Hesistant Obedience

I was in a local store the other day doing some random shopping when I stumbled upon a winter jacket that I have been trying to find for the past two years. It was exactly what I had been looking for - thick, quilted coat with the faux fur removable hood, longer length, mocha brown color, ON SALE; it was perfect. One problem: I was out of budget money for clothing, for gifts, and for "me" purchases. There was really nothing left that I could use to spend on this item. I pulled it off the rack anyway and walked through the rest of the store with it in my buggy, thinking, "Maybe I'll just get the okay from God anyway, and then I can find a way to justify it with my husband."

No such luck. I finished with the rest of my shopping and returned to the same clothing rack with my jacket in hand. I tried it on - it was a perfect fit. I literally had a conversation with God in my head: "I can put it away and use it as a Christmas present, right?" "I need a jacket like this" "I've waited two years to find this jacket for less than $80 somewhere!" And on and on. At one point in time I put it in my buggy and walked on, deciding that I would just buy it anyway, certain that I wasn't hearing the Holy Spirit correctly, unbelieving that He could be telling me to walk away from the steal of the century on a jacket I'd wanted for years. I got up to the checkout counter, loaded all my items on the belt, then of course had to walk all the way back to the back of the store to hang that stupid jacket back up, because I chickened out in the end. I mean, really - did I actually think I was going to be able to walk out of that store in complete rebellion against God who saved my soul from eternal death...over a $80 jacket?!?!

I flipped open my Bible tonight to Hebrews 12 and then remembered something that Matt Chandler said last week at Catalyst: "Every bit of hesitancy in obedience is a beckoning of God to go deeper." I think the other day maybe it had nothing to do with that jacket; maybe it was a test from God to see if I was willing to go a little deeper with Him. Praise His graciousness - in that moment, I chose Him. And it's bittersweet - there's a small, self-loving part of me that still wants that stinkin' jacket. But I want Him more. And my heart rings with the fact that my actions (for that one brief moment in time) matched my heart's cry: to choose Him above all else.