - I was just looking for certain flavors. He kept talking and I kept looking for my ice cream, being polite but not overly friendly, but getting a little more uncomfortable with the fact that he kept talking to me. As I was walking away, he said, "I'm going to do something for you - I'm going to buy you this Haagen Dazs ice cream."

"No, that's alright," I replied.

But he insisted. "I'll just have to find you after I check out, and give this to you," he continued.

"I'm checking out now," I told him. I really just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could without him following me.

"Well, I am too," he said. As he followed me from the ice cream aisle to the check-out line, he started to ask more personal questions like where I was from and where I'd gone to school. And somewhere in those few steps, I began to PANIC. I needed a rescue. I needed to get to my car without him seeing where I was parked. I needed to know he wasn't scoping me out like a predator seeks out unsuspecting women. I needed God to miraculously intervene on my behalf. I prayed for all these things as I scanned my yogurt and my milk and my ice cream.

As I finished paying, mind racing with what to do next, afraid to lift my eyes, I heard a voice, "Hey, J!" And I looked up and met eyes with one of my husband's good buddies. Honest to goodness, I felt like kissing him...but I didn't. ;) When his wife (and my friend), M, walked up behind him, though, I hugged her tightly while quickly explaining the sketchy situation and begging her to walk me to her car in case the man followed me to the parking lot. She got her keys from her husband, and we walked toward the door together. We passed the man, who extended the ice cream to me, but clearly picked up the signals that I was finished with our conversation. As we walked to the car, I recounted all that had happened while she watched for signs of the man following us. When she determined that he was nowhere to be seen, we redirected to my car to load the groceries.

I know some people would've been more verbally combative with him - I'm not great with words under pressure, so I did what I always do: shut down and walk away. Some people I know would have noticed those red flags a LOT sooner than I did - it's true that I was definitely naive to the potential peril. However it happened, though - I do know one thing for sure: my God was my Deliverer tonight. He answered my prayer - overtly and immediately. He protected me from what was certainly a sketchy, if not dangerous, situation. And He loves me. He really, really loves me.

Our God is a God of salvation, and to GOD, the Lord, belong deliverances from death. -Psalm 68:20

Being Real is Scary

This vulnerability thing really is a tough one for me. I'm always surprised when someone opens up and shares something precious to them with me - I don't have incredible social skills, so I've always wondered what happened to get us to a place where they felt like they could trust me with such valuable information. But I listen. I pray. I try very hard to let God do the judging and the correcting and the teaching, and I simply take in. I pray again that they don't ask for my advice - my social skills don't usually let me move quickly enough to be able to offer something of value. I'm a processor, not a reactor. I don't take sides quickly because honestly it takes me a while to even figure out what the game is and decide if I should be in it or on the sidelines.

I've sat down at the computer what seems like a million times over the past couple of weeks to write down some of the thoughts swirling through my brain. I've got a lot that I really want to capture in writing - a lot about life, a lot about lessons I'm learning, a lot about some great people that I'm learning valuable lessons from, a lot about this incredible family that God has blessed me with. But every time I sit down, my hands freeze on the keypad. As much as I want to say what is going on in this brain of mine, I'll admit that sometimes I'm just a little terrified that there's a person out there reading my words as if I'm something other than a sinner saved by grace. I get nervous when I look back over my older posts and realize I've said something that could've been taken offensively or made a side comment that might not have represented Jesus the way that I mean to. I hate that one phrase or even one word could be held against me forever simply because I decided to write it down. It's vulnerable. It's scary. It's something that my flesh has been fighting against for a while now.

It's easy most days to write about E. She's young, mostly innocent of wrong, and her life is filled with joy on most occasions. But parenting is not my highest calling - loving God with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength is. It's easy to get confused sometimes and start working out my salvation on my own terms by doing the things that come most natural to me. What comes natural is different for everybody, but for me, parenting seems to come pretty naturally at this stage of life. It's tempting to throw all of my effort and energy into the task of being a mom, and I'll be honest - really rewarding on most days. It's harder to serve a God that I can't pin down and isn't controlled by my behavioral psychology - I must submit to HIS ways and trust HIS goodness, even when I can't explain it in any tangible or logical way. (Side note: If I served a God I could control in any way, He would be inferior to my power; therefore NOT A GOD. Just sayin'.)

So I've been asking myself this question...why do I write if it is so scary? Why am I compelled to put my thoughts into words even though I hold my breath every time I press the "post" button? Is it because I want to capture moments of life that I don't want to ever forget? Is it for the benefit of future generations? Is it for the family members that live too far away to see E regularly?

Yes........but ultimately, no. I write because God tells me to. In the end, I am accountable to Him and Him Alone. He is the One who knows and is able to judge the intentions of my heart with every word I write. I hope that one day future generations will be able to look back and see a great grandmother's life lived out before her True King, but even if they do not, I am here now - doing this one thing in obedience to my Savior and God. My ultimate hope is to glorify Him through the words that I write. If I take a social misstep here or there, well - that is all definitely easy for this gal to do now and again. I hold to these words as a reminder of my God who will forever have His mighty grip on me:

"I am glad He is God... and I am not.
He knows... when I do not know.
He is able... when I am not able.
He does it... when I can't do it.
He loves when I do not even know where to begin... and keeps on loving even when I fall short."

Soli deo gloria!!

The Heart Issue

E is SOOOO "2." Bossiness, saying "No" all the time to everything, wanting to do it all herself, craving control and independence and an opportunity to claim her stake in this world.

As she becomes more and more self-aware and able to reflect a little bit on the reasons for her behavior, discipline is definitely changing in our home.

I'm really appreciating what Dr. Tedd Tripp offers young parents who are struggling with how to raise a child biblically in his book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, and in the corresponding Parent's Handbook. He pours Scripture into the pages, and helps me remember that this parenting job isn't just about controlling a wild-eyed, havoc-wreaking little monster. Instead, he brings me back to focusing on helping her work through her sin-ravaged little heart to be able to come to a place where God can speak grace and light into her spirit and soul, and she will recognize Him as the willing, powerful, Savior of her sin. I get SO caught up in the very thing that Jesus talks about in Matthew 23:25-28 - and find myself being such a hypocrite sometimes as I tend to cherish the cleanliness of the outside of her cup without taking note of the the inside of her heart.

This is definitely a tough one for me, and something I have to take to Jesus every day.

Closer Than You Think

Less than 24 hours after L got back from Egypt, we were in the car and on the way to spend Thanksgiving at my parents’ new cabin. E was fast asleep in the backseat, and we were cruising along when we came upon an accident that had probably happened only mere minutes prior to our arrival. A really bad one. There were cars spread to the sides of the road and plenty of people on the scene, and it didn’t appear that they needed any help. We were at a crossroads and able to easily do a U-turn and find another route. But something kept us glued there. We said nothing. I prayed and prayed as I watched a team of five young guys pull another young man through the drivers side window of a decimated Rodeo. And still we sat there.

I’m not sure how long it took us to actually turn the car around. When we did, though, I noticed a sign in front of the church on top of the hill right where the accident occured: “ETERNITY IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK.” Now, as a rule, I really am not a fan of church signs. In most cases, I think they repel more people than they attract. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake the poignancy of that sign, the realness of the whole scene, the unknown futures of those sitting at the bottom of that hill.

Few things could have left L and I silent after a week and a half of no communication, but that was one of them. We drove in total silence for over fifteen minutes. When he finally did speak, it was in remembrance of “Shannon,” a story for another day that has left a mark in our history.

Without foreshadowing doom, Eternity really is closer than we think. And there is only One answer to what is waiting for us after this life here on Earth, and that is the Judgment of the One True and Holy God. And the everlasting grace and mercy that is ours if we only believe in the life sacrifice of His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ, who was fully God and then submitted to the Father to come to Earth as fully human in the form of a baby, growing up perfectly obedient to His Father’s Will, and through that obedience dying on the cross for our sins, and then three days later being raised from the dead by the awesome power of our God, so that anyone who believes in Him shall be judged righteous on the day “Eternity” begins for us.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life.” -John 3:16

Me and My Big Mouth

tact'ful-ness n.: 1. consideration in dealing with others and avoiding giving offence; 2. a gifting that I apparently lack

My husband (and my dad, for that matter) could look directly into another persons eyes and tell them they were the meanest person with the most rotten attitude and uneven ears and they would tear up, hug them and thank them for being so awesomely genuine and loving them as a person. It's an unbelievably wonderful gift...that I do not have.

Now, seriously, they would never say exactly those things, but God has truly given these men of my life a way with the spoken word. In the face of an opportunity to share what's on my heart, I find myself often making excuses before the burning bush just like Moses once did, "But...um, God? Don't you remember that I don't speak well at all?"

So it happened again tonight - one of those "Moses Moments." I opened my mouth at the wrong time in the wrong place and apparently said the wrong words. Three strikes and I'm out. I totally offended a friend of mine (unbeknownst to me at the time), and I'm praying tonight for grace to cover my multitude of sins and wisdom to figure out where to go from here. One thing's for sure: this handicap of mine definitely forces humility on me (and makes me ever-so-thankful for my incredible husband).

And...as if humility weren't enough, God so graciously provided some conviction as well (this was waiting for me when I got home tonight as part of my daily reading):

"A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. " James 3:3-6 (The Message)

Lay ME Down

L has been in Egypt now for six days. He has tried and tried in vain to establish an internet connection so that we could converse via Skype. Though I can receive his texts, he can't receive mine, so we've had kind of a one-sided conversation since he left. Every little bit helps though.

Thinking about the physical distance that has separated us for this short time, I am reminded of some of my favorite Sandra McCracken lyrics, from a song she penned after long stretches of being apart from her husband; words that resonate with how I feel often times when L and I are apart:

All the miles between us
they say that’s just the way it goes
time is no friend to lovers
stretched like the line that hangs the clothes
but we walk the distance another day
the rope is thin but does not give way

And I can hear the band of angels singing now
like a story from the page is read aloud
but this is not make believe...

I’d rather have the mystery and the madness and the rains
cause hell’s the only place you can be free of all love’s pain

I have no claim on the future
so here I lay me down
and God is a friend to lovers
he makes the bone, the flesh, the ground
and he walks with us, make no mistake
and holds us when our hearts, they break

So, here I lay ME down. ME and all my wishes for that warm spot to return to my bed (the one that doesn't shed, anyway). ME and all my desires to share my day-to-day experiences with my soulmate. ME and all my desires to have a co-laborer to cook dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, and rake leaves. ME and all my desires to be wrapped up into the arms of the one I love at this very moment. Here I lay ME down, knowing that God is walking with me, purposing these moments, and providing for my every need.

Hope Does Not Disappoint

We live in a world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce, no matter what circles you run in. It's sad and it's frustrating to accept the reality that, unless you stick your head in the sand, you WILL be faced with marriages in crisis. And if you DO stick your head in the sand, you'd probably better be prepared to accept that it could be yours. (In other words, NO ONE is immune)

My husband and I, over the past year, have walked this road with THREE couples that we know. We have cried innumerable tears over the betrayal, the pain, the loss, and the depths of despair they have faced. We have begged God for mercy, we have begged God for fresh wind, we have begged God to change the things only He can control. I am especially burdened for a new friend of mine that is walking this road as I type, and I am praying these words over her as I plead with God to give her and her husband HOPE for a future that is greater than they could possibly imagine:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~Romans 5:3-5

He has been and continues to be an exceedingly good and gracious God to our friends. He has healed, he has restored, and he has strengthened marriages each and every time. What the Enemy has meant for destruction, He has purposed from the very beginning of time for their good and His Glory, and it has been an unbelievable blessing to be able to watch God show off in our friend's lives in ways that can only be attributed to His Power and His Grace. I have no doubt that He will continue to be faithful, that He will continue to make His will known among His people, and that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts. I have hope that He will not disappoint us, because of His unfailing love.

What an INCREDIBLE God we are free to love and know and serve!


**On that note, I cannot say enough wonderful words about my friends at WinShape Retreat/WinShape Marriage. They believe in a Great and Mighty God who desires to see each and every marriage healed, restored, and transformed so that we - husbands and wives - can bear the image of the intimacy and perfect love Jesus will one day lavish perfectly upon His Bride. Every year, my husband and I spend a weekend at Retreat, sharing in the experience of what WinShape has to offer...it is a truly extraordinary place.

Mixing Rocks Into Soil

It's my birthday. E sang the birthday song to me no less than nine times, a frequent reminder of the blessing of sharing this special day with my family. My husband made breakfast, we all went on a hike (it was an unbelievably gorgeous day), we had lunch downtown, my parents took me out to dinner, I ate cake TWICE, received tons of birthday messages and some incredible news via Facebook, got several very sweet and thoughtful gifts from my friends and my hubby...all in all, a really great day.

Yet, all the above activities were accompanied by sadness - in a small way - as my husband packed, drove to the airport, and departed for a 10-day missions excursion to Cairo, Egypt. As I write, he is on a plane crossing the Atlantic.

I am praying and praying that I will not miss out on the purposes God has for me during this time of physical separation from my husband. I know He is doing a work in my heart, and that this small part of the journey is important for Him to grow in me a deeper desire for and joy in Him alone, an opportunity for me to send my roots down deeper into the fertile soil of Life in Him.

As I pondered these things tonight, I was reminded of an illustration that the Bible alludes to several times in regards to the grapevine. If you ever spend some time with a good vintner, you will notice that, in some cases, he or she will plant rocks among the soil where a grapevine grows, in order to force the vine to run its roots deep into the ground, where it will be able to find the most nutrients and a more stable supply of water. Likewise, God plants "rocks" into the soil of our lives to stretch us, to grow us, to cause us to run our roots deeper and deeper into the wealth of His Being, where we will find the Living Water - the only Water that can truly heal and sustain our lives. What a loving God - who knows exactly how to tend to our souls and cultivate the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts, even when it is tough and sometimes hurtful in the process.

This is the kind of God that I want to get to know more during these next ten days. The kind of God who knows me so intimately that I can be sure He has purposed these days long before I was even born. The kind of God who is - I am certain - on the edge of His seat as He looks in anticipation at the new things I will discover about Him as I learn how to lean on His grace and His mercy over the next week. The only God who could, would, and will ever look at me and see nothing but righteousness and the glory of His Son over me, and because of that, love me fiercely and fight for me tirelessly.

---------------------------------

Some sweet memories from today:

My AWESOME birthday present from my rockin' husband

Playing with Indiana at the Reservoir

SHAKE!!!

L leaving for Cairo

Part of L's Cairo Team (minus E) :)

Let the Games Begin

Tonight we did a little "test run" for the potty training that will begin at dawn tomorrow. In 30 minutes, we had three melt-downs and changed clothes four times. We finally ended with a warm bath, a little bit of a movie, a few books, and then bedtime.

So......I'm adding a new prayer to the list for L's trip to Egypt: that I will be able to keep my sanity during the throes of potty training.

Praying for Cairo

Last night I went to a prayer meeting for a team of men and women who will be going on a missions trip to Cairo, Egypt next week - a team that includes my husband.

L has traveled quite a bit in our five years of marriage, both nationally and internationally, so I'm already praying about a few major things that affect us each time he's gone:

1 - Our little one. Though I'm getting more used to the feeling of doing life without his physical presence for a few days, she is (I think) going to miss him more than she ever has. She is really starting to develop a sweet relationship with her daddy, and has learned that he is the giver of life in regards to playing, laughing, and being silly together. And because she thrives on those things, it's going to be tough to not have him around for twelve days.

2 - A spirit of humility. It's tough to submit to the fact that, for twelve days, God has designed that there are more important places for my husband and E's daddy to be than home with us. We need him here, we want him here - he is vitally important to our home. So it's difficult to submit to God and allow my husband to serve others instead of us for a brief time. (It sounds horribly selfish to say, doesn't it? Oh well...it's the honest truth).

3 - A spirit of dependence. This is probably the biggest one for me. A true Type-A, it's easy for me to take control. When L is gone for an extended period of time, its easier to take control of his responsibilities and do it all myself than it is to lean on God and others and allow them to minister to me during his absence. What this effectively does is work L out of a job as a husband and a daddy (because I'm doing it all and therefore do not need his help), and makes it really tough for us to come back together as a team once he is home.

These are a few of the things that a sweet team of prayer warriors prayed over L and his team last night. Among the many other things were for God to do a mighty work in the hearts of the team members and those they are going to serve, for safe and efficient travels, and for peace and trust in times that things don't go as planned. These things I am lifting up to a mighty God Who goes before us and makes a way for his people, a loving God Who desires that the world may know Him, a good God who knows and provides for our every need even before we know it ourselves.

Family Times

E is - *sniff* - getting a little bit older every day. Though I LOVE to see the growth in her, it's almost like drinking water from a fire hydrant right now...she is changing so rapidly it's hard to keep up. Whereas three months ago she had barely broken English (and lots of Chinese), she is now starting to speak in completely intelligible sentences. Three months ago she was slurping apple sauce from her fingers at the dinner table; tonight she refused to eat without a fork. We've gone from choking on apples (no matter how small) to eating chopped pieces without peeling to eating slices with the peeling to eating straight off the tree and now back to demanding pieces without peeling because she's decided she "prefers" it that way. She potties in the toilet on command (leaving this mama with no choice other than to suck it up and delve into the world of potty training before I miss my glorious window of opportunity).

All this surge of understanding has prompted me to once again raise the bar for how intentional we are being about sharing Jesus with E. Though she's probably not quite yet ready to grasp the full understanding of some of the things we'll talk about, I think we're ready to start having some dedicated "Family Time" to learn about some of the lessons the Bible has to teach us. Dr. Tripp calls it "Formative Instruction." I certainly am not suggesting that we are going to teach E that we only talk about Jesus at certain, structured times - that's not the goal at all. I'm just, as a first-time mom, trying to figure out what it all looks like for our family to get to know Jesus, with the help of some wisdom from other parents and spiritual leaders who have gone before me.

This month, we are starting with a tool called "Family Times," published by the reThink Group. There are certainly some things in it that are way beyond E's scope for understanding right now - but one thing for certain is that I don't ever want to underestimate how much she is capable of grasping about God. There are certain things included in the set - like note cards that you can write a little note on to send in your child's lunch or leave on their breakfast plate when you leave for work - that I wish I'd started last year even. It's never to early to let your child know how and why you think she is special.

One thing I hope never to forget, though, is that the command that God gives in Deuteronomy 6:6 is the precursor for the one He gives in 6:7. First is the need for me to hold his commands in my heart. If it's not my faith, then I can't give it or show it or live it for my children. They are certainly not going to want anything that I claim to believe in but don't choose to follow in my deeds. If the faith that I have isn't living and breathing before them, all the books and tools and curriculums I do to help them get to know Jesus and be a good person is only going to leave them spiritually dead.

Lord, thank you for the amazing grace you have given to me! Thank you for dying on the cross and saving me from the death that I deserved. Give me Your strength to live out each day by walking in Your love, under the watershed of Your grace. May the things that I strive to teach E about you only be bolstered by the life of faith that I live out before her, and in the places where I fail to meet up to Your holy standard, please help me to humble myself before her as Your grace shines through to meet her wholly and perfectly when I cannot.

Hesistant Obedience

I was in a local store the other day doing some random shopping when I stumbled upon a winter jacket that I have been trying to find for the past two years. It was exactly what I had been looking for - thick, quilted coat with the faux fur removable hood, longer length, mocha brown color, ON SALE; it was perfect. One problem: I was out of budget money for clothing, for gifts, and for "me" purchases. There was really nothing left that I could use to spend on this item. I pulled it off the rack anyway and walked through the rest of the store with it in my buggy, thinking, "Maybe I'll just get the okay from God anyway, and then I can find a way to justify it with my husband."

No such luck. I finished with the rest of my shopping and returned to the same clothing rack with my jacket in hand. I tried it on - it was a perfect fit. I literally had a conversation with God in my head: "I can put it away and use it as a Christmas present, right?" "I need a jacket like this" "I've waited two years to find this jacket for less than $80 somewhere!" And on and on. At one point in time I put it in my buggy and walked on, deciding that I would just buy it anyway, certain that I wasn't hearing the Holy Spirit correctly, unbelieving that He could be telling me to walk away from the steal of the century on a jacket I'd wanted for years. I got up to the checkout counter, loaded all my items on the belt, then of course had to walk all the way back to the back of the store to hang that stupid jacket back up, because I chickened out in the end. I mean, really - did I actually think I was going to be able to walk out of that store in complete rebellion against God who saved my soul from eternal death...over a $80 jacket?!?!

I flipped open my Bible tonight to Hebrews 12 and then remembered something that Matt Chandler said last week at Catalyst: "Every bit of hesitancy in obedience is a beckoning of God to go deeper." I think the other day maybe it had nothing to do with that jacket; maybe it was a test from God to see if I was willing to go a little deeper with Him. Praise His graciousness - in that moment, I chose Him. And it's bittersweet - there's a small, self-loving part of me that still wants that stinkin' jacket. But I want Him more. And my heart rings with the fact that my actions (for that one brief moment in time) matched my heart's cry: to choose Him above all else.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's amazing how quickly I can go from a loving, gracious mommy to a short-tempered, legalistic dictator. Ugh. It's kind of depressing, actually.

I got a phone call from a rather antagonistic person yesterday that, frankly, left me flustered and angry. Hours later, it was obviously still brewing in my soul, and I found myself being very ungracious with E, even causing her to cry at one point of particular impatience.

Fast forward to tonight when I peeked into her room, 45 minutes past her bedtime, because she was still awake and talking. When I creeped up close to her bedside to see what was going on, she opened her eyes, looked at me sideways out of the corner of them, and started giggling. We laughed hysterically for the next five minutes.

Reflecting on my bipolar interactions with her over the past 24 hours reminds me of something Louie Giglio said last week, something that keeps coming back up for me. He gave the illustration of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the fact that after the crowd yells, "Move That Bus!!," the first thing that camera focuses on is not the house - the thing that the whole show has been apparently building up to - but the family's faces. Even though you're not able to see the actual house at first, you get excited because you see the house on the faces of the family members who are beholding it. Their thrill at the joy of this new house increases your desire to view it, tour it, analyze it, feel it.

When I am bothered by and focused on a cruddy conversation with a mean person, I reflect that in my face to E. She responds with tears, and rightfully so - what I am reflecting to her is anxiety and anger. When I tiptoed into her room tonight and was surprised by the joy and innocence of the precious gift God has given to me, I reflected that in my face back to E, and we laughed until we cried. What a reminder to me of how much my face affects those around me.

Jesus, when You said that we are to be a light to those around us, I think I'm realizing that what you meant is that we are to reflect the Light from its original source: You. When I spend time in the world, I begin to reflect the things of this world to those around me, things that are broken and shallow and hurtful. Draw me into You and lift my head up to Your Face, that I may see Your goodness and dwell in Your House. Restore my soul that I may shine Your Light to those around me. May my face reflect Your Glory, Lord, that those who see my face may be drawn toward the One who has set my feet to dancing and set my heart on fire!

Catalyst 2009

L and I are in Atlanta for Catalyst 2009. My head and heart are swimming with the refreshing, reenergizing, motivating, humbling, incredible Truth being proclaimed about what God has to say in regards to being a part of His plan here on planet Earth.

Tonight was an awesome time of being reminded by Aaron Keys and Francis Chan Who Jesus is and what He has done for me. The takeaway from tonight has definitely been the reminder that the Enemy will do whatever he can to make Jesus unappealing to those who are looking in on my life wondering why I subscribe to the whole "Christianity" thing. Satan is in the business of filling my mind and my life with enough stress and anxiety and stuff to cover up the joy and grace I should be constantly feeling in the embrace of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 5:8). Instead, Jesus is calling me to come boldly, yet humbly, before His Throne, giving Him everything that loads me up and weighs me down, trusting Him - in the right time - to give me ALL grace, to restore me, to confirm me, to strengthen me, and to establish me (1 Peter 5:6-7,10-11).

What an incredible promise to rest in tonight!!

I'd Like a Dirty Diaper with a Side of Humility, Please

I bumped into a college friend and his wife tonight who are expecting their first, and are getting ready to find out the sex of the baby within the next month. They were so cute - so bubbly and excited about being pregnant, wondering about girl or boy, looking forward to the stages of babyhood, etc.

All I could say to them is, "You're going to love it. Being a mom is one of the best things in the whole world." Which is definitely 100% true. What is nearly impossible to communicate, though, is just how humbling and life-changing being a parent is. That God's plan for parents is just as much about making us holy as it is about raising the children He gave us in the way He desires.

Today I did one of those things that I swore to myself I'd never do as a parent. E asked for something, I said no and began to offer an alternative, she started to whine, and - because we were in a restaurant with other people - I quickly gave in to her request...before I even realized what I was doing. It was SO EASY to just give in so that we didn't cause a scene. I caught - out of the corner of my eye - someone who'd witnessed the scene as they turned to the person to the side, noting the double-standards they'd just seen me portray to my child. And I wanted to crawl under the table and die.

We all have our moments, I guess. Our moments of weakness, our moments of inconsistency, our moments of airheadedness, our moments where we want to crawl under the table and die. Fortunately, though - God doesn't depend on our perfection in order to carry out His perfect plan for our children. In fact, if we allow Him, He uses our flaws to point to Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our children's faith. Our humility in times of mistakes can allow for the grace of the cross to sweep in and flood our children's hearts, even if our mistakes cause them pain. How 'bout that!?!?!

God in a Box

We're finite beings, so it is absolutely totally against our human nature to conceive of an infinite God. We simply cannot fully grasp that quality of his nature. If, at any given moment we are able to define and control "infinite," then either "infinite" would cease to exist and become irreversably "finite" or we would become God because of our all-knowingness. It's a concept that's been swimming around in my brain for a while: infinite-ness is one of those characteristics of God that shadows the full image of God.

So though it should be ridiculous to even consider placing an infinite God in a humanly-conceived box, we still do it - dare I say we must do it. We can't help it - and God knows and accepts us even in that. Some people's boxes may be a little smaller than others, or have different exceptions than others, but everybody perceives God, at least at some point in their lives, with limitations. Whether they do this on purpose or because of ignorance may be the only distinction.

I realized today that I was limiting God in my own ways. I'm a Martha-hearted girl in many areas; doing comes much more naturally than being. When I see or define a goal in my personal or professional life, I am much more inclined to lay out the steps needed to achieve that goal and then start checking them off the list than I am to simply lay it at the foot of the cross and trust God to move on my behalf in a way that would bring Him the most glory.

Today, God - like the ultimate chess player that He is - decided to move His "castle" instead of the "pawn" that I was expecting/anticipating. I had to take a step back in absolute awe of how incredibly inconceivable his workings are, and how much he truly cares for me and is moving on my behalf right now, not to mention how much more control He has than I had imagined in my little "box" that I had built around him. Now that box is stretched a little bit more in that area, and the God that I know and love today is a little bigger today in my finite head than He was yesterday. He is always and forever the infinite God who sits on the Throne in Heaven; just because my vantage point is limited by my humanity doesn't change that. But praise Him that He cares enough for me to allow me each day a bigger glimpse of that glory, even with my limitations!!

Eternity

I've been thinking a lot lately about E's eternity, and what all I can and must do to ensure that she chooses eternity with the God that I have come to know and believe and trust in and love. There is a small part of me that wants to believe that I have this kind of control...that I can do something - everything - right and thereby know that she will become a Christian.

But I don't have this control.

I don't.

And furthermore - I don't (in the end) really want it.

For what if I did? What if I had the power to ensure that someone would choose Christ and then I (because I am a self-loving human who doesn't always do the right thing) chose not to do what was necessary to bring a person to know Christ because it was tougher than I expected. If it was really up to me, how often would I fail? And if my failure damned them for eternity, how in the world could I myself then be worthy of eternal salvation?

Only our God has the power...praise Him!!! He alone is the One able to call our souls out of the death that sin caused. He alone is the One who extends grace, the One whom we are unable to resist when our souls hear his call. As a mom, my responsibility to E is not to do enough to save her, but to love my God wholly and completely before her each and every day, modeling for her all that Christ offers to us in God through his perfect sacrifice for all mankind. When I succeed at times, she gets a greater picture of our Holy God. When I fail, she understands the grace extended to us through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Amen!!!

To Meet a Lion

I think we all have a desire to be safe - free from harm, danger, risk, difficulty, hurt, loss, controversy or contradiction. It's probably honestly one of the things I value most in my life, and - I'm realizing - the one thing that I consistently choose over obedience to Christ.

I'm being blatantly confronted with just how much I truly value safety in my life, and how paralyzed I am by unsafety. The possibility of being unsafe quickens me to fear, to anxiety, to negative thinking, and many other self-defeating thoughts. I run away from people who, for one reason or another, have presented themselves unsafe by my standards, and I avoid danger and risk, hurt and loss at whatever cost to my spiritual and emotional growth.

In the midst of these battles, I am reminded of a passage from C.S. Lewis’ children’s book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which tells of the adventures of four children in the magical kingdom of Narnia. Jesus is represented by the lion Aslan. When in Narnia, the children meet Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, who describe the mighty lion to them.

“Is he a man?” asked Lucy.

“Aslan a man!” said Mr. Beaver sternly. Certainly not. I tell you he is King of the wood and the Son of the great emperor-beyond- the-sea. Don’t you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great lion.”

“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

It's terrifying to consider giving up my safety in order to approach the throne of the One Who is worthy of my praise. I don't want to lose everything I have. I don't want to risk injury to my physical or emotional being. I don't want to die. I don't want to be made a fool in front of others. I want God to guard me, to guarantee my security, to bless me, to be my personal bodyguard, my Santa Claus, my child's round-the-clock healer and babysitter.

I want the promise of Matthew 6:33 without the sacrifice first required. "Seek Me first, dear one...." And I'm met with the question, "Which do I value and trust more: His eternal goodness or my ephemeral security?"

WWJD

I don't typically wear Christian tees, I don't have any cross jewelry, and I haven't stuck a family of fish to the bumper of my car. I have many friends that do, though, with very honorable reasons for these actions. I certainly take no issue with those who use these tools as a reminder to themselves the kind of life God calls us to lead - I have a tattoo on my ring finger for the very same reason, so I'd be a hypocrite to suggest otherwise. My challenge sometimes is, however, whether these "treasures" inspire deep heart change or shallow self-focused actions.

Though we can gain a lot by studying the life of Jesus, modeling our lives after his, and serving others the way he did, we will still miss eternal life if we do not commit our hearts completely to him. Our actions must be inspired by a Godward heart, not the other way around. Simply doing the things that Jesus once did will not gain us eternal life, if we have not been bought by his blood. A person striving to do great things "for the benefit of the earth" is simply worshipping the Ruler of this Earth, not returning glory to the God who created the Earth and everything in it.

Jesus was a "good person," no doubt. But this was not his purpose. His purpose was to carry out the mission that God set him on this earth to do. His focus was on God and the step-by-step action of glorifying Him, not on surveying the crowd to see what miracles were available to be performed. His power and His authority to do great and miraculous things came from His total dependence on God the Father, not on His own judgment of the present situation. The cross symbol is valuable to us today first because Jesus hung on it in total submission to the Father and then because through Jesus' obedience God brought salvation to mankind. Through Jesus' complete and total obedient submission to the will of His Father, God is able to offer to me and to you His favor, but throughout the whole process, Jesus only knew His obedience was of far greater value than what He was able to understand.

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." ~Matthew 26:39

Father, I am really tempted some days to do things that would allow me to be seen as a "good person," without first stopping to scrutinize Who/who I am doing these things for. As a human, I want to be seen as successful, beautiful, notable, lovable, and trustworthy. As your child, I want to glorify You in everything that I do. Help keep my eyes from shifting away from your gaze, so that I don't start sinking into the waves of this world. I want you to get the glory for everything that you call me to do, whether it is seen favorably by this world or not.