Law vs. Grace

E is growing so fast now that it is nearly impossible to keep up. I am constantly in awe of how intricate our God designed the human species, and floored by the fact that I get to watch this miracle of life unveiled in my daughter.

Last night, when I tucked her into bed at Mawmaw and Pawpaw's, I kissed her and hugged her and we said our prayers like we usually do. At the end, though, she bear-hugged me and rolled me over onto the bed next to her, climbed directly on top of my chest, laid her head down on my shoulder, and starting patting my arm.

Now, as a rule, I have been very diligent about not providing myself as a sleep aid. (As a kid, I was terrified of going to sleep on my own, so I have down everything in my power to give E the ability to go to sleep by herself. So far, whether by nature or nurture, she's done really well.) It's amazing, though. All the rules went out the window momentarily, as I basked in the overwhelming power of her desire to be near me.

I laid there with her for a few minutes and thought about how willing I was to stop everything for her. I weighed the law (not providing her with a sleep aid) and grace (seeing her need for security), and realized that in this small moment, giving grace was actually a way of fulfilling the law. By coming down to her level and showing her that I was available to be near her always, I bolstered her faith in being able to fall asleep peacefully no matter what the circumstances. I didn't cancel out the need for her to be able to fall asleep on her own, but instead gave her the confidence that she needed in order to be able to do it. When I rolled her back over a few minutes later, kissed her, told her "Night-night," she was asleep within a few minutes. It was an awesome experience.

I learned a few things last night that I hope I will remember as I continue down this journey of parenthood. Sometimes, in the world of geometry, I'm a "square" if you know what I mean. Having four right angles makes me four-times more right than you are. I'm a stickler for the law and for justice, and I constantly have to remind myself that I am not God, and I am not the one in control of making sure that justice plays out. It's harder for me to extend grace when I see the need to uphold the law as well. As E gets older, I pray that I will be wise enough to sense those moments when extending grace is a way to fulfill the law, and not simply a moment of inconsistency on my part.