Our Chance

I am so in love with my husband. God is doing some pretty incredible things in his life right now, shaping him into a man I could never have even dreamed of, both spiritually and physically (shameless plug for our new CrossFitting life).

I haven't been privy to much conversation with him lately, since both of us have been plowing through the craziness of June. But one conversation we did have has been rocking my thoughts. His insight into one of the most pervasive questions of Christian Theology just floored me. He probably learned it from his Perspectives class (another shameless plug), but the fact that he didn't just hear it but also digested it and then turned around and articulated it to a fellow believer struggling with the authenticity of the gospel and our God just floors me. I love him.

The conversation he had centered around a pretty hot topic thanks to our friend, Mr. Bell: How is it fair that anyone who doesn't accept God within their lifetime on earth doesn't get to go to heaven? What about those people who didn't have a real chance at understanding who God is? And friends, it IS a valid question, and one that is answered in Genesis 3.

Here's the scene: Adam and Eve hanging out in the garden. Unhindered communication and communion with God. Stop. Say that again. Unhindered communication and communion with God. Some days I wonder what that must have been like for Eve. See, I don't really have any issue with whether or not God is who He says He is in a cerebral sense. It's the relational aspect of God that I get tangled up with. Talking to someone I can't see (I hate even just talking on the phone). Listening for someone that isn't physically present (just ask my husband sometime about my listening skills - if he's honest, he'll tell you they are better than they used to be...). Letting down my guard. Relationally I struggle with God sometimes. So to think of Adam and Eve and imagine that they could SEE God, that they could talk with God FACE to FACE, that they were shameless enough to stand naked before God each and every day. That's just crazy talk to me.

And then enter the serpent who offers Eve the ONE forbidden thing in the entire garden. Remember - Eve has no "fall-back" for why she chose the apple. It's not that she didn't know what was right - the serpent himself even reiterated what God had instructed in regards to that tree. It's not that she couldn't hear God's voice or wasn't sure what he was saying to her - she had unhindered communication with him. It's not that God was absent that day - she had unhindered communion with him (and the scene takes place in GOD's garden). It's not that she didn't understand why God didn't want her to eat that fruit (though apparently, "you will surely die" is not a good enough warning - anyone with a teenager can tell you that much I guess). Then what's the problem? Why in the world did she eat the stinkin' fruit???

The answer to that question reveals why every excuse for every person in the whole world who doesn't choose Jesus is really just that...an excuse. Because if Eve - who was a perfect human being, formed by the very hands of God himself, with a perfect husband, a perfect place to live, perfect things to eat, a perfect body (I'm just guessing here, but it follows the logic), perfect understanding of God - if PERFECT Eve chose in even one small moment to disobey God, who am I (or anyone else) to think that I have even one small shot at getting it right enough my whole life in order to gain admittance to heaven? See, Eve (and Adam) demonstrated what EVERY person will choose for themselves in the midst of temptation, regardless of the circumstances. And when Eve (and Adam) chose "death" in the garden that day, they chose it for us all. We are born into the choice that they made. And yet the mercy of God through the love of Christ bore that punishment for us on a cross and made a way for us to one day experience that unhindered communion and communication with God in heaven, if we choose to believe in the redemptive story.

And if none of that made sense to you, Mitch Jolly says it better here (listen to Revelation 11:15-19) and here (notes to follow along with it). :) (But I think my husband did a pretty darn good job, if I say so myself).

Jehovah-jireh

Jehovah-jireh: The Lord Who provides; the Lord Who sees; the Lord Who will see to it that my every need is met; the One Who knows my need because He sees; the One Who is able to meet my need in just the right time as He did for Abraham; the One Who can meet it fully.


A few weeks back, our little family was over at our friends' house having dinner and spending some quality time together. E absolutely adores their kids, and follows them around like a little puppy...laughing at their silliness, playing with their toys, trying to do everything they do. They encourage us and offer wisdom to us as parents, and are living life fully to the glory of the Savior, so we gravitate toward spending our free evenings with them when we can. 


After finishing up dinner, C and I decided to make an ice cream run - one of our little "summertime" things. On the way out the door, I reminded E to finish her dinner so that she might be able to have some ice cream when we got back, and she trotted off to the kitchen.


Well, apparently at some point during our outing, E slipped out the back door of the house, wandered into the street where she was spotted and chased down by one of the neighbors, who - once he caught up to her - knocked on the front door and returned her safely to her daddy's arms. Though the whole episode could not have lasted more than five minutes, my heart aches to imagine the potential for danger in those brief moments.


Of course, all had been settled by the time C and I returned, but even the fact that I was absent for the entire situation brought an added measure of fear for having absolutely no control whatsoever of what had just happened. To say that L and I were shaken doesn't even begin to describe our emotions. We rode a pretty serious roller coaster for the next 24 hours, both trying to search out God's purpose for not only exposing E to such danger but also protecting her so miraculously - all within an extremely short amount of time. 


Though I believe I still have lessons to learn from this, here are a few things God has revealed to me so far: When I focus on my inadequacies as a parent that may have surely led to this event, I feel nothing but shame and helplessness. But when I focus on the amazing protection and providence of an Almighty Jehovah-jireh, I cannot deny His faithfulness, His enduring love, His amazing grace. I cannot help but praise a God who would see fit to meet me in my weakness and prove His strength. I cannot help but to humbly say Thank You for an act of mercy that was totally undeserved. And I cannot help but be reminded that above all of my plans, He is the One Who is in control. Focusing on myself leads to death and emotional devastation, but focusing on Him leads to life and hope in the One Who promises to "see to it that my every need is met."


"For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations." Psalm 100:5

Relationships are more important than being right.

This is one of those things that I wrestle with God about every once in a while. I don’t mean for that to sound trite – He is a Holy God, and I believe we owe Him instant submission to His perfect will in every situation. I believe that…but I do not always give Him that (and I am so thankful for His unending grace for me).

So I absolutely admit that my “wrestling” is also disobedience (and while I’m at it, I might as well admit that it happens more than “every once in a while”). God gave me a brain that seeks security in logic, in the letter of the law, in what I see as just and right. And just like all good gifts from Father, Satan is quick to twist what is meant for God’s glory into a temptation to believe that I actually know better than my omniscient God. When the Spirit calls me to let go of being right in and instead walk in obedience to Him, I have this moment where I feel like a 3-year-old in my heart. But…God! What that person did was wrong! My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways. But…God! I have forgiven them before, only to be betrayed again! Are you saying that I should just forgive and trust them again without any repercussions? Forgive others, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you. Seventy times seven, J. But…God! What if it happens again? Place your hope in me. I am always faithful. I am always true. But…God! It did not honor you, and they should be punished for that. I am the only just King, Who sits on the Throne. I have chosen to forgive you over and over again, J. Who are you to decide who deserves the shed blood of my one and only Son?

And you get the picture. I am a finite human being with a very limited understanding of justice that is only further skewed by the ugly sin that entangles me. No way could I ever be more “right” than God. And he’s doing some pretty tough chiseling on my square brain when it comes to relationships: believing in others, trusting others, living in unity with those around me, even when it hurts a little. But that is the model that Jesus set for us here on earth: growing in favor with God and with man. Living peaceably with others. Forgiving sins that were in direct conflict with scriptural law. I feel like such a Pharisee when I realize how much of His life He devoted to relationships with others, and compare that to how much I live my life making sure that I’m abiding by the law.

“One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as "those evil people" or "those poor people who need our help." Nor must we search for signs of "loveworthiness." Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.” (What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey)

Being Real is Scary

This vulnerability thing really is a tough one for me. I'm always surprised when someone opens up and shares something precious to them with me - I don't have incredible social skills, so I've always wondered what happened to get us to a place where they felt like they could trust me with such valuable information. But I listen. I pray. I try very hard to let God do the judging and the correcting and the teaching, and I simply take in. I pray again that they don't ask for my advice - my social skills don't usually let me move quickly enough to be able to offer something of value. I'm a processor, not a reactor. I don't take sides quickly because honestly it takes me a while to even figure out what the game is and decide if I should be in it or on the sidelines.

I've sat down at the computer what seems like a million times over the past couple of weeks to write down some of the thoughts swirling through my brain. I've got a lot that I really want to capture in writing - a lot about life, a lot about lessons I'm learning, a lot about some great people that I'm learning valuable lessons from, a lot about this incredible family that God has blessed me with. But every time I sit down, my hands freeze on the keypad. As much as I want to say what is going on in this brain of mine, I'll admit that sometimes I'm just a little terrified that there's a person out there reading my words as if I'm something other than a sinner saved by grace. I get nervous when I look back over my older posts and realize I've said something that could've been taken offensively or made a side comment that might not have represented Jesus the way that I mean to. I hate that one phrase or even one word could be held against me forever simply because I decided to write it down. It's vulnerable. It's scary. It's something that my flesh has been fighting against for a while now.

It's easy most days to write about E. She's young, mostly innocent of wrong, and her life is filled with joy on most occasions. But parenting is not my highest calling - loving God with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength is. It's easy to get confused sometimes and start working out my salvation on my own terms by doing the things that come most natural to me. What comes natural is different for everybody, but for me, parenting seems to come pretty naturally at this stage of life. It's tempting to throw all of my effort and energy into the task of being a mom, and I'll be honest - really rewarding on most days. It's harder to serve a God that I can't pin down and isn't controlled by my behavioral psychology - I must submit to HIS ways and trust HIS goodness, even when I can't explain it in any tangible or logical way. (Side note: If I served a God I could control in any way, He would be inferior to my power; therefore NOT A GOD. Just sayin'.)

So I've been asking myself this question...why do I write if it is so scary? Why am I compelled to put my thoughts into words even though I hold my breath every time I press the "post" button? Is it because I want to capture moments of life that I don't want to ever forget? Is it for the benefit of future generations? Is it for the family members that live too far away to see E regularly?

Yes........but ultimately, no. I write because God tells me to. In the end, I am accountable to Him and Him Alone. He is the One who knows and is able to judge the intentions of my heart with every word I write. I hope that one day future generations will be able to look back and see a great grandmother's life lived out before her True King, but even if they do not, I am here now - doing this one thing in obedience to my Savior and God. My ultimate hope is to glorify Him through the words that I write. If I take a social misstep here or there, well - that is all definitely easy for this gal to do now and again. I hold to these words as a reminder of my God who will forever have His mighty grip on me:

"I am glad He is God... and I am not.
He knows... when I do not know.
He is able... when I am not able.
He does it... when I can't do it.
He loves when I do not even know where to begin... and keeps on loving even when I fall short."

Soli deo gloria!!

What Do Eggs Have To Do With Easter?

I've received quite a bit of flack for taking seriously my responsibility to inform my friends, family and co-workers that egg hunting has nothing to do with Jesus' resurrection. After all, I learned this very important lesson from my husband on no less than the Wal-mart Easter aisle during our last date night.

In support of my new-found soapbox, I found this card at Target:

When I stumbled upon this card, I almost had to sit down on the floor I was laughing so hard. I mean, seriously - this is some good satire.

I've thought a lot about the words "balance" and "traditions" when it comes to celebrating the good ol' Easter bunny. Sometimes I think we as Christians can justify being disobedient to that still small voice of Jesus by covering up our actions with words like these. Are traditions and balance inherently wrong? Of course not! But if God is calling our little family to swim upstream against the societal norm of ________ (fill-in-the-blank), then I have to trust that He is doing intentionally for our benefit; that He - in His infinite wisdom - has a very specific plan and purpose for our lives in which we need to not be accustomed to that luxury or lifestyle. This is not a "judgment" call - it's an obedience call (in other words - having much or having little is neither good nor bad - it's all about walking within the will of God and obeying Him with what He has given us). So often I fall into the trap of making decisions based on social norms and customs instead of based on His whispers. I did that when we purchased our first house, and now we're getting ready to sell it for most likely a substantial loss (sigh).

When God whispers to us - when He breathes a radical, countercultural idea into our souls - it is always for His glory and for our good. Though we may not understand why God has impressed upon us a particular lens through which we see the world (in this case for me: egg hunts), we have to trust that He has a good plan and a beautiful purpose, and hold on to the glorious revealing of His completed works one day.

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" -1 Kings 19:11-13 NIV

So Great

Today has been a hard day for many friends of mine. Though I did not know him personally, I understand that Mike Sweeney has lived a life that epitomizes Philippians 1:21, "For [Mike Sweeney], to live is Christ, AND to die is gain. He both lived in the fullness of Christ, and died to the gain of his Heavenly Father, leaving an incredible legacy of faith with his loved ones.

As I sat in church yesterday, I noticed a verse written on the dry erase board on the wall (our church is a school during the week), and the words hit me so powerfully in that moment that I had to write them down. It holds a lot of weight with many stories of cancer and unexpected loss and death that seems to just be happening all around me right now.

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3:32-33

How is it possible that an all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty God can unwillingly bring grief? Honestly, I do not have His mind, and I do not have the answer to that question. Lamentations 3 is full of the writer's conflict between the same God who purposes both calamity and good, who seemingly allows injustice to reign over a believer's life for a season before stepping forth and defending the cause of His beloved.

I'm not sure why, but I am intensely drawn toward the picture that God is tender and compassionate with me during the midst of the very trials that he ordained. Toward a God whose heart breaks as the waves he has made crash over me. Toward a God who is mysteriously able to sew painful stitches to heal a sinful, broken part of me.

Is He safe? No, but He's good. He's the King, I tell ya.

B.H.A.G.

Chick-fil-A has a love affair with the B.H.A.G.

B.H.A.G. = Big. Hairy. Audacious. Goal.

At the Chick-fil-A Seminar in Washington, D.C. this past weekend, I got a new perspective on what a BHAG really is. Danny Cahill, the "biggest" Biggest Loser the reality TV show has ever seen, was a guest on Tuesday at Seminar. He lost 239 lbs on the show - from 430 to 191 lbs over the course of the season.

Crazy Awesome.

What struck me the most was his very candid interview on stage. He admitted that he had lost 50-60 lbs multiple times over the course of his life, but because he couldn't see a difference in the mirror, he would give up and end up gaining it back. He said that if you took all the times that he lost those 50-60 lbs and added them up, it was way more weight than what he lost on the show. His "take-home point" was that he spent more energy and time quitting during all those years of being overweight than it took him to "win" on the show.

Seeing him there, it was obvious that he had had a radical perspective change. He had accomplished a Big Hairy Audacious Goal. My husband turned and looked at me as we were walking out the door after the break, "HE eliminates any excuse I could ever have for anything ever again." And it's true. He's inspiring. He's living out Scripture and bearing the standard for those of us whom God has called and equipped for the task before us.

I love how The Message puts it..."let's not allow ourselves...." So many times I "allow myself" to quit. I present excuses and accept them. I talk myself out of doing good - right there in my head, all to myself. JMom has a quote on her blog that I think of often: "The way we spend our days is, of course, the way we spend our lives" (Annie Dillard). Am I going to spend my days (and my life) giving up on the things that God has called me to do? Am I going to spend my days (and my life) thinking up excuses for not completing the task God has for me?

So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit.
Galatians 6:9 (The Message)

The Heart Issue

E is SOOOO "2." Bossiness, saying "No" all the time to everything, wanting to do it all herself, craving control and independence and an opportunity to claim her stake in this world.

As she becomes more and more self-aware and able to reflect a little bit on the reasons for her behavior, discipline is definitely changing in our home.

I'm really appreciating what Dr. Tedd Tripp offers young parents who are struggling with how to raise a child biblically in his book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, and in the corresponding Parent's Handbook. He pours Scripture into the pages, and helps me remember that this parenting job isn't just about controlling a wild-eyed, havoc-wreaking little monster. Instead, he brings me back to focusing on helping her work through her sin-ravaged little heart to be able to come to a place where God can speak grace and light into her spirit and soul, and she will recognize Him as the willing, powerful, Savior of her sin. I get SO caught up in the very thing that Jesus talks about in Matthew 23:25-28 - and find myself being such a hypocrite sometimes as I tend to cherish the cleanliness of the outside of her cup without taking note of the the inside of her heart.

This is definitely a tough one for me, and something I have to take to Jesus every day.

When I Think I Get It...But I Really Don't

E has been wonderfully independent lately. Learning LOTS. ABOUT. BOUNDARIES.

Namely: What does it really mean when mommy says it's time to go to bed?

Part of the problem I know is me. She doesn't just come out of her room, she sleeks around the corner, left eyeball first, with a Grinch grin that causes me to erupt in giggles every time. After she and I have a moment of fun, daddy swoops in to return her to the bed. I know. This isn't teaching her to stay in bed. I know. Like I said, part of the problem is ME.

Last night, though, she was in rare form. Usually, after the first - maybe second time - of getting up, she retires. Not last night. After she'd gotten up to bring me shoes, to bring me an umbrella (?!?), to ask for water, she was up yet again. Each time, per my instructions, she returned to her room. On the third time, I gave her a final instruction, "E, if mommy has to get up to help you back in bed, I am going to spank you."

So...on the fourth time...I had to follow through. I followed her back to bed. I stopped her before she climbed into bed and got down on her level. "E, do you remember that mommy said if I had to help you back in bed, I would spank you?" And with the most spirited little voice, E replied, "M-hm!" After one small spank and a few tears while we hugged, E pushed back from me and said, "All better," then climbed into bed and kissed me goodnight. And stayed there.

I was proud of myself. I thought, "Wow! She really got it!" Then we came home tonight and she got up FIVE times before we repeated the procedure (though she wasn't as enthusiastic about remembering my instruction this time). Afterwards, I closed the door to her room so that in case she wasn't quite done leaving the bed...at least she would stay in her room. And not even five minutes later, she was banging on the door.

As I thought back over all of this, I am reminded so much of my own personality. I have a really hard time when God tells me, "No" or when he doesn't allow me to go somewhere or do something that I want to do. Sometimes I think I "get it" when it comes to what God would have for me, but in reality I am way off the mark. Sometimes when I am begging God for answers, it may seem as though he is ignoring me when in fact he is standing right on the other side of the door knowing that the best place for me to be is "in my room" for that moment.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

-Matthew 7:11

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

-1 Peter 5:6

Closer Than You Think

Less than 24 hours after L got back from Egypt, we were in the car and on the way to spend Thanksgiving at my parents’ new cabin. E was fast asleep in the backseat, and we were cruising along when we came upon an accident that had probably happened only mere minutes prior to our arrival. A really bad one. There were cars spread to the sides of the road and plenty of people on the scene, and it didn’t appear that they needed any help. We were at a crossroads and able to easily do a U-turn and find another route. But something kept us glued there. We said nothing. I prayed and prayed as I watched a team of five young guys pull another young man through the drivers side window of a decimated Rodeo. And still we sat there.

I’m not sure how long it took us to actually turn the car around. When we did, though, I noticed a sign in front of the church on top of the hill right where the accident occured: “ETERNITY IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK.” Now, as a rule, I really am not a fan of church signs. In most cases, I think they repel more people than they attract. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake the poignancy of that sign, the realness of the whole scene, the unknown futures of those sitting at the bottom of that hill.

Few things could have left L and I silent after a week and a half of no communication, but that was one of them. We drove in total silence for over fifteen minutes. When he finally did speak, it was in remembrance of “Shannon,” a story for another day that has left a mark in our history.

Without foreshadowing doom, Eternity really is closer than we think. And there is only One answer to what is waiting for us after this life here on Earth, and that is the Judgment of the One True and Holy God. And the everlasting grace and mercy that is ours if we only believe in the life sacrifice of His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ, who was fully God and then submitted to the Father to come to Earth as fully human in the form of a baby, growing up perfectly obedient to His Father’s Will, and through that obedience dying on the cross for our sins, and then three days later being raised from the dead by the awesome power of our God, so that anyone who believes in Him shall be judged righteous on the day “Eternity” begins for us.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life.” -John 3:16

Me and My Big Mouth

tact'ful-ness n.: 1. consideration in dealing with others and avoiding giving offence; 2. a gifting that I apparently lack

My husband (and my dad, for that matter) could look directly into another persons eyes and tell them they were the meanest person with the most rotten attitude and uneven ears and they would tear up, hug them and thank them for being so awesomely genuine and loving them as a person. It's an unbelievably wonderful gift...that I do not have.

Now, seriously, they would never say exactly those things, but God has truly given these men of my life a way with the spoken word. In the face of an opportunity to share what's on my heart, I find myself often making excuses before the burning bush just like Moses once did, "But...um, God? Don't you remember that I don't speak well at all?"

So it happened again tonight - one of those "Moses Moments." I opened my mouth at the wrong time in the wrong place and apparently said the wrong words. Three strikes and I'm out. I totally offended a friend of mine (unbeknownst to me at the time), and I'm praying tonight for grace to cover my multitude of sins and wisdom to figure out where to go from here. One thing's for sure: this handicap of mine definitely forces humility on me (and makes me ever-so-thankful for my incredible husband).

And...as if humility weren't enough, God so graciously provided some conviction as well (this was waiting for me when I got home tonight as part of my daily reading):

"A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. " James 3:3-6 (The Message)

Lay ME Down

L has been in Egypt now for six days. He has tried and tried in vain to establish an internet connection so that we could converse via Skype. Though I can receive his texts, he can't receive mine, so we've had kind of a one-sided conversation since he left. Every little bit helps though.

Thinking about the physical distance that has separated us for this short time, I am reminded of some of my favorite Sandra McCracken lyrics, from a song she penned after long stretches of being apart from her husband; words that resonate with how I feel often times when L and I are apart:

All the miles between us
they say that’s just the way it goes
time is no friend to lovers
stretched like the line that hangs the clothes
but we walk the distance another day
the rope is thin but does not give way

And I can hear the band of angels singing now
like a story from the page is read aloud
but this is not make believe...

I’d rather have the mystery and the madness and the rains
cause hell’s the only place you can be free of all love’s pain

I have no claim on the future
so here I lay me down
and God is a friend to lovers
he makes the bone, the flesh, the ground
and he walks with us, make no mistake
and holds us when our hearts, they break

So, here I lay ME down. ME and all my wishes for that warm spot to return to my bed (the one that doesn't shed, anyway). ME and all my desires to share my day-to-day experiences with my soulmate. ME and all my desires to have a co-laborer to cook dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, and rake leaves. ME and all my desires to be wrapped up into the arms of the one I love at this very moment. Here I lay ME down, knowing that God is walking with me, purposing these moments, and providing for my every need.

Mixing Rocks Into Soil

It's my birthday. E sang the birthday song to me no less than nine times, a frequent reminder of the blessing of sharing this special day with my family. My husband made breakfast, we all went on a hike (it was an unbelievably gorgeous day), we had lunch downtown, my parents took me out to dinner, I ate cake TWICE, received tons of birthday messages and some incredible news via Facebook, got several very sweet and thoughtful gifts from my friends and my hubby...all in all, a really great day.

Yet, all the above activities were accompanied by sadness - in a small way - as my husband packed, drove to the airport, and departed for a 10-day missions excursion to Cairo, Egypt. As I write, he is on a plane crossing the Atlantic.

I am praying and praying that I will not miss out on the purposes God has for me during this time of physical separation from my husband. I know He is doing a work in my heart, and that this small part of the journey is important for Him to grow in me a deeper desire for and joy in Him alone, an opportunity for me to send my roots down deeper into the fertile soil of Life in Him.

As I pondered these things tonight, I was reminded of an illustration that the Bible alludes to several times in regards to the grapevine. If you ever spend some time with a good vintner, you will notice that, in some cases, he or she will plant rocks among the soil where a grapevine grows, in order to force the vine to run its roots deep into the ground, where it will be able to find the most nutrients and a more stable supply of water. Likewise, God plants "rocks" into the soil of our lives to stretch us, to grow us, to cause us to run our roots deeper and deeper into the wealth of His Being, where we will find the Living Water - the only Water that can truly heal and sustain our lives. What a loving God - who knows exactly how to tend to our souls and cultivate the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts, even when it is tough and sometimes hurtful in the process.

This is the kind of God that I want to get to know more during these next ten days. The kind of God who knows me so intimately that I can be sure He has purposed these days long before I was even born. The kind of God who is - I am certain - on the edge of His seat as He looks in anticipation at the new things I will discover about Him as I learn how to lean on His grace and His mercy over the next week. The only God who could, would, and will ever look at me and see nothing but righteousness and the glory of His Son over me, and because of that, love me fiercely and fight for me tirelessly.

---------------------------------

Some sweet memories from today:

My AWESOME birthday present from my rockin' husband

Playing with Indiana at the Reservoir

SHAKE!!!

L leaving for Cairo

Part of L's Cairo Team (minus E) :)

Birthday Cake

There's one requirement that I have for a birthday - something that, for me, "makes" a birthday. That one thing is a cake. Can be an ice cream cake, cookie cake, brownie cake, muffin cake, cheesecake, or regular yellow cake...it just has to be some kind of cake meant especially for me, for my birthday. So...the cake is kind of special to me.

Today while running errands, I went by my favorite local bakery to pick out my birthday cake, hoping they would have one of my all-time favorite cakes: German Chocolate. They did! I bought it, went back to the car balancing E on one hip and the cake in the other hand, and we loaded up and carried on with our errands.

Jumping back into the car after our next stop, I threw my bags carelessly into the passenger seat, realizing a moment too late that my cake was probably underneath those bags. Panicking, I grabbed the bags and searched for cake damage. Then I started searching for the cake. I could not find the cake. Though Indiana was in the car, I doubted he would have time to eat a whole cake and leave not a single crumb in less than 10 minutes, so I started to retrace my steps back to the bakery.

And it hit me. I had put the cake on top of the car when I loaded E into the seat. Surely I didn't drive off with it still on the car. As I passed by an intersection near the bakery (while back-tracking), there it was...chocolate cake and bakery box smeared across the highway. I had driven off with the cake on top of my car.

As a last-ditch effort (and because I had nothing to lose), I parked and went back into the bakery for the second time in 15 minutes, and started in on my sob story, laughing out loud at myself and how ridiculous it sounded. Not only did the bakery have an extra cake in the back, but they also packaged it up and gave it to me for free.

I know it's pretty trivial, but to me, I got two clear messages from God in that moment.
1) He is the giver of all good things. Instead of me buying my own birthday cake, by walking me through such a crazy half-hour, it turned out that God gave me a birthday cake instead. So much more meaningful, and reminded me that he cares for even the seemingly insignificant little things that put a song in my heart.
2) Slow down. For some reason, God keeps bringing up the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, reminding me that those who steadily work toward their goals are the ones who finish first and finish strong. This lesson is permeating my personal life and my work life, reminding me over and over again to keep pressing forward one step at a time. By moving at Hare-speed, I am leaving things unfinished and vulnerable to destruction. Thankfully for us, God is ready and waiting to give us a brand new "cake" even when, by our own design, we have destroyed the first one.

Exactly

“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.”

~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

The First Year

Whenever my husband or I tell our story to another couple, we always reminisce about the first year - so far, the hardest year of our marriage.

There wasn't much of a "honeymoon phase" to our marriage. From day one, I had a load of expectations that I dumped on my husband, things that either my dad or other "great men" in my life had done for their wives. When he did the things that I expected him to do, I rarely thanked him (much less threw him a party), because those were the things that he was "supposed" to be doing, right? I remember several conversations that went to the tune of this:

L: "Hey babe, did you notice that I loaded the dishwasher for you?"

Me: "Um, yeah. Did you notice that I loaded it every day for the past eight days?"

I had really poor communication skills, and he wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I was working full-time, playing more or less the role of the "breadwinner" while he finished his senior year of college. I came from a traditional family; he had stepfamilies and half-brothers. In a group setting, he wants to make sure everybody's having a good time; in a group setting, I want to make sure everybody's doing what they are supposed to be doing.

We spent the three years building up to marriage finding out how similar we were, and the whole first year and a half of marriage finding out how different we were. It was quite a ride.

I wouldn't trade that year for anything. It was the worst year of our marriage, and yet prepared us for everything we've faced since that time. I love that our God knew what we needed, even when it felt like he was against us on all sides.

On the Road Again

Every year I say the same thing: "We are not going to be as busy this year as we were last year." Every year the same thing happens: We are as busy as (if not busier) than we were last year. It's a total conundrum. I feel like I am saying "no" to more things than I ever have. I feel like I am saying "yes" to things that really matter. I am trying to be sure that I make time for myself (and have consequently started working out again at 5:30am after about a month-long break). I am trying to give my husband the opportunity to go be a guy when he needs it as well. I am trying to make sure that we somehow squeeze in some quality time to be a family in the midst of all the other things I'm trying to do.

And it hit me this past week that between September 19th and December 31st, we are going to spend exactly ONE full weekend as a family in our own home. That is totally unacceptable, but unfortunately, our fault. We are cutting things left and right to be able to carve out these precious times that we will never get back. We are apologizing to people and backing out of commitments that we had previously made. It feels (sometimes) like I am a horrible friend to the people that I love because I am unable to commit to fun things like showers and birthday parties and hanging out on the weekends.

This weekend, E and I are going to watch her daddy play in an Ultimate Frisbee tournament for his first time ever. I am hoping for it to be some quality time with each other and with some great friends of ours. I am praying that God will grant us rest and rejuvenation in the midst of being on the road yet again for the fifth weekend in a row. I am also looking forward to recommitting to a year of even more intentionality in 2010, as my husband and I continue to evaluate our priorities and the "stuff" we are involved in!

Family Times

E is - *sniff* - getting a little bit older every day. Though I LOVE to see the growth in her, it's almost like drinking water from a fire hydrant right now...she is changing so rapidly it's hard to keep up. Whereas three months ago she had barely broken English (and lots of Chinese), she is now starting to speak in completely intelligible sentences. Three months ago she was slurping apple sauce from her fingers at the dinner table; tonight she refused to eat without a fork. We've gone from choking on apples (no matter how small) to eating chopped pieces without peeling to eating slices with the peeling to eating straight off the tree and now back to demanding pieces without peeling because she's decided she "prefers" it that way. She potties in the toilet on command (leaving this mama with no choice other than to suck it up and delve into the world of potty training before I miss my glorious window of opportunity).

All this surge of understanding has prompted me to once again raise the bar for how intentional we are being about sharing Jesus with E. Though she's probably not quite yet ready to grasp the full understanding of some of the things we'll talk about, I think we're ready to start having some dedicated "Family Time" to learn about some of the lessons the Bible has to teach us. Dr. Tripp calls it "Formative Instruction." I certainly am not suggesting that we are going to teach E that we only talk about Jesus at certain, structured times - that's not the goal at all. I'm just, as a first-time mom, trying to figure out what it all looks like for our family to get to know Jesus, with the help of some wisdom from other parents and spiritual leaders who have gone before me.

This month, we are starting with a tool called "Family Times," published by the reThink Group. There are certainly some things in it that are way beyond E's scope for understanding right now - but one thing for certain is that I don't ever want to underestimate how much she is capable of grasping about God. There are certain things included in the set - like note cards that you can write a little note on to send in your child's lunch or leave on their breakfast plate when you leave for work - that I wish I'd started last year even. It's never to early to let your child know how and why you think she is special.

One thing I hope never to forget, though, is that the command that God gives in Deuteronomy 6:6 is the precursor for the one He gives in 6:7. First is the need for me to hold his commands in my heart. If it's not my faith, then I can't give it or show it or live it for my children. They are certainly not going to want anything that I claim to believe in but don't choose to follow in my deeds. If the faith that I have isn't living and breathing before them, all the books and tools and curriculums I do to help them get to know Jesus and be a good person is only going to leave them spiritually dead.

Lord, thank you for the amazing grace you have given to me! Thank you for dying on the cross and saving me from the death that I deserved. Give me Your strength to live out each day by walking in Your love, under the watershed of Your grace. May the things that I strive to teach E about you only be bolstered by the life of faith that I live out before her, and in the places where I fail to meet up to Your holy standard, please help me to humble myself before her as Your grace shines through to meet her wholly and perfectly when I cannot.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

When I was a kid, if I saw something I liked, I would just take it. My unregenerate heart simply had no regard for other people's stuff. I brought home several books from preschool. I would take pencils that I liked off of people's desks at school. I remember having to go back into a department store and return a magnet that I had stolen in the check-out line, per my dad's disapproving instruction. I took things from my sister all the time (maybe one of the reasons she's such an awesome person is that I cultivated a huge heart of grace in her...hahaha).

Today E and I had a little playdate, and when I went to clean out her bag tonight, I found this:

Three little pieces of fruit from her little friends' play kitchen. (To further demonstrate that this wasn't "an accident," she asked for them by name when I was emptying her bag. I didn't know what she was talking about until I stumbled upon them.) Sorry, J & E!! We'll return them ASAP. :)

It's a little bit funny, but it's also quite serious too. I don't want to overlook the fact that this could be a potential foothold in her life one day if not addressed early and talked about frequently; it certainly is an issue I have always dealt with. She has such a sweet, joyful heart even now in the midst of being a little thief - I can't wait to see what it's going to look like one day when it has been reclaimed by our Holy God and used for His incredible purposes!!

Play date kiddos:

(E, E, & E!)

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's amazing how quickly I can go from a loving, gracious mommy to a short-tempered, legalistic dictator. Ugh. It's kind of depressing, actually.

I got a phone call from a rather antagonistic person yesterday that, frankly, left me flustered and angry. Hours later, it was obviously still brewing in my soul, and I found myself being very ungracious with E, even causing her to cry at one point of particular impatience.

Fast forward to tonight when I peeked into her room, 45 minutes past her bedtime, because she was still awake and talking. When I creeped up close to her bedside to see what was going on, she opened her eyes, looked at me sideways out of the corner of them, and started giggling. We laughed hysterically for the next five minutes.

Reflecting on my bipolar interactions with her over the past 24 hours reminds me of something Louie Giglio said last week, something that keeps coming back up for me. He gave the illustration of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the fact that after the crowd yells, "Move That Bus!!," the first thing that camera focuses on is not the house - the thing that the whole show has been apparently building up to - but the family's faces. Even though you're not able to see the actual house at first, you get excited because you see the house on the faces of the family members who are beholding it. Their thrill at the joy of this new house increases your desire to view it, tour it, analyze it, feel it.

When I am bothered by and focused on a cruddy conversation with a mean person, I reflect that in my face to E. She responds with tears, and rightfully so - what I am reflecting to her is anxiety and anger. When I tiptoed into her room tonight and was surprised by the joy and innocence of the precious gift God has given to me, I reflected that in my face back to E, and we laughed until we cried. What a reminder to me of how much my face affects those around me.

Jesus, when You said that we are to be a light to those around us, I think I'm realizing that what you meant is that we are to reflect the Light from its original source: You. When I spend time in the world, I begin to reflect the things of this world to those around me, things that are broken and shallow and hurtful. Draw me into You and lift my head up to Your Face, that I may see Your goodness and dwell in Your House. Restore my soul that I may shine Your Light to those around me. May my face reflect Your Glory, Lord, that those who see my face may be drawn toward the One who has set my feet to dancing and set my heart on fire!